I is for real

After its brief sojourn last time out into the barren hinterland that lies beyond the confines of the Circle Line, dartweek nine would return back to its West End roots, and very much within its predefined geographical limits.

The Finisher was not best pleased with the Bull’s bullish booking of the Bull, so took the bull by the horns, so to speak, and was in attendance with the Bull when they both booked the Horse & Groom on Great Portland Street.

The Horse & Groom, affectionately known as the Whores & Doom, lies about half way between Great Portland Street tube station and Oxford Street tube station, walking south down Great Portland Street from the tube station bearing the same name, you’ll see it on the left, it is an unassuming boozer, with a very congenial landlord. It has a sizeable public bar, a comfortable lounge and pokey games room, featuring a table footy and, of course, a dartboard – albeit a bit of a scraggy number.

It is a Sam Smith’s pub so it sells reasonably priced German lagers…..or at least it does normally, but on the night of Dart Club number nine, the lager was off! So, most of Dart Club were forced to embrace the north and drink bitter – which was a pleasant change.

The H&G also features an electronic darts scorer, which is good for the maff fuckwits, but bad for darts – darts should never be electronicacised.

The Bull and the Finisher strolled into the Whores & Doom at about 17:00doors intending to get the new game out of the way ASAP, because for reasons that will become clearer later, Dart Club really did need to focus on regular darts, particularly after the previous dartweek’s quiz related darts night.

The ninth game to be played at Dart Club was based on the sea-side favourite of KKKKKkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrraaaaazzzzzy golf. Crazy golf, is about as kkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrraaaaazzzzzy as normal golf, i.e. not very.

But, frankly, at the British sea-side there is only so much raw sewage one can bear swallowing in the sub-zero sea before the lure of the crazy golf, trampolines and bored looking donkeys take their collective hold. In a pub there is little opportunity to trampoline, or indeed take ride on a donkey, however, at the oche there is every opportunity to play crazy golf.

Dart crazy golf, it turns out, is pretty good, although it does not feature the windmill, which for reasons unknown is everybody’s favourite on a regular crazy golf course, it does feature plenty of scope for WILD darts.

Competitors, should write down the following string of numbers on the chalkboard: 20, 18, four, six, 10, 19, 16, eight, 14 and nine.

What is the link?

Think laterally, go on, it’s not that difficult.

The more Krypton Factored smart arse readers out there will have noticed that the common denominator between these seemingly random numbers is that they all feature a ‘loop’, i.e. a hole, although 18 and eight have two holes.

In this darts game it doesn’t matter who goes first, likewise it doesn’t really matter how many players there are. Players take it in turns throwing three darts at a time. If any of the three darts lands in the hole of the target number, the darter scores a hole in one. If the dart lands in amongst the target a two is scored. A three score is registered if the best dart lands in the double space or space described by the extrapolation of the target boundaries up to the edge of the bored. A four is scored for the treble bed and outer bed, a five is scored for the inner bed and a six if none of the above.

Here is what happened when the Bull and the Finisher played out the first game:

	Bull	Finisher
20	3	4
18	6	7
4	9	10
6	12	14
10	13	17
19	16	20
16	18	24
8	24	26
14	27	29
9	31	33

With one round completed, the darters returned to the 19th hole for a refreshing pint of bitter. It had been a decent round, with the Bull claiming the only hole in one, beating the Finisher by two holes. The Finisher was not pleased, so rather like a hard done-by elder brother he suggested that they got back around the board, starting on nine and moving anti-clockwise back to the 20. Here is what happened:

	Bull	Finisher
9	37	36
14	40	37
8	46	41
16	49	47
19	52	50
10	55	53
6	61	57
4	64	60
18	67	63
20	-	64

Having completed a second round the Finisher was significantly happier, not only had he made the two-hole deficit up, but he had notched two hole in ones, including one on the final hole, which negated the need for the Bull to take his last throw.

The Finisher scores a crazy hole in one

With darts crazy golf out of the way, the co-chairmen could start focusing on the night's maid event. Team darts.

