K is for the knocked out

It was the first Dart Club of 2003 and boy was it going to be a biggy. In fact, it would be the biggest Dart Club thus far. This kind of information is usually reserved for the tail-end of a chapter but dartweek 11 would see an unprecedented 28 darters take part.

Twenty eight. Wow.

Perhaps it was because that very weekend would see the final of the PDC championships at the Circus Tavern featuring Phil Taylor and Canada’s John Part.

Or perhaps it was because only the previous weekend some woolly-minded liberal had posed the following question to readers of the Guardian: “How can darts be made to appeal to the middle classes?”

Pithy responses included: “Change its name to d’arts” – Philip Reynolds (London) and “Take away the dart-throwing bit,” David Prothero (Harpenden).

WANKERS.

The trouble with readers of the Guardian is that they are embarrassed about their social status, middle class guilt results in poncy affectations and ridiculous champagne socialism. Well, Dart Club is middle class and it drinks champagne and it doesn’t turn its nose up at darts.

Actually, the real reason Dart Club was so popular in dartweek 11 was because Dart Club London was hosting a grudge match versus Dart Club Leicester.

Cast your mind back two chapters (or scroll down and get yersen a recap) when Dart Club split into two teams at the Whores and Doom and the Finishers played out a match against the Bulls. This was all in preparation for the Dart Club inter-regional challenge match versus a mutual friend of the Finisher and Bull going by the name of the Dreaded.

Leicester, also complete with captain going by the name of the Finisher, would come down from the provinces and take on the capitalists, the losing team’s captain would then be forced to change his name to the Loser – it would be a showdown at the Oche Corral.

The Oche Corral in question would have to be very special, and indeed it was. Going by the name of the City Darts, on Commercial Street, it featured no less than five dartboards, including one championship board on a raised bed.

More dartboards than you can shake a dart at

There was just one thing, Commercial Street is outside the Circle Line (just) thus breaking rule seven, which was enforced following the Bull’s booking of the Bull in dartweek seven. However, the City Darts is a veritable Mecca for the City darter, so rule seven would have to be amended.


The seventh rule of Dart Club is, the pub must be within five minutes walk of the Circle Line. Something of a cop out, but that’s life.


Anyway, the City Darts also features a dartboard down stairs and a couple of pool tables. They have live Sky sports, will supply a buffet and allow punters to play their own stereo – which can lead to all sorts of Guns’n Roses type fun. In short, it is bloody brilliant.

The Finisher was in there first, at high noon as agreed, the Bull was slightly later, closely followed by the Clinician, the Aristocrat and his bird, newcomer, the Abstainer, whose lack of games would result in only one Dart Club Ranking System point and a position of last in the ranking table at the end of the day.

Leicester would be some time, they were having trouble finding anywhere to park apparently.

The Finisher and Clinician were in high spirits, particularly the Finisher, because over the festive Yuletide period, he, the Clinician, the Enigma and a Dart Club virgin the Blade were in none other than the Prince Albert on Bellendan Road in Peckham (as mentioned previously in chapter G) when the Finisher in a standard game of 301 versus the Clinician scored a maximum 180.

“Ooonnne hunnndreeeed and eeeiiiightyyyy!!” he shouted at the top of his voice, it was the first 180 he had ever scored, in fact it was the first 180 he had ever seen in the flesh (the Black Bomber scored a 180 but sadly for him he was on his own at home, the board was nowhere near regulation height, and the oche was too close, so some of the gloss is taken off).

The Prince Albert rose as one and applauded this fine achievement (after the Finisher had encouraged them a bit). It is well worth persisting if you have never scored one. Your day will come. On numerous occasions when two treble 20s are pinned the wheels come off and the darter is reluctantly faced with 125 a good score just not sexy, but one day you will hold your nerve, and the endorphin rush can only be topped by pharmaceutical means. No word of a lie.

Leicester still hadn’t arrived, but the Black Bomber had, there then followed a period when the dart clubbers present, with the exception of the Abstainer, proceeded to go into a dart frenzy of 501 warm up matches. And this frenzy was only exacerbated when the Finisher and Bull revealed the London Dart Club kit.

The Finisher and Bull face the wall

For the princely sum of £10 each, Dart Club availed themselves of some dazzling white short-sleeved polyester shirts from Primark, purveyors of fine tailoring in Peckham.

London Dart Club 1st Team

The Bull then put further ethical issues to one side and went down to Nike Town and got the top eight according to the current Dart Club Rankings name’s placed across the shoulders.

“That’ll be £72,” said the no doubt surly salesman – the Bull gulped, this was turning out to be an expensive bit of fun, he took the shirts over to the till, “That’ll be £3,” said the gormless git at the till, “……..er do you want cash?” said the Bull. The checkout assistant, we presume, had only charged for one of the letters. Still, that was the charge and the Bull coughed up before existing quick sharp in the double.

Come on – we’ve all been there. “CASH BACK!”

CASH BACK

The new game to be sampled at the City Darts was darts decathlon. The Olympic sport made famous by the highly wicked, national anthem whistling hero Daley ‘backflip’ Thompson.

The decathlon is ten individual events split over two days. Athletes are awarded points for their performances in the individual events, so like in darts, they are really playing against themselves. So it seems obvious that the world needs a darts decathlon all of its very own. Particularly because as an athletic event it has slipped somewhat out of the nation’s conscience.

Maybe darts is just the thing to bring the two-day test of athletic prowess and endurance back into focus, for was is not the Geordie voice of darts Sid Waddell who said “most top darts players these days are fitter than Premiership footballers”? Or something like that at any rate.

