After six Dart Club meetings, 38 darters had attended, throwing somewhere in the region of 17,000 darts, plenty of new ideas had been thrown into the Dart Club hat too.
But essentially its driving forces, the Bull and the Finisher had organised practically everything so far. They’d emailed their mates, they’d found some pubs near where they worked that had a dartboard, they’d come up with some darts games. It may sound like a couple of mates organising a night out, but you’d be surprised at how many passengers there are in life.
Some people go through life thinking things just happen, well in some instances things do just happen, but if you want to control your destiny the best thing to do is organise things yourself.
This philosophy had worked so far for the Bull and the Finisher. But things were about to change. They were no longer entirely in control of the Dart Club destiny. Danny Boy, Dart Club Ranking System’s number two booked the boozer for the seventh Dart Club.
Jesus. And, he and his mates formed Son of Dart Club. Did Dart Club have a splitter? A turncoat? A cheater? No, of course not, Danny Boy was simply exerting his right to control his destiny. If only a few more people would do this, the world would be a more interesting place.
Danny Boy works in the City. Once again for the benefit of anybody who resides in the provinces, the City, is the heart of the financial district of the city of London. AKA, the Square Mile.
This relatively small patch of earth creates one third of the entire GDP of the UK, that means if the Square Mile was three square miles big is would be able to be its own country, and a wealthier one than the one its in at the moment. We’re talking BIG money.
Dart Club’s Danny Boy is a City gent. Again for the benefit of all you hapless northerners out there, who still think talking to strangers is acceptable social etiquette, the sort of people out there who shudder at the thought of paying £5 for a beer, the sort of people who say “ooh, I ‘ate London me” in a quirky accent, despite the fact that you’ve never actually been, a City gent is a bowler hat wearing, pin-stripped suit wearing, Financial Times carrying, red braces wearing, cane handled umbrella walking with, Italian brogue footweared, walking cliché.
The city gent works in a bank and lives in Surrey. He earns the kind of money that means he doesn’t flinch when the Aussie behind the bar asks him for £5 in return for the watered down lager.
It was decided that attendees should try and blend into their surroundings for the first City-based Dart Club, and a glittering prize would be awarded for the Dart Clubber who most resembled a City Gent.
Danny Boy had booked a boozer in the City, but it was still within the Circle Line, he knew the rules, he was one of only four people who had now attended all six Dart Clubs so far.
Danny Boy had booked what he called the Watling Arms, which he described as being on Watling Street, at the bottom of Bow Lane, nearest tube is Mansion House.
However, the Finisher is a tenacious truth seeker, he doesn’t like having his destiny sorted out too much, and doesn’t trust anyone at all. And it’s just as well really, on Friday, after work he decided to go down and check out the Watling Arms, only to discover that it doesn’t exist.
On coming out of exit four at Mansion House tube, the Finisher sourced an ATM just round the corner to the right is an HSBC, he then walked up Bow Lane, came to Watling Street – no sign of the Watling Arms (it doesn’t exist, but the Finisher didn’t know that yet).
The Finisher had faith in Danny Boy, however, he realised that the City gent in question had booked somewhere that does exist, so set about trying to find the booked boozer.
Cutting a long story short, Danny Boy had actually booked Ye Olde Watling. NOT the Watling Arms. They’ve both got Watling in the name, but that’s where the similarity ends. Since one exists and the other doesn’t.
What’s more (or should that be Watling’s more?) Ye Olde Watling sits on the CORNER of Bow Lane and Watling Street, not in fact at the bottom of Bow Lane.
The Finisher had arranged to meet the Clinician there at 18:00doors, the Clinician is also a City gent, so would have a ten minute walk to make, which means that the Finisher was pretty pissed off when he strolled in half an hour late.
It seems that the City gents are a little slap dash when it comes to the important details in life, like pub names and addresses, and punctuality. Fuck knows how they all make so much money.
Thankfully, Ye Olde Watling is 0% Australian bar-staffed. Unthankfully, it is 100% incompetent Spanish bird bar-staffed. And to make matters worse, they’re a bit ropey on the eye.