Both the Bull and the Finisher have a darts loving mutual associate who lives in Leicester. The story of how they both came to know the Leicester darter is long winded and has nothing to do with darts or pubs. However, it is story wrapped in a mystery, and a mysterious number at that, the number 26. And if this story doesn’t make the hairs stand up on the back on your neck, nothing will.

The Leicester darter, the Dreaded, was friend of the Finisher some seven years prior to the meeting between the Finisher and the Bull. The Finisher moved to London and thought that he would never see the Dreaded again, until the day he bumped into him at the Bull’s wedding in Ireland. The Dreaded, it turns out, was the Bull’s new wife’s first boyfriend. This strange coincidence is made yet stranger when the circle is squared, the common denominators in the relationship between the Bull and the Dreaded is the Bull’s wife. The really spooky part is the common denominator between the Finisher and Bull’s wife is that, not only do they share the same friends, without ever knowing it, but they share the same birthday, and that date, for the record, is February 26. TWENTY SIX! Russell Grant would have a bloody field day with this kind of stuff.

(WEIRD SPOOKY FACT Since Dart Club completed its epic year, the Finisher got married, and guess what? His wife's birthday is February 26th!! (and no, he didn't marry Mrs Bull).)

To make matters even more coincidental, it turns out that the Dreaded, and his Leicester cohorts meet regularly and have their very own Dart Club, and they have darts names (of course) and the founder of the Leicester Dart Club is called the Finisher!!

There would have to be a showdown at the oche coral.

Leicester would play London with the losing captain honour-bound to change his darts moniker from the Finisher to the Loser. The date set would have been February 26, but both the Bull and Finisher would be in Brussels that day, but that really is a different story. Instead, the date set would be Saturday January 4th. Leicester would bring down a team and Dart Club would take them on. For dartweek nine though, in preparation, in the Whores and Doom, Dart Club would be split into two teams strictly on a Dart Club Ranking System basis, the Bulls v the Finishers. And here were those teams:

THE BULLS	THE FINISHERS
Bull	Finisher
Clinician	Fist
Black Bomber	Sidewinder
Sting	Mountie
Shaman	Aristocrat
Enigma	Optimist (new)
Prince (new)	Dictator

On paper the teams should have been equal, since they were organised according to the Dart Club Ranking System. However, at the risk of being chauvinistical and mysogonisicalacious, darts is a man’s game. And the Finisher’s team contained two more dartettes than the Bull’s team – it did contain the number one dartette, the Sidewinder, who stood head and shoulders above the Enigma on the Bull’s team. However, the two additional ladies on the Finisher’s team, the Dictator and the Optimist, were so far unproven at the oche. (The Dictator had attended Dart Club in the past but had yet to throw in open competition.)

The format for the evening’s entertainment would roughly follow the format that the Finisher and the Clinician learnt on the night they both joined the Doyle’s Bar darts team, which was two fours play 701, four pairs play 601, eight singles matches of 501 and an all in 1001. However, Dart Club was only 14 strong in the Whores and Doom, so it would have to be re-jigged slightly. The teams would be carefully seeded to ensure a fair balance. The first 701 match of the evening saw the following line-ups.

THE BULLS	THE FINISHERS
Bull	Finisher
Black Bomber	Sidewinder
Shaman	Aristocrat
Prince	Dictator

Organising Dart Club into two teams was like trying to herd cats, and the games room at the Whores and Doom is not the roomiest of places. The oche is up against one sidewall and the darters must stand with their back practically touching the back wall, and the table footy takes up all the other room. But eventually the first game of the big match got underway. It was generally a poor game, and went to penalties in the end, the Bulls were victorious.

THE BULLS I	THE FINISHERS 0
Clinician	Fist
Sting	Mountie
Enigma	Optimist

With less players playing in the second game you would have thought that the higher calibre players would have greater opportunity to influence the overall outcome. However, they didn’t and the second game of the night was as equally shite as the first. But once again the Bulls were victorious.

THE BULLS II	THE FINISHERS 0
Bull	Finisher
Prince	Dictator

The first doubles game of the match starred the two team captains, and at two-nil down, the Finisher could really do with winning the game. However, he didn’t. Just when it looked like the game was going to penalties and with the last dart throw of the game, the Bull finished the Finisher’s finishing hopes and took the tie.

