L is for links

After the absolute mayhem at the City Darts it was always going to be difficult to make dartweek 12 exciting, the inter-regional Dart Club challenge was a fun day out for all the family, but dartweek 12 represented the bread and butter of Dart Club, it was not so much a case of keeping Dart Club’s nose to the grindstone, as getting back in the Dart Club saddle. It would be back to earth, but not with a bump – it were back to earth with a bang. With slack hackneyed metaphors like that running the show, how could dartweek 12 be anything but electric?

The pub of choice, yet another Sam Smith’s boozer, was the Cittie of Yorke, which fine old establishment sits on High Holborn, very much within the confines of the yellow one (after last dartweek’s amendment of rule seven, the Bull and Finishered were a little more carefullerer). Your best bet is getting there on the Central Line, head for Chancery Lane (not open on Sundays or Bank Holidays), pass through the barriers, turn left and walk up the stairs on the left, walk back towards the West End and it’s not far up on the right. It has a small boring looking front bar (and a cellar bar), but the back bar is a thing of beauty (although not as beautiful as the Aristocrat’s Shanghai finish at the City Darts) – a long, high ceilinged hall stretches out before you, with a long bar (95% Australian bar staff – which is a shame, but don’t let that spoil it for you), there are booths for canoodling along the side, and right at the very end is a dartboard.

Assembled darters

Now, one or two members of Dart Club were getting a bit sniffy about the dartboard, banging on about how it wasn’t lit very well and how people kept barging past to go to the toilet. Well, this was all a bit like when you feed your cat some fish for a treat then it turns its nose up at Whiskers. The City Darts had spoiled them. But, as all cat owners will know, if you leave the food in the bowl and starve the little fuckers, they always eat it in the end. The Cittie of Yorke’s dartboard had become a metaphorical bowl of Whiskers. Nine out of ten dartclubbers prefer Whiskers – they just didn’t realise it!

You’re probably getting bored silly with descriptions of Sam Smith’s boozers being affordable and selling nice German lagers – well, we managed to slip the information passed you then and you didn’t even notice. It is a bit like when your cat has got worms and you have to feed it some tablets, if you leave them out they will never eat them, if you put them in the Whiskers, they will artfully eat around them. However, if you crush them up and mix them into some tinned tuna, they will gobble them down, none the wiser. You, the reader, have been literarily wormed. This book has become a metaphorical bowl of tinned tuna with crushed worming tablets mixed in. Nine out of ten readers prefer tinned tuna with crushed worming tablets mixed in.

In view of the fact that at the City Darts the new game was not played, the Bull and Finishered decided that it would be a jolly good wheeze to play the new game a lot at dartweek 12, and luckily the new game was ideally suited to large groups with only one dartboard and despite the New Year Dart Club hangover that everybody seemed to be suffering there was quite a good turnout. Maybe it was the excitement of the BDO’s Embassy World Championship final at the Lakeside the previous Sunday (won by Ray van Barnevald) – although compared to the PDC, the BDO is a bit council, which is a shame for darts really, and it is also a shame for anyone unfortunate enough not to have Sky.

The game to be played at the Cittie of Yorke was darts golf. Now golf, as we all know, spoils a good walk and is responsible for the removal of dartboards in certain boozers, exhibit one THE EVIL GOLF MACHINE, with spinning ball thing. And you have to wear a silly outfit. But not in darts golf. Darts golf is not dissimilar to darts crazy golf, which was played at dartweek eight. It is no where near as kkkkkkkkkkkrraaaaazzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyy though, that’s for sure.

Players should chalk up the numbers one to 18, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that each number represents a hole on a standard golf course. Each player takes three darts at each hole. If one of the three darts lands in the treble bed, the player scores a hole in one (an ace), if a treble isn’t scored, but a double is, that is a two shot (or on a par four course, which Dart Club played, it is an eagle). If neither an ace nor eagle is scored, players may score a birdie, i.e. three strokes, for any dart landing in the inner ring segment of the target. Par (four) is scored if your best shot lands in the outer ring part of the segment. If none of the three darts lands in the target the player scores a bogie (five). Players should watch out for the bunkers though, if one of the three darts lands in the either of the treble beds of the adjacent target number and none of the other darts score (i.e. the player fails to register an ace, eagle, birdie or par), it is worth a double bogie (six). Nasty stuff.

