The trip out to Lancaster Gate had been fun, going on the tubes and stuff is always exciting* except on the odd occasions when it’s massively delayed or just sits in a tunnel for ages due to signal problems on the northbound track, even though you’re on the southbound one, or when it’s really packed in the middle of summer with no air conditioning and you have to ram yourself in like a sardine, then people start pushing and shoving, saying:“Can you move down please?”
“Oh aye, where to? You daft sod, I tell you what, I’ll levitate shall I? I’ll just float up above everyone’s heads and lie floating horizontally?”
*Actually, tube trips are seldom fun and rarely exciting. Especially, now you can’t even have a can of booze to keep you company.
Dart Club decided against taking the tube for Dartweek Six, since the tube is a royal pain in the arse at rush hour and not unlike the Pet Shop Boys, the Dart Club boys are also West End boys at heart. They would be keeping the venue centrally locatorized.
Now, strictly speaking, the west African nation of Ghana is as West End central as you can get, since it lies on both the equator and the Greenwich Meridian—the bull’s-eye of the world, as it were. However, Dart Club would not be flying to Accra for Dartweek Six. It’s unlikely that the staunch and avid DC faithful would stump up the cost of a flight. There’s faithful and there’s mental. Although, often the two are not mutually exclusive.
The Clinician (like Adrian Mole) might well have suggested his home town of Ashby-de-la-Zouche, in Leicestershire, as a possible destination for a central Dart Club. Since it is claimed by residents and backed up by cartographers, that Ashby is as far from the coast as it is possible to get in Engerland and is thus at its centre point.
It might be in Engerland, but it might as well be Accra since it too is miles outside the comfortable confines of the Circle Line. If the Circle Line were the centre of bull’s-eye, Ashby would be about treble five. Dart Club must stay in the Smoke. And as every Londonerer cockerney barra-boy knows, there is nowhere more central in the whole wide world, than Centre Point.
For those of you that live in the sticks, Centre Point is a crappy excuse of a sky-scraper that sits on the junction of Oxford Street and Tottenhamhotspur Court Road, there is a bar at ground level, which isn’t too bad although it does have more than a passing resemblance to an upmarket bus station, what it doesn’t have though is a dartboard. There is a snooker hall underneath Centre Point, it has plenty of snooker tables, some pool tables, a fruity or two and is full of low-lifes, but what it doesn’t have is a dartboard.
Luckily enough though the Angel does have one. The Angel is on St Giles High Street, which is kind of behind Centre Point to the south a bit. The best way of getting there is by coming out of Tottenhamhotspur Court Road tube station and walking south down Charring Cross Road, taking the first left and following the road round, the boozer isn’t immediately obvious, but keep on following the road around and you will find it – from the outside it doesn’t really drag you in. But believe you us, it’s worth it.
The Angel is split in two. One half is denoted the ‘lounge’ don’t go in that bit if you want darts, go in the other half which is the ‘public bar’. It’s a Sam Smiths pub, like the Champion and the Bricklayer’s Arms (Dartweeks two and four), which means they mainly serve fairly respectable German beers and at a very reasonable price. They do serve food in the Angel, although no one at Dart Club sampled the fodder.
The dartboard is in a fairly poor state of repair, although not as bad as the Lyric. The oche looked to be about the correct distance from the board, but dangerously, the door to the gents opens out in the line of fire of the darters!!!!
The landlord had better hope no one from Sam Smith’s health and safety is reading this, because they’ll be getting on their high viz jacket and steelies and closing the place down before you can say “lawsuit. It’s an accident waiting to happen.
If you try and reserve the dartboard be prepared for the landlord to introduce his all new alternative system of booking.
“Hi, we’d like to book the dartboard please.”
“OK no problem, what time?”
“Well 5:30 please.”
“OK, I tell you what, I’ll put a sign up saying the board is booked at five, but if someone comes in and wants to play, I won’t kick them off.”