DAY ONE

100m

Let’s face it, this is the only Olympic event that is worth winning. And until the Olympic committee wakes up, smells the fags and booze, and finally concedes the point and makes darts an Olympic event, the 100m will remain everyone’s favourite. In darts 100m it is simply case of counting how many darts it takes to reach or break through the 100 mark. Points are scored as follows:

DARTS	POINTS
2	1000
3	900
4	800
5	700
6	600
7	500
8	400
9	300
10	200
11	100

Long Jump

Aside from Bob Beaman and Carl Lewis name another long jumper, go on (and the latter was more famous for his 100m achievements). Although, jumping a long way after a short run up is more impressive than the hop, skip and jump (unlike darts this is a triple not a treble). Darts long jumping sees athletes of the oche try and score as big a score as possible with just three darts, and scores points accordingly.

Scr	Pts	Scr	Pts	Scr	Pts	Scr	Pts	Scr	Pts	Scr	Pts
1	6	31	171	61	336	91	501	121	666	151	831
2	11	32	176	62	341	92	506	122	671	152	836
3	17	33	182	63	347	93	512	123	677	153	842
4	22	34	187	64	352	94	517	124	682	154	847
5	28	35	193	65	358	95	523	125	688	155	853
6	33	36	198	66	363	96	528	126	693	156	858
7	39	37	204	67	369	97	534	127	699	157	864
8	44	38	209	68	374	98	539	128	704	158	869
9	50	39	215	69	380	99	545	129	710	159	n/a
10	55	40	220	70	385	100	550	130	715	160	880
11	61	41	226	71	391	101	556	131	721	161	886
12	66	42	231	72	396	102	561	132	726	162	n/a
13	72	43	237	73	402	103	567	133	732	163	n/a
14	77	44	242	74	407	104	572	134	737	164	902
15	83	45	248	75	413	105	578	135	743	165	n/a
16	88	46	253	76	418	106	583	136	748	166	n/a
17	94	47	259	77	424	107	589	137	754	167	919
18	99	48	264	78	429	108	594	138	759	168	n/a
19	105	49	270	79	435	109	600	139	765	169	n/a
20	110	50	275	80	440	110	605	140	770	170	935
21	116	51	281	81	446	111	611	141	776	171	n/a
22	121	52	286	82	451	112	616	142	781	172	n/a
23	127	53	292	83	457	113	623	143	787	173	n/a
24	132	54	297	84	462	114	627	144	792	174	n/a
25	138	55	303	85	468	115	633	145	798	175	n/a
26	143	56	308	86	473	116	638	146	803	176	n/a
27	149	57	314	87	479	117	644	147	809	177	n/a
28	154	58	319	88	484	118	649	148	814	178	n/a
29	160	59	325	89	490	119	655	149	820	179	n/a
30	165	60	330	90	495	120	660	150	825	180	1000

Shot Putt

….erm didn’t Geoff ‘budgerigar breeder’ Capes do this? Since the stone throw was removed from the Olympic portfolio of events, throwers of heavy stuff are limited to shot put and hammer throw. So spare a thought for those anonymous putters of shot. Take one dart and see how high you can score.

Score	Points	Score	Points	Score	Points	Score	Points
1	17	16	267	31	n/a	46	n/a
2	34	17	282	32	531	47	n/a
3	50	18	299	33	547	48	797
4	67	19	315	34	564	49	n/a
5	83	20	332	35	n/a	50	830
6	100	21	349	36	598	51	847
7	116	22	365	37	n/a	52	n/a
8	133	23	n/a	38	631	53	n/a
9	149	24	398	39	647	54	896
10	166	25	415	40	664	55	n/a
11	183	26	432	41	n/a	56	n/a
12	199	27	448	42	697	57	946
13	216	28	465	43	n/a	58	n/a
14	232	29	n/a	44	n/a	59	n/a
15	249	30	498	45	747	60	1000

High Jump

This vertical representation of the long jump was made famous by an American called Richard Fosbury, who in 1968 invented a style of jumping that involves going headfirst and backwards, sounds like it would be a something of a flop. In darts, players get three lives and have to clear heights going up in units of ten with three darts. If you fail to clear a height you forfeit a life. Everyone starts on a height of ten – it is bloody easy, but hilarious if someone fails.

Score	Points	Score	Points
10	55	100	555
20	110	110	610
30	166	120	666
40	222	130	721
50	277	140	777
60	333	150	832
70	388	160	888
80	444	170	943
90	499	180	1000

400m

Michael Johnson, he runs funny and looks like Eddie ‘get the fuck outta here’ Murphy, but he is damn fast. Nobody else springs to mind for this event. It is simply an extended version of the most explosive Olympic event, and consequently the excitement is diluted somewhat. The darts version mirrors real life, darters score points according to how many darts it takes them to reach a score of 400.

Darts	Points
7	1000
8	975
9	950
10	925
11	900
15	800
19	700
23	600
27	500
31	400
35	300
39	200
43	100
47	0

DAY TWO

110m Hurdles

This is a case of athletics over egging the pudding, making the best event a bit longer and throwing in some things to jump over. It is surprising that the Olympic committee hasn’t introduced something to throw at the end, maybe the 120m stone throw hurdles would be good, who knows? I guess we’ll never find out. So like in athletics this darts game takes an element of one other popular darts game and makes it a bit complicatederer. Darters play round the clock moving from 18 clockwise to 20, only landing in the black segments, hence ‘hurdling’ the white bits. Counting how many darts it takes to do so.

Darts	Points
10	1000
11	975
12	950
13	925
14	900
18	800
22	700
26	600
30	500
34	400
35	300
39	200
43	100
47	0

Discus

To discuss the discus is disgusting. Try saying that after a heavy night on the pop. Yet another variation on the throwing stuff games, but a classic nevertheless. It is a macho version of seeing how far you can throw a Frisbee. So the darts version is also macho and is case of seeing how close to the bull’s-eye you can get. One dart, one go.

Distance	Points
Bullseye	1000
25	900
Inner segment	750
Treble bed	600
Outer segment	450
Double bed	300
Out of bounds	150
Complete miss	SPAZ

Pole Vault

Like the high jump only using a big bendy stick to propel yourself over the bar, pretty damn impressive, but totally contrived. So you would think that it has very little to do with darts and you’d be right. Poor old Daley’s pole once snapped when he was halfway up, which was as nasty as it sounds.

