M is for midnight darters

My how time flies, or so the saying goes, what a load of toss. Time, as all pedantic schoolboys will tell you, is an abstract concept, and really has no place in darts. There is no time limit to darts, however, rather irritatingly there is very much a bloody time limit on drinking – which can sometimes be for the best, but was definitely not for the best at the Blue Posts on Eastcastle Street dartweek 10 “time” in the Blue Posts they mean it, irrespective of whether you have finished the 501 £5 all-in challenge. It is not remotely abstract in the Blue Posts.

So when the Mincer said his local, the Apple Tree on Mount Pleasant, which is well within the Circle Line, stays open until 1am, has a bookable room with a two pool tables and has a dartboard, it was something of a no brainer. Where better to stage dartweek 13? It might turn out to be unlucky for some, mainly the Mincer because ironically he never actually made it. But for most dartclubbers dartweek 13, exactly six months after the first meeting at the One Tun (Goodge Street) and exactly six months before the end of the allotted 26 dartweeks, the Apple Tree would turn out to be rather splendid.

The Apple Tree on Mount Pleasant is not an apple tree, but that’s OK because Mount Pleasant is neither pleasant nor on a mount. It is, however, a bloody good solid pub, and is within walking distance of Farringdon tube. The route is a bit of a nightmare but don’t let that put you off, it is well worth it. Your best bet is to come out of the tube station, turn left and walk up Turnmill Street, turn left when you come to Clerkenwell Road, over the lights and up to Grays Inn Road, turn right then right again down Elm Street. Nightmare. Geddit? Nightmare……..Elm Street……..Anyway Elm Street turns into Mount Pleasant and you can’t miss the boozer.

The Sting pulls a face

It’s a nice sizeable pub, moderntraditional in décor, serving a wide selection of grub at reasonable prices, the dartboard is a bit high, as the Bull proved standing with his back to the board the bull’s-eye was clearly visible, but not to worry it’d be the same for everyone. And at this level that’s just about all that matters.

The new game, Fives, was played out by the Finishered and the Bull. The rules to fives are pretty simple, which is usually a good sign for a darts game. It is not based on any other sport but is based on a person’s ability to get a score using three darts that is divisible by five. For novelty’s sake players might like to decide who starts by seeing who can get nearest the five (the wire one). But in the Apple Tree the co-chairmen decided in the traditional manner of seeing who could get closest to the bull with one dart. The Bull was closer, although neither was anywhere bloody near. To recap, whatever a player scores with three darts is divided by five and that is the score that the player chalks up, if the three dart score is not divisible by five it is a no score. Players need to land on exactly 51 to win the game. If they get over 51 they are bust and retain the original running score. For the record, here are the exact scores scored by the Bull and the Finishered during the one and only game of fives played during dartweek 13.

The duke in action

The Bull and the Finishered were the participants in the only game ever played of fives during Dartweek 13. For the record, both were a bit shite and neither scored on their first go. Indeed, the Bull failed to score on no less than six turns, although he stayed in the reckoning by tabling the two highest scores, 12 and 13 respectively. That said the Finishered managed to bust himself by twattishly scoring a five having just notched a treble 20, a score which would have won him the game in style, but he bust himself and had to wait six more nerve jangling darts before sealing a well earned victory. It was to be his only victory all night. Unlucky for him.

After playing a few friendly games of 301 Dart Club had filled out sufficiently, and it was time to play a special game in honour of the location of the Apple Tree. After the success of the FA Cup Challenge held at the Archery Tavern (dartweek five) near Lancaster Gate, a game in honour of the pub’s location seemed like a good idea. Mount Pleasant, as was mentioned not moments ago is neither pleasant nor a mount, it is, however, the location of the central sorting office for all Londoners’ mail, so in honour of this Dart Club would play Postman’s Dart.

In preparation for Postman’s Dart the Finsihered had filled an envelope with 92 pieces of paper that had been folded in such a way as to make them slightly suspicious looking, if you don’t know what that means, then don’t worry about it, you’ve led a sheltered life and that’s probably for the best. Anyway, on each piece of paper, prior to the suspicious folding antics of the Finishered, he wrote down a target, each target represented an area on a standard clock dartboard, the double, the outer, the treble, the inner for each number 1-20, plus the 25 and the bull’s-eye, and plus ten very special deliveries. The ten special deliveries were the loops of the targets 20, 18, 4, 6, 10, 19, 16, 8, 14 and 9. The same loops that were used for the round of Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkrraaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzy golf at the Whores & Doom dartweek nine.

Eleven dartclubbers placed £2 in the walnut (whip) and drew eight miniature envelopes from the master envelope. The names of the dartclubbers present were then written down in sort of reverse order of current Dart Club Ranking System table except the Mountie who for some reason slipped in last (unlucky for him), and taking three darts at a time each would approach the oche, the first clubber to deliver all his letters (i.e.hit all his targets would scoop the glittering prize) and to make matters slightly more intriguing should a player hit another player’s target by accident that letter was delivered on his behalf.

Little John	In10	D9	D12	D20	T17	T19	In5	In6
Duke	Sp20	Ot15	Ot20	Ot8	In14	In9	T16	Ot17
Sidewinder	In18	Sp14	In17	D1	In15	D4	Ot11	Sp16
Dude	Bull	Sp9	D7	D5	T6	In3	T20	T5
Sting	Ot12	Ot4	Ot13	D16	Sp4	In11	In2	In16
Bomber	Sp6	Sp8	T2	D2	D11	In8	Ot7	Ot19
Clinician	Sp18	In13	D17	D15	Ot6	T3	T13	T1
Bull	Ot14	T4	T9	In7	D8	D10	D19	D13
Fist	Ot10	Ot2	In20	25	T8	T12	T14	T11
Finishered	D6	D14	Sp10	T7	In1	T10	In19	Ot9
Mountie	Ot3	Ot16	Ot5	Ot18	D18	T18	T15	Sp19

The above table might look a bit confusing, but in short the Dude was the worst postman delivering just two letters, while the Fist was the quickest postie, delivering all eight before anyone else. This is a quality game, but does require some fastidious preparatory work.