You wouldn’t get that kind of treatment in the Archery Tavern, that’s for sure. Mainly, of course, because it’s shut down….
In the event though, on the night of dartweek six the Bull, the Finisher, the Sidewinder, the Dude (newcomer) and the Power strolled into the pub to find the dartboard pretty vacant. Phew.
The new game for week six was to be darts bingo. For anyone out there who was brought up in the Amazon basin and has recently gotten a broadband connection or has recently suffered severe head trauma and forgotten everything, bingo is a gambling game directed at grannies.
What happens is the grannies all buy a card or two and the cards are decorated with a smattering of numbers from one to 100. A ‘caller’ then pulls balls (numbered one to 100) one at a time from a spinny thing, then shouts (or calls) out whichever number he pulled out. If the number called appears on you’re the granny’s card, she marks it off.
If they manage to strike off all the numbers on their card(s) they shout ‘HOUSE!’ and win.
Darts bingo is slightly different. As you can probably imagine.
In darts bingo entrants should choose four numbers from 1-10 for the top row, four numbers from 11-20 for the second row and four ‘special targets’, each of the targets should be a double or a treble (including the 25/bull).
Then allow normal games of 301 darts to proceed. The entrants should strike off their numbers when they are hit on the dartboard during whatever game people are playing, the first person to get the first two rows and one off the bottom (i.e. one of the special ‘targets’) wins whatever money is in the pot.
This is one of the few darts games that you can play when you can’t actually get on the dartboard. Of course if you are playing at the same time, it gives you an unfair advantage, because you can aim at the numbers on your card. But nobody said life was fair.
The Bull and the Finisher painstakingly marked out about 100 bingo cards on the back of some old business cards in anticipation of Dart Club. The self styled (and titled) dynamic duo had also marked one number from the first or second row with a circle, the idea being that if anyone hit one of that numbers marked with a circle the hitter had to buy the hittee a drink of their choosing.
Those present at Dart Club then split up and had a game of doubles, everybody bought a bingo card, except the Power who is a tight arse, fortunately the Darkness had arrived and so that made the prize money a respectable £5.
The Finnisher and the Bull kicked off the game, and the Bull got closest to the bull even though the Finisher got really close too. Maybe all this darts was starting to pay off.
 |
| The Bull out bulls the Finisher |
During the first game played the whole ‘buy someone a drink when the circled number gets hit’ rule fell by the wayside, everybody already had drinks and so it felt a bit daft suddenly demanding drinks. But on paper it is a good rule.
This game gets a bit confusing if you are trying to play another game at the same time, numbers get missed – what might be best is if someone is given the task of being the caller, that way the players can concentrate on playing and scoring their own game and the bingo players can play bingo.
On the night the one and only game of bingo was won by the Dude. Who then popped a pound in the fruity and won a further £5. And for the record, he did not plough the money back into darts. On the contrary, he buggered off after one more game, a game that he won with a three dart finish earning a grand total of 20 Dart Club Ranking System points – had Dart Club just been hustled? Probably.
Following the success of the Dart Club FA Challenge Cup at the Archery Tavern, the Bull and the Finisher decided to step it up a gear and play a Dart Club Champions’ League at the Angel, after all, that’s where the money is these days.
With the time at a relatively early doors of about 19:30 Dart Club had attracted a massive 20 darters, which would have made things a bit tricky, fortunately four of them didn’t feel up to the challenge of a Dart Club Champions’ League, so the remaining 16 were split into four groups of four, as shown below, with the top two from each group progressing to a randomly drawn quarter final.
| Group A | Group B | Group C | Group D of death |
| Fire | Fist | Bomber | Finisher |
| Darkness | Feather | Aristocrat | Danny Boy |
| Chancellor | Bull | Specialist | Sting |
| Striker | Sidewinder | Wrist | Bubble |
Group A
There were no real surprises when the Darkness managed to beat the Fire, although the match did go to the wire. The Chancellor then beat the Striker on penalties and followed it up with victory over the Fire, which meant that the Fire was put out. The Darkness then went on to beat the Striker (with a three dart finish). So the Darkness and Chancellor progressed to the quarters with two wins apiece.