THE BULLS III	THE FINISHERS 0
Clinician	Fist
Enigma	Optimist

At three nil down it was starting to look like a bit of a whitewash. Luckily for the Finisher, his team contained a fairly strong middle order, the Fist is a rising star of Dart Club, although behind the Clinician in Dart Club Rankings terms, he was catching up fast. And he was just about to get a bit faster. He and the Optimist prevailed. Leaving their opponents on the staggeringly high total of 245. The Finishers were back in it.

THE BULLS III	THE FINISHERS I
Black Bomber	Sidewinder
Shaman	Aristocrat

And they were about to get more into it too, as the Sidewinder and Aristocrat beat the Bomber and Shaman. And then to draw the match so far the Mountie overcame the Sting, picking up two pub scores and checking out on 56, with the Sting still on 132. The match was about to go into the singles phase (for the pedants out there, the Mountie v Sting match was a singles match, but was played as part of the doubles section due to lack of numbers).

The Bulls III The Finishers III

With seven individual games of 501 ahead and a potential, nail biting decider of 1001, the scores were dead level and both teams had everything to play for. The Bulls drew first blood as the Bull beat his opposite number, the Finisher. The Fist then pulled things level, beating the Clinician easily.

The Bulls IV The Finishers IV

The Bulls then established a lead that looked somewhat unassailable. First up the Black Bomber beat the Sidewinder. Then the Sting got his revenge over the Mountie, beating him with a double four. The Aristocrat got one back for the Finishers beating the Shaman, but that still left the Bulls one game ahead going into the penultimate game. A game, which, on paper, looked a formality.

The Bulls VI The Finishers V

The Prince, a new but proven darter (who owns his own dartboard, he bragged) was to take on the Optimist, a dartette, who largely due to consuming an entire bottle of white wine, did not exactly fill the Finisher’s heart with optimism.

And indeed when the game got under way, it looked as though the Bulls’ single point lead would be doubled rendering the final game of 1001 a formality. After 21 darts the Prince required 78, while the Optimist was on 204.

The Optimist at the oche looking shaky

However, after a further 21 darts, the Prince required three – the darters nightmare. The Optimist finished on double nine and took the game, sending the team match into 1001 sudden death, and sending the crowd wild.

Ever the Optimist! The Bull and Black Bomber are gracious in defeat (or patronising, you decide)

Each player of each team would now take it in turns at the oche in a giant game of 1001. The Bulls, although obviously downhearted at not taking the game already, scorched into an early lead, after 45 darts they were 82 points clear on 343. After a further 24 darts the Bulls were on the exceptionally easy finish of double three, while the Finishers were on a whoppingly painful 137. It was surely a formality now.

The Sting bust out, the Aristocrat tabled 38.
The Prince bust out, the Optimist scored 35.
The Clinician bust out, the Finisher notched 41.
The Black Bomber bust out, the Aristocrat registered eight.
The Prince scored a two, and the Finisher finished the only game he’d finished all night to take the match with double four.

Proving Lenny Kravitz prophetic eighth rule of Dart Club to be true.

The eighth rule of Dart Club is: It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.

The Bull was incandescent with rage. But handed out the winners’ medals in good grace, despite severe provocation from the Finisher. The Sting, however, tore his medal from his neck and threw it to the floor in disgust.

Some of life's losers	Some of life's winners

There had been a lot of sexy darts on display and that had a dramatic impact on the Dart Club Ranking Top Ten. Despite throwing the winning dart of the match, the Finisher was pretty poor all night, but still remained at the top of the chart, and looked a fair bet to make the first team against Leicester. And despite not making it Danny Boy held onto his second place spot in the rankings, although the Bull closed the gap dramatically, earning 52 Dart Club Ranking System points. The Fist leap-frogged the Clinician into fourth spot, earning an impressive 69 rude sounding Dart Club Ranking System points, compared to the Clinician’s 24.

The Fist really was starting to look like a potential Dart Club champion. The Finisher would have to start to look into ways of hindering his meteoric rise to the top.