Now Spanish girls are usually very pretty (until they get old and fat) but not the ones in the Ye Olde Watling, who can’t pour a pint or remember simple orders.
Ye Olde Watling serves XXXX, Uri (Geller, Stella, geddit?) and a wide selection of hand pulled beers that you would do well to avoid, since the bar staff are so useless. There is a restaurant upstairs too, which no doubt serves honest fare. But most importantly there is a back room that features a fruity, a red baize pool table and, of course, a dartboard – which is not of the highest quality but serviceable nevertheless.
The Finisher and Clinician set about putting in some much needed practise at the oche. They also set about reminiscing the previous evening’s entertainment. Which sounds a bit seedy, but was in no way seedy.
The previous night, the Finisher and the Clinician had gone to their local boozer in Camberwell, Doyle’s Bar at the end of Shenley Road. It’s well outside the Circle Line, but deserves a mention, mainly because it is one of the best pubs in the world, with the friendliest bar staff. And, quite coincidentally, Vernon Kay (off Family Fortunes)'s favourite bar.
Doyle’s bar has a public bar with a pool table and Sky sports, and it has a backroom with a big projector screen for footy and a spot-lit dartboard in pristine condition.
The Finisher and the Clinician were having a few friendly games, then in walked Bob – captain of Doyle’s Bar darts team. The Finisher and Clinician had spent a very enjoyable Sunday in the company of Bob and Doyle’s Bar darts team a few weeks previously but thought nothing more of it. Now here they were in Doyle’s and in walks Bob, Thursday, it turns out, is darts night at Doyle’s. The team were hosting a league tie versus Peckham Rye’s the Ivy House and they were missing certain squad members.
They quickly acquired two new squad members. The Finisher and Clinician were signed up, although both decided to drop their darts monikers for the evening, it seemed a bit silly and somehow disrespectful.
They also decided to break the first rule of Dart Club and not talk about Dart Club, for now, that would come later.
The Finisher realised that he had stumbled across a potential core readership. Darts is bigger than you’d think. There are ten teams in each of the two divisions of the Southwark and Dulwich Darts League, each team has eight players, but have squads of up to 15, that’s 300 darters.
If every one of the 31 London boroughs has about the same numbers, that would be 9300 potential regular darters, who would almost all buy a book called Dart Club (probably), which if it retailed at about a tenner would be £93,000. Not bad. And that doesn’t include all the casual and potential darters, you could probably double that figure. Phew, that’d be nearly 200grand (maybe it’d be worth charging £12.99).
By 21:00doors Doyle’s was rammed with some serious darters. How would it work, both teams were written down on a blackboard, Bob explained the format would be two fours, four pairs, eight singles and all-in 1001, which means 15 games, so the first to eight wins. Which made absolutely no sense whatsoever at the time, but everyone else seemed to understand and instinctively know when it was their turn. Still, the Finisher and Clinician only had academic experience to fall back on, whereas everyone else had definitely been to one of the best Universities of Life in the country.
The Clinician and Finisher were pretty seasoned darters, in Dart Club circles, but compared to the Doyle’s team they were complete novices. Bob and the gang had been playing darts together in south London for the past 30 years, week in, week out they represent Doyle’s in the Premier Division of the Southwark and Dulwich Dart League. And it showed. The Finisher and Clinician acquitted themselves fairly well, although neither won their games both did come close to a finish.
In fact Doyle’s had a fairly torrid time at the hands of the Ivy House, winning just four of the 15 games in total. Bob had expected the Ivy House to be good, it turned out that Doyle’s field a stronger team in the Wednesday league, they even win trophies, not surprisingly the Finisher and Clinician weren’t asked to join the Wednesday league.
Still, Thursday was good enough, the team usually ended up mid-table and mediocrity is often best, if you’re good you get disappointed when you don’t win and if you’re shite, well you’re shite and no one likes being shite. It would be difficult to make every Thursday, but one they would definitely make was the match against the Prince Albert, which is on Bellenden Road – I kid you not, someone somewhere has a great sense of humour.