 |
| The Darkness celebrates a rare victory |
Group B
Things were a little closer in Group B. Newcomer the Fist beat the Feather with a massively impressive three dart finish, double top exit, but was in turn dispatched by the Bull, on the sophisticated darters exit of double 16. The Bull also beat the Sidewinder on penalties, which gave him two wins, and when the Sidewinder beat the Feather, it necessitated a play-off between her and the Fist. The Fist then took the game and second spot with an emphatic bull’s-eye penalties win. The Bull and Fist would progress to the quarters.
Group C
Newcomer the Aristocrat proved himself to be the penalty king beating both the Bomber and the Specialist, thus taking two high ranking Dart Club scalps into the bargain. The Specialist rose to the penalty challenge beating the Dart Club FA Challenge Cup champion, the Wrist, but the Wrist then beat the Bomber, which meant that the Specialist and Wrist had to meet again to decide who went through. This time the Wrist proved his credentials with a fine victory over the Specialist. The Aristocrat and Wrist progressed to the quarters.
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| The Specialist looks bored while the Striker grins over his shoulder like a maniac |
Group D of death
The group of death lived up to its billing, although no one actually died. But in the opening game featuring Dart Club’s one and two, some exceptional darts were played, after 18 darts both players required the sophisticated double 16. The Finisher took the tie, although it could easily have gone either way. The Finisher then beat the Sting with a more than typical double one exit and Danny Boy beat the Bubble on penalties, picking up three pub scores along the way. The Sting also beat the Bubble, which necessitated a play-off between him and Danny Boy, which was then won on penalties by Danny Boy. So no surprises, the Finisher and Danny Boy progressed to the quarters.
The draw for the quarters looked like this:
Fist v Wrist
Darkness v Danny Boy
Finisher v Aristocrat
Chancellor v Bull
The Fist and the Wrist had both qualified via a play-off position, however, the former showed his class exiting on a double top after 18 darts, leaving the Dart Club FA Challenge Cup champion on 158 at check out. That’s good darts.
Danny Boy was in for his second defeat of the evening with the Darkness beating him on penalties to progress.
The Finisher needed penalties during his match, fortunately for him the Aristocrat’s penalty king status had been removed and replaced by that of a drunken fool, so his darts were all slightly askew.
As a Dart Club newcomer that night, the Aristocrat clearly wasn’t up to speed with the sheer volume of booze required. His drunkenness was then further highlighted when he patronised another newcomer the Dictator by telling her that her English was “very good”.
The Dictator heralds from Yugoslovakia, hence the Aristo’s comment. The Aristo, however, was unaware of the fact that the Dictator has been living in England for some time, and had, in fact, gained a first class honours degree in English from Nottingham (Forest) University.
Back at the oche and in the final match of the quarter finals, another new comer the Chancellor knocked the Bull out, both players required double 10 after 21 darts but the newbie nailed it first, leaving the semi-finals looking like this:
Finisher v Fist
Darkness v Chancellor
The Finisher once again found himself on the receiving end of a defeat in the semi final. The Fist took the tie in emphatic fashion. In the other semi-final the Darkness also failed to make the grade as the Chancellor progressed.
The final of the Champions League would look like this:
 |
| The Fist versus the Chancellor |
It would be a difficult one to call, the Fist required a play-off to get out of the group stages, having been beaten by the Bull, however, he had thrown some quite sexy darts during the course of the evening and knocked out the Finisher in the semi-final.
While the Chancellor was probably stronger on paper, having come through the group stages without losing and having beaten the Bull and the Darkness en route to the final.