This event should be a favourite of the Bull’s since he was Berkshire schools’ under 15 champion pole vaulter. He was also Berkshire schools’ only under 15 pole valuter at the time, scaling the massive height of 5’11” – lower than the winning high jump that year. Genius.

The darts version is like the high jump only using six darts instead of three. You might as well get everyone to start on 30, not even a bird could fail anything less with six darts.

Score	Points	Score	Points	Score	Points	Score	Points
10	27	100	270	190	513	280	756
20	54	110	297	200	540	290	783
30	81	120	324	210	567	300	810
40	108	130	351	220	594	310	837
50	135	140	378	230	621	320	864
60	162	150	405	240	648	330	891
70	189	160	432	250	675	340	918
80	216	170	459	260	702	350	954
90	243	180	486	270	729	360	1000

Javelin

This is the classic throw something event, and since it is the Olympic event that most resembles darts you would expect the British to be good at it. And you’d be bloody right, Tessa Sanderson, Fatima Whitbred and more recently Steve Backley are three renowned UK world record beating spear chuckers. In athletics the idea is to throw your giant dart as far as possible. In a pub, with any sort of dart, giant or otherwise, this would be highly irresponsible. And Dart Club condones it wholeheartedly, however, this is darts decathlon and not extreme darts, so in darts javelin the idea is to get as far away from the bull’s-eye as possible without actually going out of bounds. One dart, one go.

Distance	Points
Out of bounds	0
The outer wire	1000
Double bed	800
Outer segment	600
Treble bed	450
inner segments	300
25	150
Bullseye	lose all points accumulated so far

1500m

By the time Daley was trudging round the track in this epic slog he was probably pretty knackered, but he had usually already sealed victory so would trot around with his famous moustached Cheshire cat grin beaming out.

Initially, the 1500m of darts was just a long version of the 100m and 400m, but when tried down the pub and it took about an hour and a half with only four players, so instead the idea is to score 150 in as few darts as possible using only the 15 and 10 segments (doubles and trebles count).

Darts	Points
4	1000
5	950
6	900
7	850
8	800
9	750
10	700
11	650
12	600
13	550
14	500
15	450
16	400
17	350
18	300
19	250
20	200
21	150
22	100
23	50
23+	0

The winner of darts decathlon is the person who scores most points after the ten individual events.

Dart Club was preparing to play darts decathlon, the Bull, Finisher and Aristocrat had trialed the game at Doyle’s Bar over the Xmas period and the Bull was the current champion, but what then followed was yet another first for Dart Club – it would be the first time that Dart Club didn’t play the new game, but don’t let that put you off darts decathlon, it really is jolly good.

Doyle's Bar is Veron Kaye's favourite	The Aristocrat likes it too...!

The Bull at Doyle's oche	The Aristo and a well-refreshed Specialist

The reason Dart Club didn’t play the new game is because Leicester arrived – they were (Frankie) Finisher, the Dreaded (name later changed to Judge Dreadful), Jon Cank and Poke Out (Palmer). They had darts shirts, and they looked quite tasty at the oche. Darts decathlon took a back seat.

The intended format for the big game would be the same as the one played at the Whores and Doom, and indeed the same as the one that the Finisher and Clinician learned when they joined the Doyle’s Bar darts team. Two fours, four pairs, straight eights and 1001 all in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nice.

Leicester had only four team members, however, that mattered not because Dart Club would happily loan them some players, players who had not made the Dart Club top eight first team and had a massive point to prove.

The New Look Leicester

Warming for the main event

The Teams looked like this:

Leicester	London
(Frankie) Finisher	Finisher
Aristocrat	Danny Boy
Poke Out (Palmer)	Bull
Hammer	Fist

The team line ups

Leicester	London
Anaconda	Clinician
Jon Cank	Black Bomber
Judge Dreadful	Dude
Wire	Sting

The team line ups

The first four from each team took to the oche in a game of straight in 701, it was highly unremarkable game with absolutely no sexy darts, taking 60 darts, an average of just under 12 per dart (or 35 per turn) and was won by Leicester.

First blood the east midlands.

London Dart Club’s top four had been turned over easily, things didn’t look good, the Finisher looked worried, his name was at stake after all.

London’s next four took to the oche for the next game of 701. All round this was a better game taking just 48 darts (14.6 per dart, nearly 44 scored per turn – pub darts standard), the London four racked up a sexy darts 100 and a pub score, but it was not good enough, because Leicester still won comfortably, checking out on a double five with London still requiring 73.

Two games down and London Dart Club was already on the ropes, it was time for the doubles.

Leicester are already looking good

First up it was the Finisher and Danny Boy versus (Frankie) Finisher and the Aristocrat. Averaging 17.6 per dart the London pairing were victorious. The match was now 2-1 in Leicester’s favour.

Next up the Bull and Fist would be playing Poke Out (Palmer) and the Hammer. Averaging 15 points per dart the London duo maxed out, with a double top exit. Leaving Leicester requiring 173 at check out.

London are coming back	Black Bomber says 'COME ON'

It was two apiece when the Clinician and Black Bomber played Leicester’s all dartette glamour pair, Jon Cank and the Anaconda. However, it was not a pretty game, the gentlemen darters won averaging a woeful 7.3 per dart, they finished in the madhouse.

However, a win is a win, it was now 3-2 to London going into the final doubles game of the match, the Dude and Sting would play Judge Dreadful and the Wire. And the Londoners would prove too strong yet again, exiting on double top they averaged just over 12 per dart.

The Sting and Dude (aka Frodo Baggins)

London were 4-2 up going into the singles sessions. First up were the two team captains the Finisher and (Frankie) Finisher. The Finisher averaged 12.5 per dart and took the tie.

At 5-2 this was turning into something of a procession. And Danny Boy did nothing to upset the apple cart beating the Aristocrat exiting on double top averaging nearly 18 points per dart was pretty impressive stuff.

