I is for real

After its brief sojourn last time out into the barren hinterland that lies beyond the confines of the Circle Line, dartweek nine would return back to its West End roots, and very much within its predefined geographical limits.

The Finisher was not best pleased with the Bull’s bullish booking of the Bull, so took the bull by the horns, so to speak, and was in attendance with the Bull when they both booked the Horse & Groom on Great Portland Street.

The Horse & Groom, affectionately known as the Whores & Doom, lies about half way between Great Portland Street tube station and Oxford Street tube station, walking south down Great Portland Street from the tube station bearing the same name, you’ll see it on the left, it is an unassuming boozer, with a very congenial landlord. It has a sizeable public bar, a comfortable lounge and pokey games room, featuring a table footy and, of course, a dartboard – albeit a bit of a scraggy number.

It is a Sam Smith’s pub so it sells reasonably priced German lagers…..or at least it does normally, but on the night of Dart Club number nine, the lager was off! So, most of Dart Club were forced to embrace the north and drink bitter – which was a pleasant change.

The H&G also features an electronic darts scorer, which is good for the maff fuckwits, but bad for darts – darts should never be electronicacised.

The Bull and the Finisher strolled into the Whores & Doom at about 17:00doors intending to get the new game out of the way ASAP, because for reasons that will become clearer later, Dart Club really did need to focus on regular darts, particularly after the previous dartweek’s quiz related darts night.

The ninth game to be played at Dart Club was based on the sea-side favourite of KKKKKkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrraaaaazzzzzy golf. Crazy golf, is about as kkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrraaaaazzzzzy as normal golf, i.e. not very.

But, frankly, at the British sea-side there is only so much raw sewage one can bear swallowing in the sub-zero sea before the lure of the crazy golf, trampolines and bored looking donkeys take their collective hold. In a pub there is little opportunity to trampoline, or indeed take ride on a donkey, however, at the oche there is every opportunity to play crazy golf.

Dart crazy golf, it turns out, is pretty good, although it does not feature the windmill, which for reasons unknown is everybody’s favourite on a regular crazy golf course, it does feature plenty of scope for WILD darts.

Competitors, should write down the following string of numbers on the chalkboard: 20, 18, four, six, 10, 19, 16, eight, 14 and nine.

What is the link?

Think laterally, go on, it’s not that difficult.

The more Krypton Factored smart arse readers out there will have noticed that the common denominator between these seemingly random numbers is that they all feature a ‘loop’, i.e. a hole, although 18 and eight have two holes.

In this darts game it doesn’t matter who goes first, likewise it doesn’t really matter how many players there are. Players take it in turns throwing three darts at a time. If any of the three darts lands in the hole of the target number, the darter scores a hole in one. If the dart lands in amongst the target a two is scored. A three score is registered if the best dart lands in the double space or space described by the extrapolation of the target boundaries up to the edge of the bored. A four is scored for the treble bed and outer bed, a five is scored for the inner bed and a six if none of the above.

Here is what happened when the Bull and the Finisher played out the first game:

	Bull	Finisher
20	3	4
18	6	7
4	9	10
6	12	14
10	13	17
19	16	20
16	18	24
8	24	26
14	27	29
9	31	33

With one round completed, the darters returned to the 19th hole for a refreshing pint of bitter. It had been a decent round, with the Bull claiming the only hole in one, beating the Finisher by two holes. The Finisher was not pleased, so rather like a hard done-by elder brother he suggested that they got back around the board, starting on nine and moving anti-clockwise back to the 20. Here is what happened:

	Bull	Finisher
9	37	36
14	40	37
8	46	41
16	49	47
19	52	50
10	55	53
6	61	57
4	64	60
18	67	63
20	-	64

Having completed a second round the Finisher was significantly happier, not only had he made the two-hole deficit up, but he had notched two hole in ones, including one on the final hole, which negated the need for the Bull to take his last throw.

The Finisher scores a crazy hole in one

With darts crazy golf out of the way, the co-chairmen could start focusing on the night's maid event. Team darts.

Both the Bull and the Finisher have a darts loving mutual associate who lives in Leicester. The story of how they both came to know the Leicester darter is long winded and has nothing to do with darts or pubs. However, it is story wrapped in a mystery, and a mysterious number at that, the number 26. And if this story doesn’t make the hairs stand up on the back on your neck, nothing will.