Things on paper, however, almost always differ wildly from things at the oche. Despite scoring a sexy darts 100 on the way, the Chancellor came unstuck in the final, he’d met his match, the Fist exited on double top to take the tie and win the Dart Club Champions’ League final, scooping 32quid into the bargain.
 |
| The Fist is victorious |
Dart Club had become a victim of its own success at the Angel, at the start of the tournament 20 people had turned up, whilst the tournament was under way another six eager dart clubbers put in an appearance.
 |  |
| A smiling the Enigma | A smiling everyone else |
Word had clearly got out, however, the Bull and the Finisher were not completely satisfied, for the one person who had not turned up was the photographer from the Metro. For the benefit of those of you who dwell outside the glorious confines of the Holy Smoke, the Metro is a free paper that litters the London Underground, its unofficial motto is ‘yesterday’s news tomorrow’.
On the day of Dart Club number six the Metro had run a story, that was clearly nothing more that a re-written press release from the publisher of the Good Pub Guide, which claimed that traditional pub game pastimes were dying out in favour of live sports and fancy grub.
Even though it was nothing more than a re-written press release that stated the absolute bleedin’ obvious, it still struck a chord with the Bull and the Finisher.
Traditional pub game pastimes are running out, which is one of the chief reasons that Dart Club formed in the first place. It’s difficult to imagine a better way of spending the evening than throwing pointy tungsten miniature-missiles at a board marked out with 20 numbers and bull’s-eye.
It really is. Go on, imagine. There see, it’s difficult isn’t it?
The Bull fired off an email to the news editor at the Metro, explaining that the ‘article’ had struck a chord, however, there are a group of keen traditionalists that are trying to redress the balance. The email included a brief description of Dart Club and an invitation to the Angel. But sadly the Metro missed out on the scoop.
It was perhaps naïve of the Bull and Finisher to believe that one simple email would do the trick. What they needed was a marketing campaign, they needed to send out press releases, since the Metro is a tired and lonely excuse for journalism that prints press releases Dart Club would have to play ball – if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em.
DartClub
Record numbers attend Dart Club at the Angel
At current growth rates Dart Club will exceed 200 attendees by year-end, say analysts
London, 25 October 2002 – Dart Club, Europe’s premier evening out in
London’s glitzy West End, was attended by a staggering 26 darters at the Angel pub on St Giles High Street, London, October 24, 2002. Bringing the number of people to attend Dart Club up to the grand total of 38, after only six outings. At the current growth rate analysts predict that Dart Club will break the 100 mark before Q2, 2003.
After only five previous encounters Dart Club has grown, by simple word of mouth, from an initial magnificent seven all the way up to its current giddy heights, and at the current growth rate it will soon have to hire out entire public houses and possibly install extra dartboards.
“I’m delighted with the success of Dart Club,” said Dart Club co-chairman the Bull, adding: “Of course, I never doubted the fact that people would want to come and play darts, particularly in view of the fact that it is being carried out in the name of art. We live in a society where creativity is being stifled. We are continuously pressured into proving a positive return on investment for our labours. People need an outlet. Life isn’t about proving an ROI. Dart Club is that outlet. Dart Club is life.”
With only 20 more Dart Clubs to go the number of attendees is likely to exceed 100 by Q2, 2003. If Dart Club goes beyond its 26 scheduled events, by the year 2006, at the current growth rate, it will be have been attended by everyone in London. By the year 2020, based on the current growth rate, everyone in the world will have attended one Dart Club event. The population of Dart Club will exceed the population of the Earth by the year 2050.
-ends-
Notes to editors:
For more information journalists should call the Bull (020 7017 XXXX) or the Finisher (020 7017 XXXX). Or visit www.dartclub.blogspot.com.
About Dart Club:
Dart Club meets every two weeks at a pub within the confines of the Circle Line. The ultimate aim is to produce the ultimate guidebook to 26 of the greatest darts games in 26 of London’s greatest darts venues. Dart Club was founded on August 5, 2002. So far 38 different people have attended Dart Club, roughly 17,500 darts have been thrown*.