It was looking unlikely that Leicester would make back the difference, until Poke Out (Palmer) defeated the Bull averaging 16 points per dart she was on fire, the Bull was left on 125 at check out.

The score was now 6-3 to London, could Leicester come back. Could the Hammer beat the Fist in the next match. Of course he couldn’t. Both darters were left requiring double one after 39 darts, but the Fist held his nerve checking out with an average of 12.5 per dart.

With the score at seven to three, London needed just one more game to seal victory.

Next up was the Clinician versus the Anaconda. And averaging 13.5 per dart the Clinician checked out first. London had prevailed. And quite right too, bloody provincial bumpkins.

For the record, and to complete the match, the Black Bomber beat Jon Cank, the Dude beat Judge Dreadful and the Sting beat the Wire making the final score 11-3 with no need to play the 1001 final match. A rout.

Leicester were sporting to the last and accepted that they had been beaten by the better side, the Londoner were irritatingly smug. No surprises there.

Dart Club is not a completely exclusive animal, there were plenty of other eager darters present, it was time for the 22 player strong 301 Open Tournament. It would be an unseeded straight knock out challenge, not unlike the FA Challenge Cup played out on dartweek five. E is for evenin’ all at the Archery Tavern (Bathurst Street).

The Cyclops	A friendly Judge Dreadful envelops the Cyclops

The first round would look like this (with those in bold being the victor):

Specialist v Bubble
Striker v Poke Out
Bomber v Sting
Double Top v Jon Cank
Bull v Clinician
Fire v Fist
Wire v F.Finisher
Anaconda v Growler
Cyclops v Hammer
J.Dreadful v Finisher
Dude v Aristocrat

There were very few sexy darts during the first round, in fact quite hilariously the Dude managed to bust when he was left on 120, thus losing his tie. The Specialist managed to win on penalties, quite remarkably he required double top after only 15 darts, then threw a further 33 darts without checking out. Nice.

This left 11 players, so the losing players had a play-off to round it up to 16, it looked like this (again the bolded names were the winners):

Aristocrat v Hammer
Specialist v Bull
Sting v Wire
Bubble v Finisher
Jon Cank v Striker
Fist v Clinician
J.Dreadful v F.Finisher
Anaconda v Poke Out

Again nothing especially exciting happened, although it interesting to note that the Wire, the Bubble, Judge Dreadful and Poke Out (Palmer) would progress to the quarter final, despite losing their opening games. The quarters would look like this:

Hammer v Poke Out
Specialist v Bubble
J.Dreadful v Striker
Wire v Clinician

A highly unremarkable quarter final, the only thing remotely interesting is that the Wire progressed, the only player who failed to win his opening game, the semi-final would look like this:

Specialist v Wire
Striker v Hammer

The Specialist narrowly lost out to the Wire, his finishing let him down once again, after only 15 darts he needed double five with the Wire on 180, sadly he took too long, throwing 21 darts he allowed the Wire back into the game to finish. The other semi was more straightforward, with the Striker overcoming the Hammer, it could have gone either way – but it didn’t.

The final would be played out by the Wire and the Striker. Both darters had been to Dart Club only once, the Wire picked up 26 Dart Club Ranking System points at the Archery Tavern and the Striker picked up 17 points at the Angel – so the Wire would have to be favourite.

And .....averaging 13.5 per dart the Wire was the winner of the 301 Open, with the Hammer beating a very upset Specialist in the third place play off.

Striker congratulates Wire	Specialist congratulates Hammer

It had been a long day, and the Finisher was pretty a tired and emotional individual. He was also smashed out of his mind, and despite being the captain of the victorious team, and despite actually beating Frankie Finisher during the match, his decision to have a dart-off for the right to use his name was perhaps a little misguided.

When Frankie Finisher checked out on double eight, the Finisher was left on 239 seemingly unable to make out the board, hurling his darts irrespective of whether they had flights. “I’ll take your money, but not your name,” said Frankie Finisher, but a bet is a bet. He retired to the bar, tried to sit down and missed his stool. He was the completely Finishered.

Elvis has left the building	The Finisher and the Finishered

Judge Dreadful helps the Finishered back onto his stool, while Jon Cank mocks

There had been a lot of darts and the Dart Club Ranking System table would see some pretty major alterations.

1 (1)	Finishered	418 (363)
2 (4)	Fist	368 (219)
3 (3)	Bull	328 (221)
4 (5)	Clinician	219 (188)
5 (2)	Danny Boy	271 (222)
6 (6)	Black Bomber	255 (186)
7 (11)	Aristocrat	228 (73)
8 (8)	Sting	153 (87)
9 (7)	Dude	129 (107)
10 (9)	Specialist	105 (81)

Despite being completely finished, the Finishered managed to maintain his top spot, both the Fist and the Aristocrat made some massive gains and Dart Club’s number two, Danny Boy, really let himself go at the City Darts, slipping to fifth place – for the record the Wire, winner of the 301 Open lies in 11th place with 97 Dart Club Ranking System points.

If the top ten were sorted in terms of points earned on the day it would like this:

1	Aristocrat	155
2	Fist	149
3	Bull	107
4	Clinician	103
5	Black Bomber	69
6	Sting	66
7	Finishered	55
8	Danny Boy	49
9	Specialist	24
10	Dude	22

He was man of the match at the Blue Posts and to some degree he was the best darter at the City Darts. Despite not winning the 301 Open or being on the winning team in the big match, the Aristocrat will go down in Dart Club history because he nailed a120 Shanghai exit in a game versus the Clinician. Treble 20, 20, double top. “It was a thing of beauty,” – the Fist.

The Aristo's Shanghai finish

J is for juvenile

Well, well, well. Dart Club had made it into double figures. Blair’s den, dartweek ten. The last Dart Club of 2002*, and a Christmas special, the Bull and the Finisher were feeling quite festive so wrote out special Christmas cards to the dartclubbers. Dart Club was suitably impressed by this small gesture, however, obviously not impressed enough to return the favour. Darts, it seems, is for life, not Christmas.