The Black Bomber earned more Dart Club Ranking System points than any other darter on the night, with 70 points, however, he stayed put in sixth spot. Neither the Dude nor the Specialist could attend, but did not move down the table, however, the Sting’s 24 points pushed him from 14th to ninth, another week like that and he’d be in first team for the Leicester match. Any more no shows and the Darkness would be out of the top ten.

It made the top ten look a little exactly like this:

1 (1)	Finisher	352 (317)
2 (2)	Danny Boy	222 (222)
3 (3)	Bull	207 (155)
4 (5)	Fist	179 (110)
5 (4)	Clinician	176 (152)
6 (6)	Black Bomber	160 (90)
7 (7)	Dude	86 (86)
8 (8)	Specialist	81 (81)
9 (14)	Sting	71 (47)
10 (10)	Darkness	70 (70)

Darts is very much man against board. But as was proved by the Optimist’s fine efforts that sent the match at the Whores & Doom into sudden death, darts can also be very much a team game.

Indeed, the Dart Club Ranking System’s policy of rewarding both team members any Merit Points earned for sexy darts during a game of doubles goes someway to prove this. And in games of triplets or quads or above, the same rules apply.

In the last chapter, Dart Club Ranking System points were put to one side to consider simple 301 win ratios and the Dude came out on top edging out the Fist of all people. But in light of tonight’s team affair, who is the best team player?

The table below shows:

		Doubles win ratio	DCRS points	DC Ranking	Singles win ratio	Singles ranking
1	Black Bomber	76.9%	160	6th	61.5%	4th
2	Fist	72.7%	179	4th	69.2%	2nd
3	Dude	71.4%	86	7th	75%	1st
4	Clinician	66.7%	176	5th	58.3%	5th
5	Specialist	50%	81	8th	21.4%	10th
5	Sting	50%	71	9th	36.3%	8th
7	Finisher	38.5%	352	1st	63%	3rd
7	Danny Boy	38.5%	222	2nd	56%	6th
7	Bull	38.5%	207	3rd	42.3%	7th
10	Darkness	14.3%	70	10th	33.3%	9th

There it is in black and white. The Black Bomber is thus far the most successful team player at Dart Club, with a mightily impressive win ratio of 76.9%, and with a singles 301 win ratio of 61.5% he stands fourth, so his current Dart Club Ranking of sixth place is somewhat misleading. Clearly his lack of sexy darts points is hampering his overall rating.

The rising star of Dart Club, the Fist, is a darters second best bet if they want to earn merit points by teaming up with him, as his win ratio of 72.7% puts him in second place. With this in mind, it should come as no surprise that when the Fist and the Black Bomber were partnered up at Ye Olde Watling (Bow Lane) for dartweek seven, they walked away with the grand prize.

The Dude, whose 75% singles win ratio places him as the number one lone gun, and his doubles win ratio is not far behind, a first class 71.4%, means that he is third in the doubles chart, but the only darter at Dart Club with 70%+ win ratio for both singles and doubles. With a more impressive attendance, this darter will surely rise from his lowly seventh Dart Club Ranking placement.

The Clinician, one of the most consistent darters at Dart Club, has achieved mid-table mediocrity on all counts, with a doubles win ratio of 66.7% he is fourth in the doubles chart, with a singles win ratio of 58.3% he is fifth in the singles chart and with 176 Dart Club Ranking System points he is fifth in the Dart Club Rankings. Steady Eddie.

Places eighth and ninth in the Dart Club Ranking System top ten, the Specialist and the Sting offer a 50:50 chance in doubles, however, if you want to be partnered with either you’d probably want to play with the Sting, despite their respective Dart Club Rank, because the Specialist has a singles win ratio of 21.4% and so is tenth out of ten, while the Sting is eighth with 36%.

One of the more startling revelations that resulted from working the doubles win ratios of the top ten darters was that the top three darters according to the Dart Club Ranking System, the Finisher, Danny Boy and the Bull, all have exactly the same doubles win ratio of 38.5%, which places them all equal seventh. Which just goes to show, they are clearly selfish bastards at the oche.

