A is for...And then there were darts

The following email invitation was sent to a select band of men (well, actually it was sent to our email address book):

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Email Bulletin
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From: Undisclosed source
Sent: 05 August 2002 17:28
To: Undisclosed recipients
Subject: Dart Club
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Ladies and gentlemen

You have been hand selected because you are men (and women) of honour, men (and women) of courage, but most importantly of all, men (and …oh, who are we kidding?) who like darts.

You are being presented with the opportunity to put something back into the game you love, drink beer and play a part in the journey of a lifetime.

Over the next 12 months Dart Club will visit 26 different central London-based public houses, all with one very important thing in common. That's right. In each of these pubs Dart Club will play a game of darts, but it will not be a normal game. Well, it will be a few times, but the other times it will be a dart-variant game.

Each event will be captured and noted down, culminating ultimately in the production of a book. We might even take some photos, if we remember to buy a camera.

You and you may or may not have met each other, but that's not the point. You might not be able to play a part in all 26 games, but that's not the point either. As far as we can tell, there are three points, and they’re all going to be thrown with varying degrees of accuracy at London’s dartboards over the next year.

All that remains to be said is, we'll see you in the One Tun, on Goodge Street in London's glitzy West End on Tuesday 13th if you fancy a game of arrows - unless the board is busy, then we'll find somewhere else.

May the best man win.

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The One Tun is within easy walking distance of Goodge Street tube, just come out of the station, turn right and right again, and it’s about two hundred yards on the right, the sign has a man holding a barrel and One Tun in big writing, you can’t miss it.

When it comes to premium lagers this is a Stella pub, but with the time of arrival at an early doors of 17:30 it was too early for wife beater, so with the evening stretching out before us like a mysterious trip into the darts unknown we, the Dart Club co-chairmen, ordered a pint of Carling and a pint of Fosters from the Australian barmaid. The bar staff, it turns out, are at least 60% Australian.

A little nervous, not quite knowing what to do was slightly unusual, we’ve played darts many a time in various pubs across London, but we knew that something big was just about to start. There would be some pretty complicated games to learn over the course of the year, and rather than put off our darting companions by subjecting them to some bizarre darts version of American football, we thought it wise to keep it simple, so chose 301, because every darter knows how to play it.

The classic and most widely played darts game in the world is basically a race down to zero, from a predefined total. Three oh one is usually played by beginners, while 501 tends to be played by the more experienced dartists, or amateurs with time on their hands.

Deciding who goes first is almost always settled by seeing who can get nearest to the bull’s-eye with a single dart – middle for diddle. Once a game is underway competitors take it in turns to throw three darts at the board, taking the sum of the three darts away from the current score, 301 or 501 at the beginning.

Some regional variations have it that players must start out by scoring a double. But hitting the doubles is bloody difficult when you’re crap and so you’re probably better off playing ‘straight in’. Anywhere on the board is fair game.

The game starts at one over the ton so darters are forced at some stage to go for an odd number – although with pub darters deviating from the 20 segment is not usually an issue. A top tip for those requiring an odd number is the section of the board featuring 7, 19, 3 and 17 – this area of the board has such a high concentration of odd numbers it is affectionately known in some quarters as Old Compton Street.

Starting out on a double is not widespread darting practice, but finishing on a double most certainly is. The ‘check out’, as it is known, means finishing exactly on zero with a double, and that includes the bull’s-eye. If a player finishes on minus figures, he is ‘bust’ and retains his current running total score. Likewise, if a player finishes on one, he is bust, because there is no 0.5 segment on the board - although it is fairly common practice to either split the 11 when faced with this predicament or go for a bull’s-eye.

One hundred and seventy is the highest check out and 159 is the lowest score that a darter cannot check out on with three darts (a bloke down the pub told me that. Nice bloke. Fat bloke. And he was related to Oliver Cromwell).

Double 20, denoted T for tops when chalking, is the most glamorous out shot (apart from bull’s-eye) that most darters will go for. However, tops is riddled with danger for the mere amateur. It might seem innocuous at first glance, sitting up at the crest of the board, after all it’s surface area is just the same as any other outer double so why not give it crack?

Here is why: because if you miss you are likely it hit a 1 or a 5, thus leaving yourself without an out shot. Or should you score a straight 20 that’ll leave you requiring double 10 – well, that’s an out shot fair enough, but hit the straight 10 and it’s double 5 left, which could easily leave you requiring 5 to finish – not nice. Plus, you might find yourself on 5 earlier than you think, since 10 lies adjacent to 15.