*It seems like only yesterday too....

The pub of choice was the Blue Posts on the junction of Eastcastle Street and Newman Street in London’s glitzy West End. The nearest tube is probably Tottenhamhotspur Court Road, although Oxy Circus is not that far. Come out of the Spurs, walk west towards the Circus and Newman Street is the third on your right.

The Blue Posts is a Sam Smith’s boozer. Now Dart Club is an observant beast and it has started to notice that Sam Smith’s boozers seem to be happening more often than not (or rather, as often as not). Thus far five out of the ten boozers visited have been Sam Smith’s boozers. Mr Smith’s pubs are pretty damn popular. And rightly so, they have a fine selection of German beers, they are traditional and thus not full of wankers drinking bottled lager at vastly inflated prices and they are obviously pretty darts friendly.

The Blue Posts on Eastcastle and Newman should not be confused with the one on Berwick Street in the seedier end of Soho, which whilst being quite a nice pub, does not have the required sisal facilities, AKA a dartboard. Which the Finisher and Bull found out, having been told by a bloke in another pub that it did have one. This kind of disinformation is perpetrated by darts charlatans and is a menace to society.

The first, and most important rule of Dart Club is tell everyone you know about Dart Club, this word of mouth technique, ‘viral marketing’, can often be as bit nasty as it sounds. Employing the first rule of Dart Club has led to a number of new dart clubbers attending, whilst everyone is welcome at Dart Club some darters are more welcome than others.

Some complete tossers have turned up – naming no names, they know who they are. The first rule has also led to a surprising amount of disinformation, namely blokes in pubs telling the co-chairmen that a certain boozer has a certain facility – whether or not the individuals in question are simply saying these things to ingratiate themselves with the Dart Club co-chairmen is a moot point. Most probably they feel intimidated and think they have to say something dartsmart.

WRONG!

Darts disinformation is worse than no information. The Finisher and Bull would rather plough their own darts furrow than be taken for a ride. So this message goes out to the bloke who told the Finisher that the Blue Posts on Berwick Street has a dartboard: NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T!

The landlord said that in all the time that he'd worked there (years, I might add) it has never had a dartboard. So if you haven’t got anything true to say, keep yer bloody trap shut – of course everyone makes mistakes and so Dart Club will give him the benefit of the doubt this time. Maybe he was intimidated, maybe he was trying to be helpful. He will never attend a Dart Club that’s for sure, but he has a darts moniker – the Wrong. He is also responsible for the ninth rule of Dart Club.

The ninth rule of Dart Club is: Never lie about darts.

Lying and cheating at darts is frowned upon almost as much as the electronic scoreboards, one of which, incidentally, the Blue Posts has. It is something of a cliché, but if you lie and cheat whilst playing darts, you are only cheating yourself, “Darts is different from other sports in one fundamental way. With soccer, tennis, hockey and most other ball games, save perhaps golf, what your opponent does is paramount. You react to what he does. With darts you are playing against the board.” Darts: Know the game Deryk Brown.

Of course, everyone makes mistakes, particularly after a few pints, sometimes the maff is wrong, but that is not the same as cheating. It is preferable to be a maff fuckwit than a darty rotten scoundrel.

Lying and cheating should not be confused with gamesmanship. Theoretically, unless someone physically pushes you during a throw, there is precious little that anyone can do to affect your score. However, as has been pointed out previously, darts is 90% in the head, so the more you twist a darter’s melon, the greater your chance of success.

Here are one or two of the methods employed at Dart Club, so far, in an attempt to put off a darter.

• Coughing loudly whilst the darter is taking aim (other noises at the time of pre-release are similarly effective).
• Farting SBDs (silent but deadlies).
• Staring directly at the darter as he takes aim, so that he is aware of your presence in his peripheral vision.
• Throwing darts at the dartboard from the side when it is not your turn.
• Arguing like it fucking matters over petty rule discrepancies (I point you to rule six of Dart Club, do not question the Bull or the Finisher, this is not a democracy).
• Phoning the darter’s mobile whilst he is at the oche.
• Going for a shit mid-game.
• Plying a dartette with wine in an attempt to either a) pull her or b) make her really shit at darts (this backfired somewhat on the Prince at the Whores & Doom, when the Optimist clinched victory and did not cop off).
• Sharing your opponent’s darts and dropping them all the time.
• Doing the clown dance – this is reserved for when a darter who was doing well suddenly and inexplicably starts to fuck-up, the wheels have come off his car so to speak, he is in a metaphorical clown car. The clown dance involves singing circus music, walking with a bandy gait and imitating a comedy car horn.

Darts, you see, is not cricket. Gamesmanship happens, get used to it. Thrive on it, and it will be your special friend. Bodyline tactics are the way forward. Indeed, they were very much the way forward at the Blue Posts dartweek ten, because although darts is not cricket, it was that night.

Once again Dart Club was to be split into two teams. Rather than seeding the two teams as happened at the previous dartweek, two captains would be selected – preferably new dartists. At 19:30doors when the teams were selected there was only one new dartist – the Graduate. Brother to the top ranked dartette, the Sidewinder, he selected seven teammates from the 14 dartclubbers there present. The remaining seven would be the other team. This is what the two teams looked like:

The Graduate’s Team

The Fist
The Finisher
The Clinician
The Dude
The Black Bomber
The Animal
The Graduate

The Captainless Team

The Bull
The Aristocrat
The Sidewinder
The Feather
The Sting
The Bubble
The Tongue

Now, the reason a new dartist was selected as a captain was to introduce the element of surprise into the selection process perhaps the virgin darter would think certain people looked more like a darts player than others, not unlike the method by which the England cricket team is apparently ‘selected’.