The Leicester darter, the Dreaded, was friend of the Finisher some seven years prior to the meeting between the Finisher and the Bull. The Finisher moved to London and thought that he would never see the Dreaded again, until the day he bumped into him at the Bull’s wedding in Ireland. The Dreaded, it turns out, was the Bull’s new wife’s first boyfriend. This strange coincidence is made yet stranger when the circle is squared, the common denominators in the relationship between the Bull and the Dreaded is the Bull’s wife. The really spooky part is the common denominator between the Finisher and Bull’s wife is that, not only do they share the same friends, without ever knowing it, but they share the same birthday, and that date, for the record, is February 26. TWENTY SIX! Russell Grant would have a bloody field day with this kind of stuff.

(WEIRD SPOOKY FACT Since Dart Club completed its epic year, the Finisher got married, and guess what? His wife's birthday is February 26th!! (and no, he didn't marry Mrs Bull).)

To make matters even more coincidental, it turns out that the Dreaded, and his Leicester cohorts meet regularly and have their very own Dart Club, and they have darts names (of course) and the founder of the Leicester Dart Club is called the Finisher!!

There would have to be a showdown at the oche coral.

Leicester would play London with the losing captain honour-bound to change his darts moniker from the Finisher to the Loser. The date set would have been February 26, but both the Bull and Finisher would be in Brussels that day, but that really is a different story. Instead, the date set would be Saturday January 4th. Leicester would bring down a team and Dart Club would take them on. For dartweek nine though, in preparation, in the Whores and Doom, Dart Club would be split into two teams strictly on a Dart Club Ranking System basis, the Bulls v the Finishers. And here were those teams:

THE BULLS	THE FINISHERS
Bull	Finisher
Clinician	Fist
Black Bomber	Sidewinder
Sting	Mountie
Shaman	Aristocrat
Enigma	Optimist (new)
Prince (new)	Dictator

On paper the teams should have been equal, since they were organised according to the Dart Club Ranking System. However, at the risk of being chauvinistical and mysogonisicalacious, darts is a man’s game. And the Finisher’s team contained two more dartettes than the Bull’s team – it did contain the number one dartette, the Sidewinder, who stood head and shoulders above the Enigma on the Bull’s team. However, the two additional ladies on the Finisher’s team, the Dictator and the Optimist, were so far unproven at the oche. (The Dictator had attended Dart Club in the past but had yet to throw in open competition.)

The format for the evening’s entertainment would roughly follow the format that the Finisher and the Clinician learnt on the night they both joined the Doyle’s Bar darts team, which was two fours play 701, four pairs play 601, eight singles matches of 501 and an all in 1001. However, Dart Club was only 14 strong in the Whores and Doom, so it would have to be re-jigged slightly. The teams would be carefully seeded to ensure a fair balance. The first 701 match of the evening saw the following line-ups.

THE BULLS	THE FINISHERS
Bull	Finisher
Black Bomber	Sidewinder
Shaman	Aristocrat
Prince	Dictator

Organising Dart Club into two teams was like trying to herd cats, and the games room at the Whores and Doom is not the roomiest of places. The oche is up against one sidewall and the darters must stand with their back practically touching the back wall, and the table footy takes up all the other room. But eventually the first game of the big match got underway. It was generally a poor game, and went to penalties in the end, the Bulls were victorious.

THE BULLS I	THE FINISHERS 0
Clinician	Fist
Sting	Mountie
Enigma	Optimist

With less players playing in the second game you would have thought that the higher calibre players would have greater opportunity to influence the overall outcome. However, they didn’t and the second game of the night was as equally shite as the first. But once again the Bulls were victorious.

THE BULLS II	THE FINISHERS 0
Bull	Finisher
Prince	Dictator

The first doubles game of the match starred the two team captains, and at two-nil down, the Finisher could really do with winning the game. However, he didn’t. Just when it looked like the game was going to penalties and with the last dart throw of the game, the Bull finished the Finisher’s finishing hopes and took the tie.

THE BULLS III	THE FINISHERS 0
Clinician	Fist
Enigma	Optimist

At three nil down it was starting to look like a bit of a whitewash. Luckily for the Finisher, his team contained a fairly strong middle order, the Fist is a rising star of Dart Club, although behind the Clinician in Dart Club Rankings terms, he was catching up fast. And he was just about to get a bit faster. He and the Optimist prevailed. Leaving their opponents on the staggeringly high total of 245. The Finishers were back in it.

THE BULLS III	THE FINISHERS I
Black Bomber	Sidewinder
Shaman	Aristocrat

And they were about to get more into it too, as the Sidewinder and Aristocrat beat the Bomber and Shaman. And then to draw the match so far the Mountie overcame the Sting, picking up two pub scores and checking out on 56, with the Sting still on 132. The match was about to go into the singles phase (for the pedants out there, the Mountie v Sting match was a singles match, but was played as part of the doubles section due to lack of numbers).