Rather than split into two teams and play some sort of convoluted Ryder Cup style job, Dart Club decided to play darts golf as an all comers open tournament. With a massive £2 entry fee (to cover the cost of the engraved trophy), Dart Club would split into small yet manageable groups, who would then take it in turns to play the first nine holes, then the back nine. There would then be a cut, featuring the eight players that went around the 18 holes in the fewest strokes, they would then play another 18 holes (carrying whatever they scored on into the second round). For ease of scoring it is recommended that the scorer keeps a cumulative total score.

The first four to take to the course represented a mixed bag of Dart Club skills and experience. The Bull with his 328 Dart Club Ranking System points looked the strongest, closely followed by the Dude, with 129 DCRS points accrued he was quick becoming one to watch. The Shaman and the Mountie represent Canada. They are neck and neck in the DCRS table, with 60 and 59 points respectively.

Only the Bull managed to start the round of with a par shot. However, things were better on the second tee as only the Mountie failed to get a birdie. On the third Dart Club saw its first hole in one, the Dude aced out. Now a hole in one should always be savoured, but the Dude was savouring his a bit too much, because for the rest of the round he was bloody pants, coming in one over par. The Bull, however, lived up to his DCRS rating going around in 30 shots, six under, a round that included two holes in one on the fifth and seventh holes. The Mountie had a consistent first nine coming in one under par, but his compatriot the Shaman was wank, four over par off the first nine is
shocking.

Dartclubber	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9
Bull	4	7	11	15	16	20	21	25	30
Mountie	5	9	13	16	19	22	26	30	35
Shaman	5	8	12	17	22	25	29	35	40
Dude	5	8	9	13	18	21	26	31	37

Ranking points a plenty for group number two on the fairway at the Cittie of Yorke, the Fist went round the first nine scoring two holes in one, he came in seven under par. While Danny Boy put a terrible first nine at seven over – obviously the Fist’s excellent round was affecting Danny Boy adversely. The Black Bomber matched the Bull’s first nine coming in at six under par and Mincer put in a respectable 35.

Dartclubber	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9
Fist	1	4	7	8	12	18	21	25	29
Danny Boy	5	8	14	18	22	26	32	37	43
B.Bomber	4	7	8	13	17	21	24	29	30
Mincer	3	8	10	13	18	23	28	30	35

The third group to take to the links would feature the best first nine and the worst first nine, like the Fist the Clinician opened his round with a hole in one, and also like the Fist the Clinician scored one more hole in one for the round, however, unlike the Fist the Clinician was consistently top drawer and came in at nine under par. Good shit. By contrast, leading dartette the Sidewinder, was bollocks. She got a par on only two occasions, and that was as good as it got, coming in eight over par, she would have it all to do on the back nine if she was to make the cut. The Feather got a respectable par 36, while the Hammer was well off the pace at three over.

Dartclubber	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9
Clinician	1	6	11	14	15	19	21	24	27
Feather	5	6	10	14	19	23	27	31	36
Hammer	5	8	14	18	23	27	31	36	39
Sidewinder	4	10	15	20	25	29	34	39	44

The final group consisted of only three members, it was an unremarkable group too. Dart Club’s current number one the Finishered was trying to make it remarkable, however, as he carried out a scientific experiment in darts and booze, and in honour of golf, he remained tee-total for the duration. Often people assume that they need a drink or two before they reach their darting peak, one too many can have the opposite effect – as the, then, Finisher discovered at the City Darts when he forfeited his right to be known as the Finisher. Tonight would be different. Or would it? No, not really, he went around in 32, which was not bad, but was not good either. It was better than the Sting though, who managed a respectable par round, while the Joy Rider, the only newcomer to Dart Club, went around in one over par.

Dartclubber	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9
Joy Rider	5	9	13	17	20	25	29	34	37
Finishered	4	7	8	13	17	23	27	30	32
Sting	3	8	13	18	21	24	29	33	36

The very first group took to the course for the back nine, could the Bull sustain his excellent golfing? Yes he could. In fact, he bettered his first nine going around in 28, scoring three holes in one, he completed the course 14 under making the cut easily. The Mountie was the only other member of the group to score a hole in one, his back nine of 32 was three strokes better than his first nine and would propel him into the cut. Unlike both the Shaman and the Dude who both came in at two over par, with 74 strokes apiece.

Dartclubber	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18
Bull	34	38	44	45	50	52	53	54	58
Mountie	39	42	48	50	54	60	62	66	67
Shaman	45	47	51	55	57	62	66	71	74
Dude	41	46	50	55	58	62	67	70	74

The Fist made the cut easily bettering his first nine tabling a staggering 24 for the back nine. The Black Bomber was the only other darter to score two holes in one out of the second group and his complete round of 61 would easily ensure a place in the cut. Three out of the foursome ended the round with a hole in one, which was impressive, and despite not scoring a hole in one, the Mincer’s 67 would be also be good enough to make the cut.