And finally, a word about the Darkness, with five out of nine Dart Clubs attended he finds himself, for the first time, in danger of slipping out of the Dart Club top ten. Ever since that first fateful Dart Club night at the One Tun (Goodge Street), at which he banished the Light, he has remained a Dart Club favourite, and with only one more Dart Club before the big match versus Leicester Dart Club it looked like he would lose his place in the team. And since he stood tenth in the doubles chart and ninth in the singles chart, it is probably just as fucking well.

H is for Happy Birthday (to the Fist)

After Danny Boy had the temerity to book the boozer for the City Gents Dart Club at Ye Olde Watling, Dart Club’s co-chairmen the Bull and the Finisher decided that they had better get a grip and arrange dartweek number eight.

On the advice of leading dartette the Sidewinder, and without guidance from the Finisher, the Bull booked a nice little pub, which shows Sky sports, has a massive Spanish style table footy and, of course, a dartboard. The pub stands on a corner towards the end of St John Street in Clerkenwell, nearest tube is Farringdon, which is on the Circle Line.

NO SPINNING!!!!!!!

So far, so good.

HOWEVER, when viewed on an A-Z street atlas, it clearly shows that the pub in question is actually outside the confines of the yellow one folks. Outside the Circle Line is like scoring a 25 when you’re stuck on 50 needing a finish. It’s just not good enough. Close, but no cigar.

JESUS, what next? Where would this all end? We might as well not have rules.

Darts is all about rules, there are black areas, white areas, red areas and green areas – what there aren’t are grey areas.

There is no place for anarchy in darts.

After the Mountie’s outburst at Ye Olde Watling last dartweek, you would have thought that the Bull, of all people, would have understood the importance of rules, the Finisher was incandescent with rage. How could the Bull be so ridiculous? Why did he listen to a bird?

He had listened to a bird because he is open-minded and that is what Dart Club is all about.

Sure the pub broke one of the most important rules of Dart Club, but is was within easy walking distance of a Circle Line tube station. Just come out of Farringdon, turn left (walking away from the Circle Line…), up Cow Cross Road, you’ll come to St John Street shortly, turn left walk up the slight incline, cross Clerkenwell Road and it is just up there on the right, you recognise it because it is called the Bull.

A-ha! – rumbled. The Bull booked the Bull, well, he’d better hope that there isn’t a pub somewhere outside the Circle Line called the Finisher.

The Bull it turns out is a shabby looking hole, and the pub isn’t much better. BOOM, BOOM!

Thankfully, the bar staff are 0% Australian and double thankfully they are 0% incompetent Spanish bird. They are friendly, helpful and efficient, if a bit studenty.

Friendly, helpful and efficient - if a bit studenty

However, you’ll be disappointed if you make the effort to get there, because the Bull was due to close down for a refurb after DC attended. It's now a gasto pub called the Queen Boadicea and there's no dart board. Which kind of makes this chapter redundant. But as it was outside the Circle Line anyway, it doesn’t really matter.

Even if the pub had Kelly Brook and Cameron Diaz behind the bar serving free beer, with Guns’n’Roses on the juke box, a pristine, spot-lit dartboard and was open for all eternity, and that includes after 23:00doors – it would all be for nothing. Rules is rules. So far the rule that states the pub must be inside the Circle Line has not been formalised, so just for the record:

The seventh rule of Dart Club is, the pub must be inside the Circle Line.

However, despite the fact that the Bull is outside the Circle Line, Dart Club had attracted the usual suspects, including rising star of Dart Club, the Fist, who after only two previous visits had amassed 94 Dart Club Ranking System points and stood at a dizzying fifth place. And for that we are to be eternally grateful, not just because he is an excellent dartist, but also because it was the night of his 30th birthday, something of a milestone in birthday terms. And what better way is there to celebrate such a fine achievement than attending Dart Club?

Well, if the pub was within the Circle Line, maybe that would have been better, but there you go. It was just as well the Fist had turned up too, because it was his ingenious use of his ‘hands free’ mobile phone gadetry that was used to rig up a light to light up the dartboard.

So to honour the Fist it was declared that should a Dart Clubber score a 30 whilst in open play, he would have to buy himself and the Fist a sambuca, the Fist was reluctant to comply since his missus had booked a ridiculously early flight the next day as a special birthday surprise, but peer group pressure won him over in the end.