The pressure at the oche was immense, unlike at Dart Club where standers-by are a fairly rowdy crowd, placing side bets and heckling in a drunken fashion, in the Southwark and Dulwich Darts League, team members and fans are expected to remain absolutely silent whilst play is in progress.
The only people allowed to speak are the players and the caller. In fact, if truth be told the players should keep vocalisations to a minimum too. The pulse rate quickens, the darter become completely focused, Phil the Power Taylor is right, darts is 90% in the head. And on the big stage few people really play their best darts. Anyone can score sexy darts in practise or in friendly matches with their mates, in real competition it’s a bit different.
Back in Ye Olde Watling, the seventh Dart Club game to be played was based on bowls. Crown green bowls in fact. You might not be old enough to wear a flat cap and smoke a pipe without feeling like a spanker. But that won’t stop you playing this game.
This is a game for two players ideally, but you’ll need seven darts. Each player takes three darts and the spare acts as a jack (or target). If you haven’t got a jack dart, you should use the bull’s-eye as the target. Each player takes it in turns to get as near to the jack as possible throwing one dart at a time.
You score one point if your dart is closer. You score two points if you have two closer darts. And guess what? You score three points if all three of your darts are closer. An alternative scoring method is taking the points total of the bed that the nearer dart(s) falls in, that way you can get bigger scores and it also opens it up to being a bit more random, which seems to make gambling more fun. The combination of skill plus a certain amount of uncertainty is a sure-fire winner. Players should pick an arbitrary number of points per game and then say first to three games wins or something.
Breaking with tradition the first dart of a Dart Club night would not be thrown by either of the chairmen. It was, in fact, thrown by leading dartette the Sidewinder. Who was given the honour of throwing the jack dart.
The Bull and the Finisher decided to use the higher scoring method of scoring points according to the bed the nearer dart lands in, rather than the traditional bowls lower scoring method, they also decided that the first to reach 26 would be the winner. What with 26 being a pub score and 26 projected Dart Clubs during the year, it seemed somehow appropriate.
The Sidewinder threw the jack dart quite close to the bull’s-eye, landing in the 17. After three darts apiece the Finisher had one dart closer to the jack and in the 15 segment.
The Sidewinder started the second round throwing the jack into the five bed, in the outer circle, quite close to the double-circle. This was playing right into the hands of the Finisher, who’s height advantage meant that hitting the higher reaches of the darts board was a simpler task.
Cutting a long story short, out of three darts apiece, two of the Finisher’s were closer to the jack, one in the five and one in the 20, he had easily exceeded 26 and won the one and only game of darts bowls played that night. And in another first for Dart Club this would be the first time the Finisher had beaten the Bull in the opening novelty game.
At the Archery Tavern, it was suggested that the Bull would be like Sir Walter Raleigh because he sunk the Finisher’s armada at battleships, but Sir Walter was indeed more of a bowls man, so maybe the Bull should be Horatio Nelson and the Finisher should be Wally.
Dart Clubbers were starting to arrive in droves. Dart Club was a victim of its own success at the Angel the previous outing, with record numbers attending. However, the press release had garnered very little interest from the nationals.
The Bull and Finisher decided that in order to get plenty of games, lots should be drawn and a doubles competition would be played, with each tie consisting of a best of three match, for the maff simpletons out there, that means the first to win two games takes the match. The competition would cater for 16 darters in all, with the opening round looking like this:
Finisher & Sidewinder v Bomber & Fist
Feather & Mountie v Shaman & Wrist
Danny Boy & Bull v Sting & Tongue
Hammer & Dude v Growler & Bubble
The first tie of the round saw the Finisher and Sidewinder take on the Black Bomber and the Fist. With a substantially higher Dart Club ranking the Torvill and Dean of Dart Club looked fairly strong. The Sidewinder’s jack throwing had proved lucky for the Finisher in bowls, maybe lady luck would be on their side in the doubles.
The first leg was a close run affair, with both pairings on a finish after 21 darts, the Black Bomber and Fist came through first. In the second leg the Black Bomber and Fist sealed victory after 21 darts, with the opposing numbers requiring 127 – a white wash.