The Bulls III The Finishers III

With seven individual games of 501 ahead and a potential, nail biting decider of 1001, the scores were dead level and both teams had everything to play for. The Bulls drew first blood as the Bull beat his opposite number, the Finisher. The Fist then pulled things level, beating the Clinician easily.

The Bulls IV The Finishers IV

The Bulls then established a lead that looked somewhat unassailable. First up the Black Bomber beat the Sidewinder. Then the Sting got his revenge over the Mountie, beating him with a double four. The Aristocrat got one back for the Finishers beating the Shaman, but that still left the Bulls one game ahead going into the penultimate game. A game, which, on paper, looked a formality.

The Bulls VI The Finishers V

The Prince, a new but proven darter (who owns his own dartboard, he bragged) was to take on the Optimist, a dartette, who largely due to consuming an entire bottle of white wine, did not exactly fill the Finisher’s heart with optimism.

And indeed when the game got under way, it looked as though the Bulls’ single point lead would be doubled rendering the final game of 1001 a formality. After 21 darts the Prince required 78, while the Optimist was on 204.

The Optimist at the oche looking shaky

However, after a further 21 darts, the Prince required three – the darters nightmare. The Optimist finished on double nine and took the game, sending the team match into 1001 sudden death, and sending the crowd wild.

Ever the Optimist! The Bull and Black Bomber are gracious in defeat (or patronising, you decide)

Each player of each team would now take it in turns at the oche in a giant game of 1001. The Bulls, although obviously downhearted at not taking the game already, scorched into an early lead, after 45 darts they were 82 points clear on 343. After a further 24 darts the Bulls were on the exceptionally easy finish of double three, while the Finishers were on a whoppingly painful 137. It was surely a formality now.

The Sting bust out, the Aristocrat tabled 38.
The Prince bust out, the Optimist scored 35.
The Clinician bust out, the Finisher notched 41.
The Black Bomber bust out, the Aristocrat registered eight.
The Prince scored a two, and the Finisher finished the only game he’d finished all night to take the match with double four.

Proving Lenny Kravitz prophetic eighth rule of Dart Club to be true.

The eighth rule of Dart Club is: It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.

The Bull was incandescent with rage. But handed out the winners’ medals in good grace, despite severe provocation from the Finisher. The Sting, however, tore his medal from his neck and threw it to the floor in disgust.

Some of life's losers	Some of life's winners

There had been a lot of sexy darts on display and that had a dramatic impact on the Dart Club Ranking Top Ten. Despite throwing the winning dart of the match, the Finisher was pretty poor all night, but still remained at the top of the chart, and looked a fair bet to make the first team against Leicester. And despite not making it Danny Boy held onto his second place spot in the rankings, although the Bull closed the gap dramatically, earning 52 Dart Club Ranking System points. The Fist leap-frogged the Clinician into fourth spot, earning an impressive 69 rude sounding Dart Club Ranking System points, compared to the Clinician’s 24.

The Fist really was starting to look like a potential Dart Club champion. The Finisher would have to start to look into ways of hindering his meteoric rise to the top.

The Black Bomber earned more Dart Club Ranking System points than any other darter on the night, with 70 points, however, he stayed put in sixth spot. Neither the Dude nor the Specialist could attend, but did not move down the table, however, the Sting’s 24 points pushed him from 14th to ninth, another week like that and he’d be in first team for the Leicester match. Any more no shows and the Darkness would be out of the top ten.

It made the top ten look a little exactly like this:

1 (1)	Finisher	352 (317)
2 (2)	Danny Boy	222 (222)
3 (3)	Bull	207 (155)
4 (5)	Fist	179 (110)
5 (4)	Clinician	176 (152)
6 (6)	Black Bomber	160 (90)
7 (7)	Dude	86 (86)
8 (8)	Specialist	81 (81)
9 (14)	Sting	71 (47)
10 (10)	Darkness	70 (70)

Darts is very much man against board. But as was proved by the Optimist’s fine efforts that sent the match at the Whores & Doom into sudden death, darts can also be very much a team game.

Indeed, the Dart Club Ranking System’s policy of rewarding both team members any Merit Points earned for sexy darts during a game of doubles goes someway to prove this. And in games of triplets or quads or above, the same rules apply.