Early flight? Pah! I'll stay up all night

The game to be played at the Bull, was the appropriately enough named Bulley’s Special Prize. Based loosely on the 1980s TV quiz masterpiece hosted by disgraced racialstical comedian Jim Bowen, this darts competition will sort the bulls from the bullocks.

NOTE: the following text is taken from the Lancashire Evening Telegraph and is not super, smashing nor great.

Jim Bowen retires after on-air comments to black woman

Jim Bowen has retired from showbusiness after making a racially offensive comment to a black woman on live radio.
According to the Lancashire Evening Telegraph, Mr Bowen used the term "nig-nog" during his BBC radio show The Happy Daft Farm.
The former Bullseye host told the Evening Telegraph he had decided to quit because the management didn't deserve "any further difficulties".
A BBC spokesman told Ananova: "During Jim Bowen's programme on BBC Radio Lancashire he used unacceptable and racially offensive language.
"Later in the show he issued a frank apology for his earlier comments.
"Jim was called to a formal meeting by managers who sought reassurances from him that there would be no repetition of such language. Subsequently, however, Jim tendered his resignation and this has been accepted."
Mr Bowen told the paper: "No racial connotation was ever intended and, having said all that, I should have been sharp enough to correct the error.
"I almost immediately apologised for it as it was, to say the least, not clever. The expression I used would identify with the youngsters who were last to be picked in a football team or perhaps weren't the sharpest knife in the box.
"I was 65 in August and perhaps this was nature's way of telling me that I was not up to speed with modern connotations to survive in the current broadcasting climate."
When asked if he would be retiring after the incident, he told the Evening Telegraph: "Yes, although in this business you don't actually retire."
Story filed: 15:35 Monday 7th October 2002

Anyway, Bulley’s Special Prize was not in honour of Jim Bowen who is clearly struggling to come to terms with acceptable behaviour, it was in honour of darts, quizzes and of course, the Fist.

It had been three months since the First Dart Club at which there was a quiz. Dart Club came fourth but darts was the winner that night. At the Bull everybody would be a winner, and not just the darts.

There is no right or wrong way to play Bulley’s Special Prize, it is not a recognised darts game, but if you have no imagination you could copy the way Dart Club played. Dart Club was separated randomly into four teams of three – Dart Clubbers contributed £2 each for the glittering prize, as yet unveiled.

The Bull and Finisher would be the quiz masters, thus breaking with another Dart Club tradition, in that they are usually the only Dart Clubbers who play the new game.

Each team answered questions taken from 1980s domestic quiz board game favourite Trivial Pursuit.

1, 18, 4 = G for geography
13, 6, 10 = E for entertainment
15, 2, 17 = H for history
19, 7, 16 = AL for art and literature
8, 11, 14 = SN for science and nature
9, 12, 5 = SL for sports and leisure

NOTE: the 20 and 3 segments were void.

Each team took it in turns to throw a single dart at the board answering a question according to where in the board they threw the dart. When the team answered the question correctly, it received three darts to throw at the board, the points scored became that team’s running total.

After each team member had had two attentions at the oche, the two teams with the highest running total progressed to the semi-final play-off. In the semi-final play-off the teams got the opportunity to win selected prizes, ten in all.

Starting with the team who scored the highest running total during the opening round, players aimed for white segments, which revealed mystery prizes. Stay out of the black and in the white – you get nothing for this game if you are a bit shite.

A team at a time, with three darts per team, players needed to land their darts in the white segments. Each white segment carried a prize as was mentioned previously. However, the team only won the prize when they answered a Triv question correctly. The question in question that was asked was determined by the throw of a dart (according to the table above) – one question per white segment landed dart.

The team that won the most prizes in the semi-final play-off then got the opportunity to gamble its winnings for the chance to win Bulley’s Special Prize.

The gamble is this: Only one member of the winning team gets to keep the big prize. And all the smaller prizes are then played-off for by the six dartists who didn’t get through to the semi-final play-off. Each player in the team threw one dart at the bull’s-eye, thus determining the order of play. Then according to the order of play each player took three darts to hit the 25/bull’s-eye section. The first player to hit the target scooped the glittering prize.