*based on a average number of 45 darts per person per game.
London, 25 October 2002 – Dart Club, Europe’s premier evening out in
London’s glitzy West End, was attended by a staggering 26 darters at the Angel pub on St Giles High Street, London, October 24, 2002. Bringing the number of people to attend Dart Club up to the grand total of 38, after only six outings. At the current growth rate analysts predict that Dart Club will break the 100 mark before Q2, 2003.
After only five previous encounters Dart Club has grown, by simple word of mouth, from an initial magnificent seven all the way up to its current giddy heights, and at the current growth rate it will soon have to hire out entire public houses and possibly install extra dartboards.
“I’m delighted with the success of Dart Club,” said Dart Club co-chairman the Bull, adding: “Of course, I never doubted the fact that people would want to come and play darts, particularly in view of the fact that it is being carried out in the name of art. We live in a society where creativity is being stifled. We are continuously pressured into proving a positive return on investment for our labours. People need an outlet. Life isn’t about proving an ROI. Dart Club is that outlet. Dart Club is life.”
With only 20 more Dart Clubs to go the number of attendees is likely to exceed 100 by Q2, 2003. If Dart Club goes beyond its 26 scheduled events, by the year 2006, at the current growth rate, it will be have been attended by everyone in London. By the year 2020, based on the current growth rate, everyone in the world will have attended one Dart Club event. The population of Dart Club will exceed the population of the Earth by the year 2050.
-ends-
Notes to editors:
For more information journalists should call the Bull (020 7017 XXXX) or the Finisher (020 7017 XXXX). Or visit www.dartclub.blogspot.com.
About Dart Club:
Dart Club meets every two weeks at a pub within the confines of the Circle Line. The ultimate aim is to produce the ultimate guidebook to 26 of the greatest darts games in 26 of London’s greatest darts venues. Dart Club was founded on August 5, 2002. So far 38 different people have attended Dart Club, roughly 17,500 darts have been thrown*.
*based on a average number of 45 darts per person per game.
After six Dart Clubs the Dart Club Ranking System table was starting to consolidate:
| 1 (1) | Finisher | 278 (241) |
| 2 (2) | Danny Boy | 162 (145) |
| 3 (3) | Clinician | 124 (124) |
| 4 (4) | Bull | 103 (83) |
| 5 (5) | Specialist | 81 (72 |
| 6 (8) | Darkness | 65 (43) |
| 7 (6) | Black Bomber | 55 (47) |
| 8 (7) | Animal | 45 (44) |
| 9 | Fist | 41 |
| 10 (12) | Wrist | 34 (20) |
So, no change at the top, although the Finisher opened up a slight gap over Danny Boy due to two sexy darts 100s. The Bull failed to take full advantage of the fact that the Clinician could not attend, although he did close the gap, winning four out of the five games of 301 he played that night, plus one doubles win, if he could get some sexy darts merit points next time he would be in with a shout. Still, it’s trebles for show, doubles for dough, the Bull had a great night on the finishing front and no one can take that away from him.
The Darkness leap-frogged both the Animal and the Black Bomber, to take sixth spot. The Black Bomber had a woeful evening, winning just one of the four games of 301 he played, while the Animal’s excuse was slightly better, in that that he turned up, but didn’t actually get an opportunity to play.
The Dart Club Ranking System top ten received two new entrants. On the strength of some excellent sexy darts finishing and winning the Dart Club Champions’ League final the Fist found himself in ninth place, earning a whopping 41 points in one night. While the Wrist managed to squeeze into the top ten earning 14 points, not quite as impressive as his first outing at the Archery Tavern, but enough to make the grade. However, he really can’t afford to miss a Dart Club, because hot on his heels are the Bubble and the Sidewinder, both with 33 Dart Club Ranking System points apiece.
It had been a busy night, perhaps a bit too busy. But that’s the way of the world, Dart Club would have to start getting a bit choosey.
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