In the last chapter, Dart Club Ranking System points were put to one side to consider simple 301 win ratios and the Dude came out on top edging out the Fist of all people. But in light of tonight’s team affair, who is the best team player?

The table below shows:

		Doubles win ratio	DCRS points	DC Ranking	Singles win ratio	Singles ranking
1	Black Bomber	76.9%	160	6th	61.5%	4th
2	Fist	72.7%	179	4th	69.2%	2nd
3	Dude	71.4%	86	7th	75%	1st
4	Clinician	66.7%	176	5th	58.3%	5th
5	Specialist	50%	81	8th	21.4%	10th
5	Sting	50%	71	9th	36.3%	8th
7	Finisher	38.5%	352	1st	63%	3rd
7	Danny Boy	38.5%	222	2nd	56%	6th
7	Bull	38.5%	207	3rd	42.3%	7th
10	Darkness	14.3%	70	10th	33.3%	9th

There it is in black and white. The Black Bomber is thus far the most successful team player at Dart Club, with a mightily impressive win ratio of 76.9%, and with a singles 301 win ratio of 61.5% he stands fourth, so his current Dart Club Ranking of sixth place is somewhat misleading. Clearly his lack of sexy darts points is hampering his overall rating.

The rising star of Dart Club, the Fist, is a darters second best bet if they want to earn merit points by teaming up with him, as his win ratio of 72.7% puts him in second place. With this in mind, it should come as no surprise that when the Fist and the Black Bomber were partnered up at Ye Olde Watling (Bow Lane) for dartweek seven, they walked away with the grand prize.

The Dude, whose 75% singles win ratio places him as the number one lone gun, and his doubles win ratio is not far behind, a first class 71.4%, means that he is third in the doubles chart, but the only darter at Dart Club with 70%+ win ratio for both singles and doubles. With a more impressive attendance, this darter will surely rise from his lowly seventh Dart Club Ranking placement.

The Clinician, one of the most consistent darters at Dart Club, has achieved mid-table mediocrity on all counts, with a doubles win ratio of 66.7% he is fourth in the doubles chart, with a singles win ratio of 58.3% he is fifth in the singles chart and with 176 Dart Club Ranking System points he is fifth in the Dart Club Rankings. Steady Eddie.

Places eighth and ninth in the Dart Club Ranking System top ten, the Specialist and the Sting offer a 50:50 chance in doubles, however, if you want to be partnered with either you’d probably want to play with the Sting, despite their respective Dart Club Rank, because the Specialist has a singles win ratio of 21.4% and so is tenth out of ten, while the Sting is eighth with 36%.

One of the more startling revelations that resulted from working the doubles win ratios of the top ten darters was that the top three darters according to the Dart Club Ranking System, the Finisher, Danny Boy and the Bull, all have exactly the same doubles win ratio of 38.5%, which places them all equal seventh. Which just goes to show, they are clearly selfish bastards at the oche.

And finally, a word about the Darkness, with five out of nine Dart Clubs attended he finds himself, for the first time, in danger of slipping out of the Dart Club top ten. Ever since that first fateful Dart Club night at the One Tun (Goodge Street), at which he banished the Light, he has remained a Dart Club favourite, and with only one more Dart Club before the big match versus Leicester Dart Club it looked like he would lose his place in the team. And since he stood tenth in the doubles chart and ninth in the singles chart, it is probably just as fucking well.

H is for Happy Birthday (to the Fist)

After Danny Boy had the temerity to book the boozer for the City Gents Dart Club at Ye Olde Watling, Dart Club’s co-chairmen the Bull and the Finisher decided that they had better get a grip and arrange dartweek number eight.

On the advice of leading dartette the Sidewinder, and without guidance from the Finisher, the Bull booked a nice little pub, which shows Sky sports, has a massive Spanish style table footy and, of course, a dartboard. The pub stands on a corner towards the end of St John Street in Clerkenwell, nearest tube is Farringdon, which is on the Circle Line.

NO SPINNING!!!!!!!

So far, so good.

HOWEVER, when viewed on an A-Z street atlas, it clearly shows that the pub in question is actually outside the confines of the yellow one folks. Outside the Circle Line is like scoring a 25 when you’re stuck on 50 needing a finish. It’s just not good enough. Close, but no cigar.

JESUS, what next? Where would this all end? We might as well not have rules.

Darts is all about rules, there are black areas, white areas, red areas and green areas – what there aren’t are grey areas.

There is no place for anarchy in darts.

After the Mountie’s outburst at Ye Olde Watling last dartweek, you would have thought that the Bull, of all people, would have understood the importance of rules, the Finisher was incandescent with rage. How could the Bull be so ridiculous? Why did he listen to a bird?