Dartclubber	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18
Fist	31	34	38	42	43	46	49	52	53
Danny Boy	47	50	54	59	64	68	71	75	76
B.Bomber	36	39	43	46	47	51	54	60	61
Mincer	39	42	46	50	54	57	60	63	67

It is just as well the Clinician had such a great first nine, because his back nine was absolutely atrocious, going around the back nine four over par, a total score of 67 would still be good enough to make the cut, but since the scores would roll over he would have to put in a blinder to catch the Bull or Fist now. The Feather and Hammer were shite over the back nine, ending the course five over par, but the Sidewinder turned the tables in the most dramatic of ways, from tabling the worst first nine with 44 strokes, she managed a 28, with three holes in one her total round score was 72 and would give her a place in the cut. Just.

Dartclubber	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18
Clinician	32	37	42	44	48	53	58	62	67
Feather	41	45	50	55	60	64	68	72	77
Hammer	41	45	48	53	59	63	67	72	77
Sidewinder	49	53	58	61	62	63	66	67	72

The final member of Dart Club to make the cut was its very own tee-total (for the night) the Finishered, who although put in a few sloppy shots, including one double bogie on the 14th. He managed to come in ten strokes under par, thanks mainly to the two hole in ones accrued.

Dartclubber	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18
Joy Rider	41	45	48	52	56	61	66	70	75
Finishered	36	38	41	45	51	52	56	61	62
Sting	39	44	47	52	54	58	64	68	73

With two notable exceptions, namely Danny Boy and the Dude, the eight that made the grade were all recognised DC high flyers. The Sidewinder’s fantastic back nine were enough to secure her eighth spot, however, she came in six shots over at the end of the next round, which although by no means a disgrace was never going to move her up the table against such exalted opposition. The Mountie and Mincer both faired better ending the round seven shots under, improving on their first 18 which was five under apiece.

The Clinician’s wank back nine had moved him from first place right back to fifth, he did improve on things although not by much ending his third nine in 37 strokes, he found himself four under for the 27 holes played thus far. The Finishered started the next round in fourth place and ended the third round in fourth place, he did score a hole in one so came in 12 strokes under all together, which was one more stroke than the Black Bomber had needed – he too scored an ace during the round.

Interestingly the Bull and the Fist were the only two members of Dart Club who had gone to the bother of dressing the part, in other words they were both wearing vaguely Pringleish sweaters, although not the genuine article. Obviously, their golfing attire had inspired them because they were both on fire the Bull came in for the round four under par taking his total game to 18 under, while the Fist was two under for the round but 21 under all together thanks to his mesmerising 24 stroke back nine. Phew. One of them would have to seriously fuck up for the others to catch.

Dartclubber	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9
Sidewinder	77	82	86	91	97	101	106	110	114
Mountie	72	76	80	81	85	88	92	97	101
Mincer	69	74	78	82	88	92	93	97	101
Clinician	70	76	80	84	89	91	95	101	104
Finishered	66	70	74	79	84	88	89	93	96
B.Bomber	64	69	73	78	79	84	87	91	95
Bull	61	66	69	72	77	81	85	89	90
Fist	57	61	67	70	75	76	80	84	87

The wheels well and truly came off the Sidewinder’s car, everyone was doing the clown dance, tooting imaginary horns and asking other people to smell their imaginary squirty flowers, opening her final back nine with two successive double bogies, she waltzed in 14 shots over par and stormed into a commanding last place. Canada’s the Mountie, by contrast, scored two under for the last back nine and his total score of 135 strokes nine under and good enough for him to leapfrog both the Mincer and Clinician and into fourth place on the leaderboard. Talking of which, both the Mincer and Clinician had pretty poor final back nines, both tabling a 41 strokes, they ended up at one under and two under for the competition respectively, but it didn’t really look they were trying once triumph was out of the question.

The Feather tees off

It looked as though the Finishered didn’t stand a chance of catching the leaders, he was nine strokes off the pace, however, after two consecutive holes in one on the trot early doors, followed by an eagle he had closed the gap to only three shots, however, he must have accepted a lift off the Sidewinder in her clown car because he could not maintain the momentum, coming in eight under for the round was good, good enough to leapfrog the Black Bomber into third spot overall, but not good enough to challenge for the title – the only other player with similar aspirations at the start of the final back nine, was the Black Bomber but as was just mentioned he had a torrid time and slipped into fourth place, finishing the course 12 strokes under.