Here were the teams:

Team A	Team B	Team C	Team D
Darkness	Sting	Feather	Danny Boy
Dude	Aristocrat	Mountie	Mincer (new)
Fist	Shaman	Boot (new)	Clinician

May the quiz commence:

The Bull gets quizzical

Team A – the Darkness scored a four – Geography

Team A, which Arctic city boasts the world’s largest navel base?

(Bloody hell, it’s a bit more tricky than the questions on Bullseye the TV show)

Answer, Vladivostok – incorrect, the Arctic city that boasts the world’s largest navel base is Murmansk.

Team B – the Sting scored an 11 – Science & Nature

Team B, what letter usually appears between 340 and 20 on a compass graduated in 20 degrees?

Answer, N – the correct answer. The Sting then registered 31 points for his team.

Team C – the Feather was taking a dump, so in his stead stood the Mountie, who scored 12 – Sport & Leisure

Team C, which year saw all four home countries reach the finals of the soccer World Cup?

Answer, 1982 – incorrect, the answer on the card is 35.

Team D – Danny Boy scored a two – History

Team D, which Labour MP once called tiny Colin Moynihan “the Miniature of Sport”?

Answer, Tony Banks – incorrect, it was in fact Dennis Skinner.

After one round only Team B had registered a point. Round two wasn’t much better, Team D knew that it was Stalin who was quoted as saying “a single death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic”, with their three darts they scored 42 points and went into the lead. Another highlight of the round was when Team B successfully talked itself out of the fact that it is the Jockey Club that runs British horse racing, opting instead for something that one of them made up.

By the time round three happened Dart Club was getting frustrated, the questions were turning out to be quite difficult. Thankfully, round three was slightly easier, to say the least. Team A knew that CCTV stood for Closed Circuit Television and registered 45 points, and Team B knew that it was Hercules whose first labour it was to kill the Namean Lion, they registered 54 points taking their running total to 85. Team D can feel a little hard done by, when they gave their final answer of 49km as the length of the Channel Tunnel, the Clinician shouted “isn’t it 50?” just as the Bull revealed that is was 50, but he stood firm and accepted the team’s original answer.

After 12 gruelling questions, Team B was in the lead with 54 points, Team A was second with 45 points and Team D had 42. After another 12 questions Team B had racked up 168 points, so proved themselves to be the brainboxes of Dart Club, Team D were runners-up with 136 points. Team C got only one question right but threw well so came third with 60 and the woodenspoonlists were Team A, who were not only dim-witted, but also bad a darts, scoring a meagre 45 points – perhaps all of his birthday sambucas were effecting the Fist. Teams B and D would progress to the semi-final play-off.

The prizes were announced.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne five – let me entertain you, while you’re on the move with this miniature Sony portable radio. This prize was won by the Aristocrat for Team B.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne six – for all you budding deejays out there, this expansive eclectic mix of records really is murder on the dance floor. This prize was won by the Mincer for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne one – improve your home library and general knowledge with this collection of niche reference texts. This prize was won by Danny Boy for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne four – never lose keys individually again, with this fine Eontec sponsored key-fob you can go out on the lash and get locked out of your home and your car. This prize was won by the Mincer for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne seventeen – impress the chicks at your local discotheque with spiky, glow in the dark hair gel stuff. This prize was won by the Shamon for Team B.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne sixteen – never get dazzled again, with these cool Ali G style sunglasses. This prize was won by the Clinician for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne fifteen – be the envy of the San Siro with this redundant Ronaldo Inter scarf. This prize was won by the Clinician for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne Nineteen – Never be late for Dart Club again with this early eighties retro Casio digital wristwatch. This prize was won by the Mincer for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne Eleven – The owner of these CDs (the Clinician) might want them back, but he hasn’t been bothered enough to pick them up from the Finisher’s flat for the past 18 months, so he can stuff off. This prize was won by Danny Boy for Team D

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne Nine – If you’ve got no hair, this prize is guaranteed to keep your bald pate warm. It’s a travel hairdryer. This prize was won by the Sting for Team B.