The next tie saw the Feather and Mountie take on the Wrist and the Shaman, the Wrist was a proven darter, but the Shaman was an unknown quantity. The proven darters took the first leg, while the Wrist and Shaman were victorious in the second leg. The third and final leg went to penalties and ended in controversy when the Shaman threw his dart and it landed in the 25 section of the bull’s-eye. The Mountie was incensed by the ruling that meant the Shaman and Wrist won the tie automatically, without giving him the opportunity to go for the bull’s-eye, proper.
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| The Shaman is a penalty winner |
Some ugly scenes unfolded at Ye Olde Watling, the likes of which had never been encountered. The Mountie called into question the validity of the ruling, accusing the Bull and Finisher of foul play. Using some very colourful language, what our north American cousin had forgotten was that the referee’s decision is final. Something that gets drummed into every schoolboy footballer who question’s the game’s teacher’s ropey off-side decisions.
Obviously, questioning the referee’s decision has become fairly common in English professional football, no doubt due to the influx of foreign stars, who whilst being blessed with silky skills, are infamous cheats and charlatans.
Unfortunately, the aping of TV sport stars has become fairly common in school-yards across the land, but Dart Club had never seen anything like that. The Mountie was in breach of Dart Club etiquette and was fortunate not to receive a ban, and further disciplinary action. However, worse was to follow, when the Mountie released this ill-advised (and poorly written) press release: Which would result in the birth of Dart Club rule number six:
The sixth rule of Dart Club is, do not question the Bull or the Finisher – this is not a democracy.
Dart Fix Scandal
London (Reuters) – Reports are emerging today of an alleged match fixing scandal in last nights Circle Line Dart Club team competition. In the final leg of a three leg competition, new arrival “The Shaman” hit what was obviously a 25 in an attempt to hit the Bull’s Eye. Canadian darts legend “The Mountie” vehemently protested to the CLDC Chairman “The Bull” who stated the rules “could not be changed”. The Bull, who was later seen accepting a brown envelope from a tout, has been linked to former FA Chief Executive Adam Cozier’s position, and may be wanting to leave with an extra golden hand shake for his efforts in bringing the CLDC to eminence through the lucrative tv deal signed earlier with ITV Sports. In a hastily arranged press conference from his log cabin, the Mountie specifically outlined his charge- “the records clearly show that a 25 was awarded for this dart. A 25 does not in any way merit a Bull’s Eye award as it is the 50 that is the actual Bull’s Eye. I would like to commend my competitors for taking every advantage of a dodgy ruling, but the situation exists where the establishment is bloated.” The Bull and his henchman The Finisher were unavailable for comment.
More to follow.
NOW THEN. The Mountie’s sour grapes and libellous comments could well land him in deep water, on a number of counts.
1) The press release is clearly not the work of a Reuters’ journalist, it contains numerous grammatical errors, sloppy punctuation and spelling mistakes, and Reuters would be well placed should it decide to sue the Mountie.
2) The Bull did not accept a brown envelope from anyone at any stage.
3) The Bull has not “been linked to former FA Chief Executive Adam Cozier’s position”. Or indeed former FA chief executive Adam Crozier’s former position.
4) Dart Club has not signed a deal with ITV Sports.
5) The Mountie does not own a log cabin.
6) The Finisher is not the Bull’s “henchman”.
7) A penalties precedent had been set at the Archery Tavern, the fist time that the penalties system was introduced and employed. In a match between the Bubble and the Black Bomber, the Black Bomber progressed to the next round of the Dart Club FA Challenge Cup by scoring a 25. On that occasion, an occasion at which the Mountie was present, the Bubble accepted the ruling in good grace.
With tie two out of the way and the controversial dust settled, the tournament favourites Danny Boy and Bull would take on the Sting and newcomer the Tongue. The favourites needed penalties to beat the underdogs, an onlooker would never have guessed that 246 Dart Club Ranking System points separate the two teams. Obviously, the Mountie’s allegations were playing on the mind of the Bull. He regained his composure in the second leg as he and Danny Boy romped into the semi-final.