The Fist tests for wind

RANDOM BIT

gh – for cat lovers out there, the letters g and h to the left of the page were ‘typed’ by Bob, who jumped on the laptop in a brave last gasp attempt to steal the author’s bacon sandwich. He has been banished to the garden. (Bob - not the author.)

The half-life of Dart Club was to witness another first. Honestly, when would Dart Club reach a stage when firsts didn’t keep happening? It seems as though every time Dart Club meets, yet another first happens, surely making darts the most variable activity on the planet. Even if a first doesn’t happen at a Dart Club, that would be a first. If an eternal number of apes, bashed away for eternity at an eternal number of typewriters, at some stage the complete works of Shakespeare would get written. I doubt whether those same apes could even play darts. Making darts the most eternally variable game on a planet of the apes. Anyway, this particular first came in the form of a game dreamt up by one of the dartclubbers – the Clinician.

Not content with being one of the most prolific dartists at Dart Club the Clinician also wanted to shape its destiny, much the same way as Danny Boy had when he booked Ye Olde Watling for dartweek 7. Maybe it was something to do with being a City gent, because the Clinician is also a City gent, anyway that’s all a bit irrelevant. The game that the Clinician came up with is a darts version of the popular BBC1 quiz featuring ginger-haired, Welsh-hating Bellspalsey faced ice queen Anne Robinson, the Weakest Link.

For those of you not familiar with the TV show in question (maybe you prefer that sanctimonious wanker Tarrant and his Who Wants to be a Millionaire show on the other side, or maybe you have some taste and a social life), contestants raise cash by answering questions correctly as one big team and at the end of each round must elect to eject a contestant by means of a secret ballot.

The Weakest Dart would have a slightly different format, Dart Club split itself into two teams, each team member would take three darts and score would be added to the team’s running total, after each player had taken a throw, they would elect to eject one of their team members. The player receiving most votes would leave the team, in the event that two players received equal votes, the strongest dart would get the casting vote.

This eviction process would take place until only two players remained on each team. The running totals then became the target from which you’re the opposing team must race down to zero. The winning pair would then play out a game of 301 to decide who is the strongest dart. Prior to playing each team should select an Anne Robinson impersonator to call out the opposing teams weakest dart, and to ask why certain darters had voted the way they did.

Team A	Team B
Finishered	Fist
Bull	Clinician
Bomber	Dude
Sting	Sidewinder
Mountie	Duke
Little John

It doesn’t take a genius to work out that the two teams above do not have an equal numbers of dartists. So Team A decided to play out one preliminary round to decide who to evict, but whatever they scored would not count towards to final total. The six players took it in turn, the Finishered was the strongest dart with a 96 scored, he voted out Little John, the Bull scored 77 and also voted out Little John, the Black Bomber got a pub score and voted for the Sting, the Sting got a shitty 13 and had the audacity to vote for the Finishered (tactical voting apparently), the Mountie got 20 and voted for newcomer Little John, while the man with the most votes Little John was also the weakest dart scoring 11 – “Little John,” cried the Clinician, “you are the weakest dart. Goodbye”.

The weakest links say goodbye

Already rivalries were forming in Team A after round 1b the Bomber and the Sting turned on each other like cornered dogs, receiving two votes each, the strongest dart that round, the Mountie, stuck with his vote and evicted the Sting, the Bomber was smug. However, the friction in Team A had led to their tabling a pathetic 124, Team B thus established a commanding lead. And also turned on the team newcomer voting out the Duke.

If there was any justice in the world all but the Black Bomber from Team A should have voted for themselves. However, there is no justice, just votes. The Finishered, who was the weakest dart, took a gamble and voted for his co-chairman the Bull, it paid off, because the Black Bomber did too. The Sidewinder also found herself grumbling off-camera as she received two votes from her team mates and was consequently evicted.

Team A Team B
TOTAL 362 TOTAL 587

In the final round of evictions the Black Bomber and the Fist took the walk of shame, leaving the Finishered and the Mountie to chase down from 587 and the Clinician and the Dude requiring 362. In a completely one horse (with two jockeys) race Team B triumphed easily, with the Clinician nailing a double ten, Team A’s score was 167 at check out. The Dude and the Clinician then played out an uneventful game of 301, with the Dude proving himself to be the Strongest Dart.

The Dude shows off his BO

With no less than three new games under its belt and with plenty of time on its hands Dart Club returned to its old favourite the 301 knock-out tournament. And rather than go into a lengthy explanation about who did what to who, all that will be revealed is the Fist beat the newcomer the Duke in the final, which is just as well for the Bull because he gave odds of 10:1 against the Duke winning and stood to lose £30 – still he was smiling at £3 up.

The night’s proceedings had had very little impact on the Dart Club Ranking System top ten.

1 (1) Finishered 454 (430)
2 (2) Fist 424 (382)
3 (3) Bull 353 (338)
4 (4) Clinician 323 (302)
5 (5) Bomber 293 (280)
6 (6) Danny Boy 275 (275)
7 (7) Aristocrat 228 (228)
8 (9) Dude 189 (157)
9 (8) Sting 172 (162)
10 (10) Specialist 105 (105)

In the midnight hour