He had listened to a bird because he is open-minded and that is what Dart Club is all about.

Sure the pub broke one of the most important rules of Dart Club, but is was within easy walking distance of a Circle Line tube station. Just come out of Farringdon, turn left (walking away from the Circle Line…), up Cow Cross Road, you’ll come to St John Street shortly, turn left walk up the slight incline, cross Clerkenwell Road and it is just up there on the right, you recognise it because it is called the Bull.

A-ha! – rumbled. The Bull booked the Bull, well, he’d better hope that there isn’t a pub somewhere outside the Circle Line called the Finisher.

The Bull it turns out is a shabby looking hole, and the pub isn’t much better. BOOM, BOOM!

Thankfully, the bar staff are 0% Australian and double thankfully they are 0% incompetent Spanish bird. They are friendly, helpful and efficient, if a bit studenty.

Friendly, helpful and efficient - if a bit studenty

However, you’ll be disappointed if you make the effort to get there, because the Bull was due to close down for a refurb after DC attended. It's now a gasto pub called the Queen Boadicea and there's no dart board. Which kind of makes this chapter redundant. But as it was outside the Circle Line anyway, it doesn’t really matter.

Even if the pub had Kelly Brook and Cameron Diaz behind the bar serving free beer, with Guns’n’Roses on the juke box, a pristine, spot-lit dartboard and was open for all eternity, and that includes after 23:00doors – it would all be for nothing. Rules is rules. So far the rule that states the pub must be inside the Circle Line has not been formalised, so just for the record:

The seventh rule of Dart Club is, the pub must be inside the Circle Line.

However, despite the fact that the Bull is outside the Circle Line, Dart Club had attracted the usual suspects, including rising star of Dart Club, the Fist, who after only two previous visits had amassed 94 Dart Club Ranking System points and stood at a dizzying fifth place. And for that we are to be eternally grateful, not just because he is an excellent dartist, but also because it was the night of his 30th birthday, something of a milestone in birthday terms. And what better way is there to celebrate such a fine achievement than attending Dart Club?

Well, if the pub was within the Circle Line, maybe that would have been better, but there you go. It was just as well the Fist had turned up too, because it was his ingenious use of his ‘hands free’ mobile phone gadetry that was used to rig up a light to light up the dartboard.

So to honour the Fist it was declared that should a Dart Clubber score a 30 whilst in open play, he would have to buy himself and the Fist a sambuca, the Fist was reluctant to comply since his missus had booked a ridiculously early flight the next day as a special birthday surprise, but peer group pressure won him over in the end.

Early flight? Pah! I'll stay up all night

The game to be played at the Bull, was the appropriately enough named Bulley’s Special Prize. Based loosely on the 1980s TV quiz masterpiece hosted by disgraced racialstical comedian Jim Bowen, this darts competition will sort the bulls from the bullocks.

NOTE: the following text is taken from the Lancashire Evening Telegraph and is not super, smashing nor great.

Jim Bowen retires after on-air comments to black woman

Jim Bowen has retired from showbusiness after making a racially offensive comment to a black woman on live radio.
According to the Lancashire Evening Telegraph, Mr Bowen used the term "nig-nog" during his BBC radio show The Happy Daft Farm.
The former Bullseye host told the Evening Telegraph he had decided to quit because the management didn't deserve "any further difficulties".
A BBC spokesman told Ananova: "During Jim Bowen's programme on BBC Radio Lancashire he used unacceptable and racially offensive language.
"Later in the show he issued a frank apology for his earlier comments.
"Jim was called to a formal meeting by managers who sought reassurances from him that there would be no repetition of such language. Subsequently, however, Jim tendered his resignation and this has been accepted."
Mr Bowen told the paper: "No racial connotation was ever intended and, having said all that, I should have been sharp enough to correct the error.
"I almost immediately apologised for it as it was, to say the least, not clever. The expression I used would identify with the youngsters who were last to be picked in a football team or perhaps weren't the sharpest knife in the box.
"I was 65 in August and perhaps this was nature's way of telling me that I was not up to speed with modern connotations to survive in the current broadcasting climate."
When asked if he would be retiring after the incident, he told the Evening Telegraph: "Yes, although in this business you don't actually retire."
Story filed: 15:35 Monday 7th October 2002

Anyway, Bulley’s Special Prize was not in honour of Jim Bowen who is clearly struggling to come to terms with acceptable behaviour, it was in honour of darts, quizzes and of course, the Fist.