The next round saw a return of the Dude, who at the previous meeting had won the bingo, won on the fruity and won the only game of 301 he played with a three dart, double top exit, accruing 20 Dart Club Ranking System points into the bargain – so was clearly one to look out for. He was paired with newcomer the Hammer against, newcomer the Growler and Dart Club ranked number 11, the Bubble.
The Dude and the Hammer took the first leg, with the former scoring a very sexy darts 140 – a Dart Club record for the highest score, shared with the Finisher, and under doubles rulings, the Hammer would be entitled to the Dart Club Ranking System points too. It might seem unfair that both players should benefit form such a high total, why not split the points? Because that would be too complicated in the end, that’s why. Besides as a doubles player, effectively you share responsibility for every dart thrown, irrespective of whether you actually throw the dart. The Bubble and the Growler took the next leg, while the third leg was taken by the Dude and the Hammer. The semi-final looked like this:
Dude & Hammer v Shaman & Wrist
Bomber & Fist v Bull & Danny Boy
Without the chance to come up for air the Dude and the Hammer were straight back on the oche, this obviously worked in their favour, being nicely warmed up they took the first leg of the semi-final. Though, by now the Dude and Hammer had been at the oche for four games, and fatigue was starting to set in, the Shaman and Wrist were looking fresher and after the first leg warm up they went on to take the next two legs coming from behind, the old army way. Once again the Wrist had made it into a final.
The second tie would be a corker. On paper the Bull and Danny Boy would be favourite, but the Fist and Bomber had despatched Dart Club’s Torvill and Dean in the previous round without too much fuss, and the Fist was proving to be the rising star of Dart Club. Both legs went to the wire, but the Fist and Black Bomber proved to be unstoppable, winning both.
Bomber & Fist v Shaman & Wrist
En route to the final the Black Bomber and Fist had not lost a single leg. And although the Shaman and Wrist had made it through to the final, their route had been somewhat simpler. The Shaman and Wrist had been taken to the wire, needing all three legs in their two previous outings. The grand finale did not throw up any surprises, as the Fist and Black Bomber won 2-zip.
If the night had been hosting a snooker ace Ray Reardon look-a-like competition or even more randomly a Dodgy Spanish Barmaid look-a-like competition, then the Black Bomber would have won hands and snooker cues down.
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| The Black Bomber is Ray Reardon | The Black Bomber is also a barmaid |
Dart Clucb though was neither hosting a snooker Ray Reardon look-a-like competition nor a Dodgy Spanish Barmaid look-a-like competition, it was holding a City Gent look-a-like competition. And the winner newcomer the Growler, who had the advantage of actually being a City gent. He was sporting a neat chalk stripe three piece suit, very loud stripy shirt and tie combo with a pair of Italian brogues, so scooped the glittering prize, the board game Stockmarket, for ages 15 to adult.
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| The Growler is the City Gent |
But what had the night’s activities done to the Dart Club Ranking System top ten?
| 1 (1) | Finisher | 300 (287) |
| 2 (2) | Danny Boy | 186 (162) |
| 3 (3) | Clinician | 124 (124) |
| 4 (4) | Bull | 118 (103) |
| 5 (9) | Fist | 94 (41) |
| 6 (7) | Black Bomber | 90 (55) |
| 7 (17) | Dude | 83 (20) |
| 8 (5) | Specialist | 81 (81) |
| 9 (6) | Darkness | 65 (65) |
| 10 (10) | Wrist | 58 (34) |
| 10 | Hammer | 58 |
Well, there was no change at the top four, but the Fist flew up the table, as did the Dude, if they continue their fine form, they could well be challenging the Bull for third spot. The Bomber scored big to move up one spot, knocking the Specialist and Darkness, neither of whom was able to attend, down into eighth and ninth place respectively. The Wrist maintained tenth spot, but was joined by the Hammer, who due to picking up massive raking systems points when his partner the Dude scored a 140, found himself on 58 points overall.
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| In the end though Dart Club was the winner |
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