The Clinician is in da house

Team D had scooped seven of the available prizes and elected to gamble their booty for a chance to win Bulley’s Special Prize. All three darters threw one dart to determine who would throw first. Newcomer the Mincer was closest, followed by the Clinician and finally Danny Boy. The Mincer was first up to the oche. Who would hit 25/bull’s-eye first?

They’d come a long way, they’d had a good day and they’d decided to gamble it all for the big one. Only one of them would be walking away happy and it was, in fact, the Mincer, whose third dart landed in the 25. The Bull then handed over a brand new dartboard to the Mincer, he was well chuffed, but a bit gutted that it wasn’t a speedboat.

The Mincer wanted a speedboat really

However, no one goes home empty handed, the two unlucky finalists received brand new, top of the range darts sharpeners.

All that remained was for the Finisher to win the resurrected 501 challenge, scooping £50.

Sparrow's kneecaps

Interestingly, the Mincer elected not to enter the 501 challenge, obviously keen to keep his fiver entry fee to himself, which is not what Dart Club is all about. Only one person went home from the Bull empty handed that night, ironically enough, it was the Bull.

However, he can take some consolation from the fact that he notched a 120 during a game of 301 after the 501 challenge, thus earning enough Dart Club Ranking System points to leap frog the Clinician into third spot overall. And that indeed was the only positional change in the Dart Club top ten, which now looks like this:

1 (1)	Finisher	317 (300)
2 (2)	Danny Boy	222 (186)
3 (4)	Bull	155 (152)
4 (3)	Clinician	152 (124)
5 (5)	Fist	110 (94)
6 (6)	Black Bomber	90 (90)
7 (7)	Dude	86 (86)
8 (8)	Specialist	81 (81)
9 (9)	Darkness	70 (65)
10 (10)	Wrist	58 (38)
10	Hammer	58 (58)

Dartweek eight represented the first occasion when there were no new entries into the top ten according to the Dart Club Ranking System, in fact there was very little movement at all, the market, is seemed, was starting to mature. Eight games down and 18 to go, over one quarter of the way there. The graph below shows Dart Club Ranking System points going back five weeks, when the Dart Club Ranking System was first introduced at the Bricklayer’s Arms (Gresse Street).

Meaningless chart shows pointless stuff

The Finisher remains head and shoulders above the competition, this is entirely down to his seven 100s, three 120s and one 140 – sexy darts indeed. He has also registered 11 Pub Scores, three more than his nearest rival Danny Boy.

Danny Boy’s graph shows that he is catching the Finisher, his position owes a good deal to his three 100s and one 120, he is also the third most prolific darter having competed in no less than 50 games so far (compared with the Finisher’s 53 games).

The Bull, who moved into the top three for the first time has competed in 51 different games, but it took until the night at the Bull before he registered any sexy darts, his 120 being enough to usurp the Clinician.

The Clinician can take solace in the fact the he has attended two less Dart Clubs than the Bull and has a much higher 301 win ratio. Not has high as fifth placed the Fist or seventh placed the Dude, who with a 75% win ratio would be the top ten chart topper.

Indeed the table below shows what the Dart Club top ten would look like if the Dart Club Ranking System revolved by 301 win ratios alone. Interestingly* the Darkness is the only dartist whose official Dart Club ranking matches his 301 wins ratio...

1	Dude	75%
2	Fist	73%
3	Wrist	72%
4	Finisher	68%
5	Clinician	65%
6	Danny Boy	56%
7	Black Bomber	36%
8	Bull	35%
9	Darkness	33%
10	Specialist	21%

The Hammer has been excluded from this table, despite making the Dart Club Ranking System top ten, he has a 301 win ratio of 0%, and is only in the top ten because his partner, the Dude, scored a very sexy 140 in a game of doubles at Ye Olde Watling two weeks before.

The Dart Clubber with the best 301 win ratio on the night (and darts is very much on the night) was the Mincer, with his played one, won one record he remained unbeaten at the oche, and so a deserved winner of Bulley’s Special Prize.

*yes, I know it's not actually interesting.