So it was left to Dart Club co-chairman, the Bull, to challenge the Dart Club upstart and new number two, the Fist. There was a three stroke lead in favour of the Fist at the start of the final back nine and both players opened the on the tenth with par shots, but then on the 11th the Bull got a hole in one and the Fist got a Bogie, the Bull was one shot up going onto the 12th. The Bull then got a birdie, but the Fist scored an ace and so, once more went one shot up. On the 13th the Bull got a bogie and the Fist got par, which was reversed on the 14th.

The Bull then got a hole in one on the 15th, he was turning the screw, but the Fist was equal to it and he too scored a hole in one, thus maintaining his meagre but important one stroke lead. Then the Bull scored a birdie and the Fist was only able to manage par – things were dead level going into the 17th. Again, the Bull maxed out sending his total for the game to 112, 28 shots under par. The pressure was on, but first dart came the response, treble 17, a hole in one by the Fist. With fervent talk of a play-off over the final three, the Bull took to the 18th tee. The Cittie of Yorke fell silent. THUMP! An outer one. THUMP! An inner four. The pressure mounted, a bead of sweat (might have) appeared on the Bull’s temple. THUMP! Double 18, an eagle. It could only be bettered by one score, treble 18, which during the first round, the Fist had achieved. Could he do it again to take the title?

The Fist adjusted his faux Pringle sweater and confidently approached the tee. THUMP! His first dart had landed safely in the par 18, it wouldn’t be good enough but it was a good marker. He knew that and he took his second swing. THUMP! An outer one. He’d missed, with only one dart left to win the tournament. Suddenly, the atmosphere in the Cittie of Yorke became so strong that even the crass Australian bar staff fell into a hushed reverential silence. All eyes were focused on the treble 18, Dart Club as one was behind a major Fist fuck up, he was getting too big for his boots by making it into all the finals, who the fuck did he think he was? Well, he was the best player in the room and he knew it. THUMP!, P’TING, there it was wedged nestling against the wire, just inside the inner segment of the 18, he’d scored a birdie. The Bull had won by one stroke, coming from behind, the old army way, proving DC rule 8 to be true, it ain’t over ‘til it’s over.

A churlish Fist congratulates a smug Bull

The Cittie of Yorke erupted as one, well not quite as one, because the Fist didn’t look too chuffed as he ruefully shook his head and then the worthy winner by the hand. He’d be back and he knew it.

Dartclubber	10	11	12	13	14	15	16	17	18
Sidewinder	120	126	128	133	138	143	148	153	158
Mountie	106	110	114	118	122	124	128	132	135
Mincer	106	110	113	118	123	128	133	139	143
Clinician	110	113	119	123	126	130	134	138	142
Finishered	100	101	102	104	109	111	114	120	124
B.Bomber	98	102	106	111	116	119	124	129	132
Bull	94	95	98	103	107	108	111	112	114
Fist	91	96	97	101	106	107	111	112	115

Time was very much against Dart Club, it had been a long but enjoyable round of darts golf, there was still time though for the Mountie to win a controversial 201 challenge. Firstly, during the game the Sting landed one of his darts in the end of another dart, a feat previously achieved by the Clinician at the Blue Posts, dartweek 10. At the Blue Posts, everyone thought it was quite funny, but at the Cittie of Yorke, the Black Bomber took it upon himself to argue, quite voraciously, that the score of the second dart was the score of the first. Even the Sting sagely agreed that this was not the case. The Black Bomber was quite incensed, his face went very red and all the veins on the side of his head stood out. He was reminded of Dart Club rule number six – do not question the Bull or the Finishered, this is not a democracy. But to no avail. He even shouted “LOOK IN THE BOOK!! LOOK IN THE BOOK!!”. Sadly, Dart Club did not have “the book”, whatever book that should be. It took quite some time before he went back to his usual routine of shouting at everybody and telling them to be quiet.

The Mountie gets his pot

Thankfully, Dart Club does now own a book that outlines the rules on this matter, and for the record, and for the Black Bomber’s information, rule number 12.01 (scoring) according to the BDO playing rules clearly states: “A dart shall only score if the point remains in, or touches the face of the dartboard, within the outer double wire, and having been ‘called’, shall be retrieved from the dartboard by the player.”

The chairmen felt smug.

The other piece of controversy came when the Mountie was awarded with his winnings and the pot was about £6 short, which meant that at least three of the dartclubbers there present had not paid a contribution, which then gave rise to the 11th rule of Dart Club. The 11th rule of Dart Club is do not welch on a bet or contribution. You are only cheating yourself.