The more sophisticated darter will probably try to leave himself requiring 32. This target has a number of advantages, should you hit a straight 16, you’ll need double 8, which is the adjacent segment, a straight 8 will leave you double 4, a straight 4, a double 2, a straight 2, double 1 – they are all out shots.

Going back to double 16, if you strike the 8 (remember, it’s right next door), you’ll need double 12, a straight 12 leaves double 6, which lies at 3 o’clock and for most right handed darters is favourable – although it could leave you requiring double 3, which should probably be avoided, since getting left needing double 3 is worse than double 5.

But don’t take my word for it:
“Double 3!…Nasty that. Worst double on the board. Never go near it less you’ve fucked double 12 and then come inside on double 6. Murder. 3’s the double all darters dread. Right down at the bottom like that, at six o’clock, you’re sort of dropping it in. And if you come inside it’s 1, double 1. Pressure darts,”
Keith ‘the Finisher’ Talent, London Fields

The doubles that make up Old Compton Street, 7 through to 17 should all be avoided if possible, since a straight in any leaves no out shot. (And that last sentence works on two levels.) If all this is getting a bit complicated (or boring), you should check out the Check Out Chart in Appendix I (unless it’s getting boring, then you should probably put this book down and pick up a good novel).

A quick gambling game, known as Dublin, sees both darters start on 101, an initial stake is made on the game, darters must start and end on a double. If one darter checks out before the other starts, the stake is doubled. Hence, Dublin – doubling – geddit? It should be a quick-fire game in which darters can win or lose cash quickly, however, since it concentrates on the trickier aspect of darts, namely hitting doubles, it’s not actually that quick-fire.

Chasing down from the predefined total is often more fun than the painstaking finish. In much the same way that driving down a motorway is often more fun than reverse parking into a space that looks decidedly too small, while traffic backs up behind you on a busy high street. With that in mind there are a number of alternative end-game scenarios.

The simplest variation is known as ‘the girls’ finish’, here competitors are not required to finish on a double. An even easier finish is ‘the busty girls’ finish’, where players are merely required to get down beyond zero. The ‘draw finish’ or ‘equal darts’ lets fellow darters complete the round, ensuring everybody has had the same number of throws, which means that two or more darters can finish equal, although some darters are more equal than others.

In some instances players can find themselves up against inferior opposition. For example, when a gentleman challenges his spouse at the oche. Mostly, this is great news. However, this being a very British game, competitors may wish to enforce some sort of handicap system, thus enabling female darters to taste sweet victory.

Handicaps include: letting ladies stand a bit closer; making the gentleman darter throw one or more of his three darts using his cackhand; making the man start on a higher number; and allowing the woman anyone of the non-double finishes outlined above. This is an excellent way of patronising the little lady, plus should you lose, you save face, since really you “let them win” and when all is said and done, “they are not bad for a bird”.

The final piece of darting etiquette that one should be aware of is known as ‘muggs off’. Put simply, this means the loser of the last game, starts the next game.

Before proceedings get underway it is suggested that players pick suitable darts names. Over years of darting around London we the authors had settled on the Finisher and the Bull. The Finisher in homage to his darting hero, Keith Talent, and the Bull because standing at a height of 5’8” he is exactly the same height as the bull’s-eye should be from the floor. They were ready to sDart.

Opening the very first game at Dart Club of the very first night of the voyage onto the high seas of the darts unknown, the Finisher was closest to bull’s-eye, and purely for the purposes of clarity here’s how it went.

The Finisher	301	The Bull	301
12,5,1	283	5,60,20	216
9	274	12,5,3	199
20,15,9	240	20,20,25	129
20,1,1	218	20,25,9	75
5,1	212	5,18,19	28
36,12,5	159	9	19
20,1,12	126	17bust	19
5,1,15	105	2,7	10
1,1,5	98	5bust	10
5,5,2	86	5,1	4
40,5,9	32	bust	4
Double 16	Check out

If you can be bothered to analyse the above results, you have problems. So for those of you without problems here is a quick overview of the conclusions that someone with problems might draw.

1. The Bull was better down to bull.
2. The Finisher was the better finisher.

The Finisher finishes

Our darts names are, it seems, quite appropriate after all.

You are considered to be of professional standard if you average 31 per dart. The Finisher’s average of 25.8 per three darts meant that he was far from professional, it was obviously dragged down by the eight 1s tabled. Perhaps he would have been better placed standing slightly to the left.

The pub was already starting to fill up with the time at an early doors of about 18:00 and Dart Club learnt a valuable lesson much to the chagrin of some less fortunate standers-by: Get in the pub early and don’t leave the oche.