However, it became quickly apparent that the Graduate had had a sneak preview of the Dart Club Ranking System table, on paper his team looked somewhat stronger, he himself had registered a sexy darts 100 during a friendly match earlier in the evening, and he had also done the typical brother thing and not selected his sister.

The Captainless Team was up in arms, they were about to get a pre-Christmas stuffing and they did not want to be the complete turkeys. So in the spirit of fair play, the Finisher swapped places with the Sidewinder and following throwing his weight around, became self-appointed Captain of the Captainless Team.

The first thing to do when playing darts cricket is decide, with the flip of a coin, who is to bat first. The batting team captain then needs to decide his batting order.*

*Darts cricket can also be playing by just two people, obviously you don't need to decide the team order, you just chalk up 10 lines, which represent the team's batters.

After the batting side’s captain has decided on a batting order. The bowler is up at the oche first*, his turn/over consists of three darts. A wicket is taken for a bull’s-eye only, although if one of the three darts lands in the 25 and the batsman fails to register any runs during his turn at the crease (see below), he is run out.

*the captain of the team not batting decides on an 'attack' - namely the order of bowlers.

NOTE: No one bowler may take two consecutive overs. Also, team captains must ensure that no one bowler is used alternately more than three times in a row, without at least a two-over break.

After the bowler has finished his over, the batsman takes his turn at the oche/crease (unless, of course, he has been bowled out). The batsman now takes three darts and scores points for any darts that fall in the treble, outer and doubles ring, although the runs only make it onto the scoreboard when 40+ points have been scored (e.g. 45pts = five runs scored). The batsmen swap ends (i.e. turns at the crease) only when the other batsman scores an odd number of runs. Teams swap around when all but one wicket is taken (‘cos you can’t be in bat on yer own). And the team that scores the most runs over two innings is the winner.

It is a draw if closing time stops play.

Highlights of the Finisher’s team’s first innings

The Finisher won the toss and so the Bull opened facing the first delivery. Ominously enough, he would be facing the Fist, who came steaming in from the bar-end, he landed one of his three darts in the 25, and Bull failed to score any runs, and so found himself run out for a duck.

Since no runs were scored the third order batsman, the Aristocrat, was up next, he claimed a quick single, the Finisher managed to get five runs, the Aristocrat then put in a massive 60 runs, before being clean bowled by the Fist.

The Finisher’s team’s middle order then crumbled, with the Finisher watching from the top of the wicket helpless to help as the Feather was run-out for a duck, bowled by the Sidewinder, the Sting then came in and scored a nice 12, which meant he was still facing and was run-out, with a ball bowled by the Animal.

The Bubble was in and out quicker than a fiddler’s elbow, run-out with a ball delivered by the Graduate. Next up tailender the Tongue scored a very tidy 40 runs, then got a quick single forcing the Finisher to face, who scored another five, returning the favour in an almost Geoff Boycott stylee. Sadly the partnership came to an end when the Tongue was stranded run-out from one of the Clinician’s famous googlies.

The Clinician looking well pleased with himself

Bull	run-out (Fist)	0
Finisher	NOT OUT	10
Aristocrat	bowled (Fist)	61
Feather	run-out (Sidewinder)	0
Sting	run-out (Animal)	12
Bubble	run-out (Graduate)	0
Tongue	run-out (Clinician)	41
		124

Highlights of the Graduate’s team’s first innings

One hundred and twenty four did not look an especially difficult target, that is until the Finisher clean bowled the big hitting Fist, first dart -golden duck. Hilariously, the Fist was not at all pleased.

It took a further eight overs before another wicket fell, during which time the Clinician had scored 21 runs, the Dude had got a quick single and it was the Clinician who found himself run-out thanks one of the Aristocrat’s deceptive swingers.

The Aristocrat struck again, clean bowling the Graduate’s team’s captain – the Graduate. In the following over the Sting was responsible for getting the Black Bomber run-out. The Sting was clearly on fire, when he next bowled the Animal found himself run-out – the Dude was still stranded at the top of the wicket, and could do nothing but look on when the Sidewinder was run-out courtesy of one of the Tongue’s lashing deliveries.

The Dude collects his one and only run

Fist	bowled (Finisher)	0
Clinician	run-out (Aristocrat	21
Dude	NOT OUT	1
Graduate	bowled (Aristocrat)	0
Black Bomber	run-out (Sting)	0
Animal	run-out (Sting)	0
Sidewinder	run-out (Tongue)	0
		22

Highlights of the Finisher’s team’s second innings

The Finisher changed his batting order, to a reverse order of the first innings. It was clearly a masterstroke because the innings was significantly better in terms of runs scored.

Although neither the Feather nor the Bubble were able to better their first innings haul, registering no runs whatsoever. This mattered not, because the rest of the side were battering the Graduate’s darts all over the oche.

In reverse order of impressiveness, the Tongue scored 21, the Sting scored 26, the Finisher scored 82, the Bull got 138 and the Ian Botham of Dart Club, the Aristocrat, scored a whopping 142, in an innings that included a sexy darts 160 (he was bloody pissed off when he was told that as it did not occur in a game of n01 he would not get the 40 Dart Club Ranking System points due, however, when rules five and six of Dart Club were repeated he accepted the decision, albeit quite grudgingly).

The Bull scores a ton	So does the Aristocrat

Tongue	bowled (Clinician)	21
Bubble	bowled (Fist)	0
Sting	run-out (Clinician)	26
Feather	run-out (Black Bomber)	0
Aristocrat	bowled (Fist)	142
Finisher	bowled (Fist)	82
Bull	NOT OUT	138
	TOTAL AFTER TWO INNINGS	409

Highlights of the Graduate’s team’s second innings

The Graduate also elected to change his batting order, and that too had a very positive effect on runs scored. It was always going to be difficult chasing such a high total, particularly when you look at the poxy 22 runs scored first time out, and even more particularly when you consider the fact that the Graduate’s opener, the Dude, was run-out for a duck in the first over of the second innings, bowled by the Finisher.