It had been three months since the First Dart Club at which there was a quiz. Dart Club came fourth but darts was the winner that night. At the Bull everybody would be a winner, and not just the darts.

There is no right or wrong way to play Bulley’s Special Prize, it is not a recognised darts game, but if you have no imagination you could copy the way Dart Club played. Dart Club was separated randomly into four teams of three – Dart Clubbers contributed £2 each for the glittering prize, as yet unveiled.

The Bull and Finisher would be the quiz masters, thus breaking with another Dart Club tradition, in that they are usually the only Dart Clubbers who play the new game.

Each team answered questions taken from 1980s domestic quiz board game favourite Trivial Pursuit.

1, 18, 4 = G for geography
13, 6, 10 = E for entertainment
15, 2, 17 = H for history
19, 7, 16 = AL for art and literature
8, 11, 14 = SN for science and nature
9, 12, 5 = SL for sports and leisure

NOTE: the 20 and 3 segments were void.

Each team took it in turns to throw a single dart at the board answering a question according to where in the board they threw the dart. When the team answered the question correctly, it received three darts to throw at the board, the points scored became that team’s running total.

After each team member had had two attentions at the oche, the two teams with the highest running total progressed to the semi-final play-off. In the semi-final play-off the teams got the opportunity to win selected prizes, ten in all.

Starting with the team who scored the highest running total during the opening round, players aimed for white segments, which revealed mystery prizes. Stay out of the black and in the white – you get nothing for this game if you are a bit shite.

A team at a time, with three darts per team, players needed to land their darts in the white segments. Each white segment carried a prize as was mentioned previously. However, the team only won the prize when they answered a Triv question correctly. The question in question that was asked was determined by the throw of a dart (according to the table above) – one question per white segment landed dart.

The team that won the most prizes in the semi-final play-off then got the opportunity to gamble its winnings for the chance to win Bulley’s Special Prize.

The gamble is this: Only one member of the winning team gets to keep the big prize. And all the smaller prizes are then played-off for by the six dartists who didn’t get through to the semi-final play-off. Each player in the team threw one dart at the bull’s-eye, thus determining the order of play. Then according to the order of play each player took three darts to hit the 25/bull’s-eye section. The first player to hit the target scooped the glittering prize.

Here were the teams:

Team A	Team B	Team C	Team D
Darkness	Sting	Feather	Danny Boy
Dude	Aristocrat	Mountie	Mincer (new)
Fist	Shaman	Boot (new)	Clinician

May the quiz commence:

The Bull gets quizzical

Team A – the Darkness scored a four – Geography

Team A, which Arctic city boasts the world’s largest navel base?

(Bloody hell, it’s a bit more tricky than the questions on Bullseye the TV show)

Answer, Vladivostok – incorrect, the Arctic city that boasts the world’s largest navel base is Murmansk.

Team B – the Sting scored an 11 – Science & Nature

Team B, what letter usually appears between 340 and 20 on a compass graduated in 20 degrees?

Answer, N – the correct answer. The Sting then registered 31 points for his team.

Team C – the Feather was taking a dump, so in his stead stood the Mountie, who scored 12 – Sport & Leisure

Team C, which year saw all four home countries reach the finals of the soccer World Cup?

Answer, 1982 – incorrect, the answer on the card is 35.

Team D – Danny Boy scored a two – History

Team D, which Labour MP once called tiny Colin Moynihan “the Miniature of Sport”?

Answer, Tony Banks – incorrect, it was in fact Dennis Skinner.

After one round only Team B had registered a point. Round two wasn’t much better, Team D knew that it was Stalin who was quoted as saying “a single death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic”, with their three darts they scored 42 points and went into the lead. Another highlight of the round was when Team B successfully talked itself out of the fact that it is the Jockey Club that runs British horse racing, opting instead for something that one of them made up.

By the time round three happened Dart Club was getting frustrated, the questions were turning out to be quite difficult. Thankfully, round three was slightly easier, to say the least. Team A knew that CCTV stood for Closed Circuit Television and registered 45 points, and Team B knew that it was Hercules whose first labour it was to kill the Namean Lion, they registered 54 points taking their running total to 85. Team D can feel a little hard done by, when they gave their final answer of 49km as the length of the Channel Tunnel, the Clinician shouted “isn’t it 50?” just as the Bull revealed that is was 50, but he stood firm and accepted the team’s original answer.