A further consideration for the darter is to disguise your crapness. This is very difficult to do in a game like darts as it is a very visual beast, but there are a number of approaches at hand. One is to play the game very quickly and not let the darts linger in the board – unless you score particularly well, then it is time to go to the bar or toilet, or do some other time consuming trick like lighting a fag so that they can be left for viewing. The downside to playing quickly is (and this is a bit of a truism that your girlfriend might agree with) everything gets very rushed and you are liable to be even worse than you feared you would be.

The second and safer alternative when crap is to make it look like you don’t care – this technique gets most of us through secondary school, so you should be well versed. If you make it look like you don’t care you will be immune to the schadenfreudic wishes of onlookers – i.e. “he thinks he’s really good, I hope he fucks it up. Oh good he has. But alas he seems not to give gypsy’s kiss”. The downside to this is that no one will take you seriously. The upside to this is that no one will take you seriously. To perfect this approach a number of things have to be remembered. Fancy darts in fancy darts cases are out. It may be necessary to borrow darts from the bar – even if you don’t actually use them.

The third and most popular approach to crapness is to drink heavily. This way you can play as seriously as you like and still not care. And if you display lots of signs of heavy drinking, no one will expect you to be able to play well either. There is one serious downside – that you act like a wanker and become very unpopular. But everything has its price……

With one game under their belts the Bull and the Finisher returned to their drinks to contemplate life and await the imminent arrival of their darting companions.

They wouldn’t have to wait long, for the man who invented FridgeChess walked through the door. Wow! Dart Club had its first whacky entrepreneur. Not bad. If this book never takes off, maybe one day the FridgeChess bloke will invent fridge darts and we’ll be able to buy it in WH Smith instead. In honour of his fridge-based profession he was dubbed ‘the Light’.

“Big turn out” said the Light with a cheeky glint in his eye. “You’ll see” said the Finisher, and he did. Before you could say “Jocky Wilson is a hermit” in walked a journalist colleague of Dart Club’s authors, a grim, worrisome chap, who only ever drinks Guinness, he dubbed himself the Darkness and quickly decided he was the sworn enemy of the Light. The Darkness got himself a pint of Guinness.

Three more dartists arrived. The first a PhD vivisectionist, who at first chose the charming title ‘the Butcher of Bloomsbury’, but then in the interests of not getting Dart Club firebombed by PETA opted for the Clinician. The second a larger than life Cockney City boy type who due to his Irish heritage chose the name of the song he always sings at the end of the night as his moniker, Danny Boy. The third of these new arrivals opted for ‘the Specialist’ since he specialises in being rubbish at darts.

Dart Club was ready for its first game of doubles. But before the first game of doubles could be played the first rule of Dart Club had to be outlined to the assembled players:

The first rule of Dart Club is, you must tell everyone you know about Dart Club.

Without getting into the deeper analysis of who scored what, what can be revealed about the next game of doubles played is the Specialist and the Finisher won the game, with the Finisher finishing on his favourite of double one – his natural propensity to stand slightly too far to the right coming in handy. And, interestingly enough, the pairing’s average score was 29.9 was a distinct improvement on the Finisher’s earlier 25.8. Showing that darts can be a team game after all.

Dart Club progressed with a number of singles matches. When it comes to watching mano y mano 301 challenges with a group of mates, side betting on the outcome is strongly recommended, this greatly enhances the fun of watching someone else having fun. Not a major revelation admittedly, but after about eight pints of lager, epiphanies are commonplace, and usually involve kebabs.

The Light hands the Bull his winnings	Abrakababra it's Danny Boy

A further ten games of 301 followed, of which Irish crooner Danny Boy and the Clinician won three (including an impressive three dart finish complete with a double top exit from the Clinician), the Finisher won two, the Bull and the Light won one a piece. With the Specialist and Darkness specialising in not winning any. There were a number of 100s scored throughout the evening, however, the Finisher took the top score prize with a 105.

Despite a hat-trick of wins, including one with an average score of 56.2, Danny Boy tabled the lowest score in open play with a miserly two, the lowest average in a game was scored by the Darkness with 21.5. And just for the record the Dart Club average average was 37.55769.

The night was capped off with a massive seven darter play-off game of 501. Each player placed a fiver into the ring and the Bull claimed his glittering prize with a 30 dart finish (approx) and an impressive average score of about 48.3. Under duress he pledged to funnel the money back into darts. Which gave us the second rule of Dart Club.

The second rule of Dart Club is: you have to plough your winnings back into Dart Club.

The Bull wins the 501 challenge

Conclusions to be drawn are that booze settles the nerves, since with a clear head the Bull only managed an average of thirty one point bloody two. Still, that’s darts. The night had been a success even though we came only fourth out of ten in the quiz, Dart Club was still a winner and Danny Boy’s Danny Boy was something else.