Then the Aristocrat clean bowled the Sidewinder in the next over. However, the Fist was now in, and the Finisher was unable to get rid of him straight away, and with the Fist at the crease a comeback was definitely on the cards, he scored 20 runs straight away and then 61 runs next, the Animal was then bowled by the Sting. The Fist then reached his century and looked well on his way to getting a double century, but joy of joy, the Finisher stuck in a 25 and miraculously he fucked it right up so was run-out. And while the rest of the Graduate’s batting order was fairly resilient it was unable to make up the massive deficit.

The Fist celebrates a century

Dude	run-out (Finisher)	0
Graduate	run-out (Sting)	46
Sidewinder	bowled (Aristocrat)	0
Fist	run-out (Finisher)	141
Animal	bowled (Sting)	16
Clinician	bowled (Aristocrat)	20
Black Bomber	NOT OUT	44
	TOTAL AFTER TWO INNINGS	267

The Finisher’s team had won by a massive 244 runs and the Aristocrat with 203 runs scored and four wickets claimed was without doubt the man-of-the-match. Maybe that would go some way to console him after the Dart Club Ranking System points denial.

All that remained was to play a mass game of £5-in 501. It was still pretty early, but with the Christmas drinks season in full swing some of the darters were not entirely on the ball, so organisation was proving a bit tricky, still it was 10doors and so that left an hour and 20, which would be plenty of time. Or would it?

In short, unlike at the Lyric, the Black Bomber was unable to finish things off, although at the time of being kicked out he was on 46. Everyone had put in a fiver, so there was 65quid at stake, the Finisher had 12 darts on doubles finishes and so was somewhat aggrieved at being kicked out, because apart from the Hammer no body else was on a finish (for the record the Hammer required double five – which is quite ironicallicious because the Hammer was the only member of Dart Club that reclaimed his fiver – tight northern git).

So there would have to be a roll-over jackpot at the big match versus Leicester dartweek 11. The Finisher had all the scores written down on paper, so maybe he would get the (now) 60knicker after all. Although, chances are that those not on a finish would demand a re-start.

Also for the record, the Clinician who tipped a bag of crisps on the floor and verbally abused the bar staff – Dart Club does not condone this kind of behaviour anymore than it condones cheating, or slagging off your team mates if they are not as good as you and they are playing badly. Anyway, all this has called for a tenth rule of Dart Club.

The tenth rule of Dart Club is: Do not bring Dart Club into ill repute.

That said, things all told were going swimmingly, 52 different people had attended a Dart Club over the ten dartweeks so far. Many more people had been told about Dart Club, but the crucial question: “Do you have a publisher lined-up?” still had a negative response. People were enthusiastic about Dart Club when told about it, but the nagging doubts remained. To some people it all looked like an excuse for going out and getting drunk, did these people really care about darts, or were they just being a bit iconoclastically ironicallistical? The Bull and Finisher were on a mission. Dart Club wanted to rule the country, it was a revolution for fuck’s sake. Dart Club was a junta.

The Aristo and Animal: tungsten technicians	The Black Bomber keeps score, never rely on the electronic scoreboard

The chairmen really did want to take darts out to the nation, the viral marketing methods employed so far were not bad, but for proper mass appeal Dart Club needed a business plan.


DART CLUB BUSINESS PLAN
17 December 2002

Executive Summary:

Now, it is all very well meeting in a pub and playing drunken darts (badly) every fortnight, but where is the return on investment? What is the financial raison d’etre?
What is in it for us?

Well, all these questions can be answered now we have completed the Dart Club Business Plan.

First of all we should say a little bit about the economic conditions which Dart Club is subject to. Ever since the tragic events of 9/11, it has been a difficult year for darts (the Bull even had to check his darts case through baggage control at Stansted). It had also been a difficult year for publishing, unless your book featured some sort of fecking wizard.

When the two Dart Club chairmen hatched their plan it was with purely altruistic intentions – how could they help ordinary people to enjoy the life of darts like they did? How could they make people as happy as they were?

But altruism is non-sustainable in today’s world!

So what revenue generators are there in the plan? First of all, and the flagship product, is the book. A record of the 52 weeks of Dart Club will be the standing testament, with pictures, charts, profiles and everything. This gets printed, published and pressed and then despatched out to leading high-street bookstores. And from this everything else will follow…the sponsorship, the real-time website, the TV chatshow appearances, the supermarket openings, the merchandise, the membership fees, the annual dinner and so on and so forth.

Then when it has sufficient market following and brand exposure, Dart Club will launch the IPO. Dart Club PLC makes a healthy profit on the Nasdaq, the chairmen sell their stake and retire prematurely to the Caribbean. Job done.

The Book:
The factors for consideration are:

• Costs
• Revenue generators

So, cost can be broken down into cost of production, cost of design, cost of promotion and cost of distribution, and these are based on print run, pagination, choice of materials and the extent to which the project will be marketed and promoted.

Now there is one way that all these costs can be absorbed, and realistically speaking it is the only way of success…get a publisher and they will pay for everything (including the chairmen’s summer holidays next year).

So, what publishers have ventured into the darts/pub cluture/pointless projects dreamed up over a pint?

Darts:
Planet Darts – Niall Edworthy - Headline
Darts: Know the Game – Deryk Brown – A+C Black

Pointless projects:
Tony Hawks – Playing the Modovans at Tennis – Edbury Press
Tony Hawks – Around Ireland with a Fridge – Ebury Press
Dave Gorman and Danny Wallace – Are You Dave Gorman – Ebury Press
Duncan Fallowell - To Noto (London to Sicily in a Ford) – Gibson Square Books
Peter Moore – No Shitting in the Toilet – Bantam
Tim Moore – No Frost on My Moustache – Abacus

The Darts:
To gain bona fide status we will have to approach the governing bodies of the darts world. The world of darts governance has fortunately been split asunder amid much acrimony, resulting in two rival governing bodies. While this is all very sad (like your parents getting divorced and always shouting at each other) it does give us two bites at the cherry. If we fuck up with the PDC (Professional Darts Corporation) then we can chance our arm with the BDO (British Darts Organisation)

The background on the two shows them to be very different animals. The BDO was the original darts body, still run by the colourful and slightly infamous Ollie Croft (and his wife). Aside from having a marvellous pair of lamb chops. Croft is also famous for being a touch dictatorial, indeed it was his stubborn refusal to conform to his members’ demands for a bit of modernisation that precipitated the break-away group that is the PDC.