After 12 gruelling questions, Team B was in the lead with 54 points, Team A was second with 45 points and Team D had 42. After another 12 questions Team B had racked up 168 points, so proved themselves to be the brainboxes of Dart Club, Team D were runners-up with 136 points. Team C got only one question right but threw well so came third with 60 and the woodenspoonlists were Team A, who were not only dim-witted, but also bad a darts, scoring a meagre 45 points – perhaps all of his birthday sambucas were effecting the Fist. Teams B and D would progress to the semi-final play-off.

The prizes were announced.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne five – let me entertain you, while you’re on the move with this miniature Sony portable radio. This prize was won by the Aristocrat for Team B.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne six – for all you budding deejays out there, this expansive eclectic mix of records really is murder on the dance floor. This prize was won by the Mincer for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne one – improve your home library and general knowledge with this collection of niche reference texts. This prize was won by Danny Boy for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne four – never lose keys individually again, with this fine Eontec sponsored key-fob you can go out on the lash and get locked out of your home and your car. This prize was won by the Mincer for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne seventeen – impress the chicks at your local discotheque with spiky, glow in the dark hair gel stuff. This prize was won by the Shamon for Team B.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne sixteen – never get dazzled again, with these cool Ali G style sunglasses. This prize was won by the Clinician for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne fifteen – be the envy of the San Siro with this redundant Ronaldo Inter scarf. This prize was won by the Clinician for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne Nineteen – Never be late for Dart Club again with this early eighties retro Casio digital wristwatch. This prize was won by the Mincer for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne Eleven – The owner of these CDs (the Clinician) might want them back, but he hasn’t been bothered enough to pick them up from the Finisher’s flat for the past 18 months, so he can stuff off. This prize was won by Danny Boy for Team D

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne Nine – If you’ve got no hair, this prize is guaranteed to keep your bald pate warm. It’s a travel hairdryer. This prize was won by the Sting for Team B.

The Clinician is in da house

Team D had scooped seven of the available prizes and elected to gamble their booty for a chance to win Bulley’s Special Prize. All three darters threw one dart to determine who would throw first. Newcomer the Mincer was closest, followed by the Clinician and finally Danny Boy. The Mincer was first up to the oche. Who would hit 25/bull’s-eye first?

They’d come a long way, they’d had a good day and they’d decided to gamble it all for the big one. Only one of them would be walking away happy and it was, in fact, the Mincer, whose third dart landed in the 25. The Bull then handed over a brand new dartboard to the Mincer, he was well chuffed, but a bit gutted that it wasn’t a speedboat.

The Mincer wanted a speedboat really

However, no one goes home empty handed, the two unlucky finalists received brand new, top of the range darts sharpeners.

All that remained was for the Finisher to win the resurrected 501 challenge, scooping £50.

Sparrow's kneecaps

Interestingly, the Mincer elected not to enter the 501 challenge, obviously keen to keep his fiver entry fee to himself, which is not what Dart Club is all about. Only one person went home from the Bull empty handed that night, ironically enough, it was the Bull.

However, he can take some consolation from the fact that he notched a 120 during a game of 301 after the 501 challenge, thus earning enough Dart Club Ranking System points to leap frog the Clinician into third spot overall. And that indeed was the only positional change in the Dart Club top ten, which now looks like this:

1 (1)	Finisher	317 (300)
2 (2)	Danny Boy	222 (186)
3 (4)	Bull	155 (152)
4 (3)	Clinician	152 (124)
5 (5)	Fist	110 (94)
6 (6)	Black Bomber	90 (90)
7 (7)	Dude	86 (86)
8 (8)	Specialist	81 (81)
9 (9)	Darkness	70 (65)
10 (10)	Wrist	58 (38)
10	Hammer	58 (58)

Dartweek eight represented the first occasion when there were no new entries into the top ten according to the Dart Club Ranking System, in fact there was very little movement at all, the market, is seemed, was starting to mature. Eight games down and 18 to go, over one quarter of the way there. The graph below shows Dart Club Ranking System points going back five weeks, when the Dart Club Ranking System was first introduced at the Bricklayer’s Arms (Gresse Street).

Meaningless chart shows pointless stuff

The Finisher remains head and shoulders above the competition, this is entirely down to his seven 100s, three 120s and one 140 – sexy darts indeed. He has also registered 11 Pub Scores, three more than his nearest rival Danny Boy.

Danny Boy’s graph shows that he is catching the Finisher, his position owes a good deal to his three 100s and one 120, he is also the third most prolific darter having competed in no less than 50 games so far (compared with the Finisher’s 53 games).