So the PDC took the best 30 players and some Sky TV money and gave us the World Championships in Purfleet and the unstoppable rise of Phil ‘the Power’ Taylor. The BDO gave us the BBC2 world championships and some Dutch bloke that no one outside darts has heard of. A quick look at the respective websites – www.planetdarts.co.uk and www.bdodarts.com - shows which one is possibly more in tune with contemporary affairs.

Therefore we will target the PDC first and the BDO second.

The PR:
Nothing succeeds without publicity and with both chairmen being in the media game, Dart Club is no stranger to the world and workings of PR. The trick is to target the right ones. Another great PR trick is to hire twenty-something chicks and get them to ply journalists with free sauce and laugh at their jokes.

First Dart Club needs a press release, secondly it needs a story and thirdly it needs some inside contacts.

Based on this winning formula, Dart Club has two irons in the fire. One has probably melted by now (a story in the Metro that said fewer people are playing darts in pubs and Dart Club invited the paper to witness evidence to the contrary – see chapter six F is for full housey) and the other is just a bit late (Dart Club is still waiting for Time Out to turn up with a cameraman, as was once promised).

However, Dart Club cannot afford to rest on its laurels. So it has targeted the following London-based publications for press coverage:
Evening Standard/Metro Life
The Metro
Time Out

The Breweries:
When it comes to pub darts, darts are only half the story. Er…the pubs are the other half. So Dart Club will be targeting the breweries for some kind of corporate pocket money. So far the Dart Club approach has been brewery-agnostic, although it is fair to say that all the best ones have been Sam Smith’s boozers.

There is an ethical worry that seeking sponsorship will thus affect Dart Club’s agnosticity. One of the main reasons for doing the book is that Londoners can be kept informed of the best places to play darts within the Circle Line (that’s the yellow one folks!) and this will be harder to do if all the pubs have to be from the same brewery.

However, if Dart Club makes the “Recommended Brewery” thing highly aspirational, breweries will be fighting each other for the Dart Club seal of approval. This can only be a good thing.

So sponsorship packages are:

Platinum: Lay on free beer all night and a reserved room for the night (in which Dart Club will be able to play until midnight) with the option for its own music and a light buffet of onion bhajis and crisps. In return, the pub gets a healthy five star rating in the book including full listing info and details of London-based subsidiaries, plus web-link and profile of Landlord/lady.

Gold: Same as above except without the free beer. In return, the pub gets a four star rating and full listing of the pub in question but no subsidiaries and no landord/lady profile but a modest web-link.

Silver: Same as above except that the room is in the regular body of the pub so dartclubbers have to put up with ordinary people breathing Dart Club’s air. In return the pub gets a three star rating and a sketchy mention of the pub. Nowt else.

Shit: This involves the landlord chucking us out before we have completed the All In 501 Challenge. In return the pub gets a slagging in the book and some of Dart Club’s members pointlessly argue the point with the landlord and tip crisp packets on the floor. Nice.

The Website:
Erm, this blog is all we’ve got so far. If the Dart Club coffers are bolstered by brewery/publishing interest then the website will merely be a value-added supplement to the main body of bound-in text. If it remains corporately brassic then the website will become THE publishing vehicle. Each chapter will be posted on the web, as will a daterbase of pubs with links wherever warranted.

Furthermore, Dart Club members will have a message board to converse with other members, arrange lifts, stoke petty rivalries etc..etc. And next event/admin stuff can be relayed through the website, thus saving the Dart Club chairmen from a telling-off from their workplace’s IT dept.

Revenues can be pulled in by banner advertising, sponsored links and a clubshop section which will be sponsored by darts gadgetry vendors, which brings me to…

Darts Vendors:
You can’t play darts without darts stuff. So naturally you can’t launch a Dart Club venture without tapping up the suppliers – through either web-based sponsorship (see above) or sponsorship for members which is then reciprocated in the book - i.e. Dart Club uses only Winmau dartboards and Unicorn darts.

Again, this raises some ethical issues – everyone has their favourite darts – but maybe the rivalry of Dart Club members will lead to the Nirvana-like state of separate sponsorship for individual players.

Finally, clothing – i.e, the nice, too-wide, polyester shirts with names on the back

Vendors include:
Unicorn
Winmau
And others.

Appendix:

Further Darts books:
Paddy Whannel and Dana Hogdon (The Book of Darts, Chicago: Henry Regnery Company, 1976),
Robert McLeod and Jay Cohen (Darts Unlimited, New York: Grosset & Dunlap, 1977)
Jack McClintock (The Book of Darts, New York: Random House, 1977
Patrick Coward (In and Out , Waterville, Maine, USA: Five Star, 2001)
fun*dart*men*tals
How To Throw Well And Win More! by Frank Pratt & F.M. Harris

Now this has been rather a long chapter, so a full analysis of the Dart Ranking System would probably be overkill, however, here is the top ten, the top eight of which would be the first team in the game against Leicester (if they show up).

1 (1)	Finisher	363 (352)
2 (2)	Danny Boy	222 (222)
3 (3)	Bull	221 (207)
4 (4)	Fist	219 (179)
5 (5)	Clinician	187 (176)
6 (6)	Black Bomber	186 (160)
7 (7)	Dude	107 (86)
8 (9)	Sting	83 (71)
9 (8)	Specialist	81 (81)
9 (11)	Sidewinder	81 (62)