The Bull, who moved into the top three for the first time has competed in 51 different games, but it took until the night at the Bull before he registered any sexy darts, his 120 being enough to usurp the Clinician.

The Clinician can take solace in the fact the he has attended two less Dart Clubs than the Bull and has a much higher 301 win ratio. Not has high as fifth placed the Fist or seventh placed the Dude, who with a 75% win ratio would be the top ten chart topper.

Indeed the table below shows what the Dart Club top ten would look like if the Dart Club Ranking System revolved by 301 win ratios alone. Interestingly* the Darkness is the only dartist whose official Dart Club ranking matches his 301 wins ratio...

1	Dude	75%
2	Fist	73%
3	Wrist	72%
4	Finisher	68%
5	Clinician	65%
6	Danny Boy	56%
7	Black Bomber	36%
8	Bull	35%
9	Darkness	33%
10	Specialist	21%

The Hammer has been excluded from this table, despite making the Dart Club Ranking System top ten, he has a 301 win ratio of 0%, and is only in the top ten because his partner, the Dude, scored a very sexy 140 in a game of doubles at Ye Olde Watling two weeks before.

The Dart Clubber with the best 301 win ratio on the night (and darts is very much on the night) was the Mincer, with his played one, won one record he remained unbeaten at the oche, and so a deserved winner of Bulley’s Special Prize.

*yes, I know it's not actually interesting.

G is for gent, City gent

After six Dart Club meetings, 38 darters had attended, throwing somewhere in the region of 17,000 darts, plenty of new ideas had been thrown into the Dart Club hat too.

But essentially its driving forces, the Bull and the Finisher had organised practically everything so far. They’d emailed their mates, they’d found some pubs near where they worked that had a dartboard, they’d come up with some darts games. It may sound like a couple of mates organising a night out, but you’d be surprised at how many passengers there are in life.

Some people go through life thinking things just happen, well in some instances things do just happen, but if you want to control your destiny the best thing to do is organise things yourself.

This philosophy had worked so far for the Bull and the Finisher. But things were about to change. They were no longer entirely in control of the Dart Club destiny. Danny Boy, Dart Club Ranking System’s number two booked the boozer for the seventh Dart Club.

Jesus. And, he and his mates formed Son of Dart Club. Did Dart Club have a splitter? A turncoat? A cheater? No, of course not, Danny Boy was simply exerting his right to control his destiny. If only a few more people would do this, the world would be a more interesting place.

Danny Boy works in the City. Once again for the benefit of anybody who resides in the provinces, the City, is the heart of the financial district of the city of London. AKA, the Square Mile.

This relatively small patch of earth creates one third of the entire GDP of the UK, that means if the Square Mile was three square miles big is would be able to be its own country, and a wealthier one than the one its in at the moment. We’re talking BIG money.

Dart Club’s Danny Boy is a City gent. Again for the benefit of all you hapless northerners out there, who still think talking to strangers is acceptable social etiquette, the sort of people out there who shudder at the thought of paying £5 for a beer, the sort of people who say “ooh, I ‘ate London me” in a quirky accent, despite the fact that you’ve never actually been, a City gent is a bowler hat wearing, pin-stripped suit wearing, Financial Times carrying, red braces wearing, cane handled umbrella walking with, Italian brogue footweared, walking cliché.

The city gent works in a bank and lives in Surrey. He earns the kind of money that means he doesn’t flinch when the Aussie behind the bar asks him for £5 in return for the watered down lager.

It was decided that attendees should try and blend into their surroundings for the first City-based Dart Club, and a glittering prize would be awarded for the Dart Clubber who most resembled a City Gent.

Danny Boy had booked a boozer in the City, but it was still within the Circle Line, he knew the rules, he was one of only four people who had now attended all six Dart Clubs so far.

Danny Boy had booked what he called the Watling Arms, which he described as being on Watling Street, at the bottom of Bow Lane, nearest tube is Mansion House.

However, the Finisher is a tenacious truth seeker, he doesn’t like having his destiny sorted out too much, and doesn’t trust anyone at all. And it’s just as well really, on Friday, after work he decided to go down and check out the Watling Arms, only to discover that it doesn’t exist.

On coming out of exit four at Mansion House tube, the Finisher sourced an ATM just round the corner to the right is an HSBC, he then walked up Bow Lane, came to Watling Street – no sign of the Watling Arms (it doesn’t exist, but the Finisher didn’t know that yet).

The Finisher had faith in Danny Boy, however, he realised that the City gent in question had booked somewhere that does exist, so set about trying to find the booked boozer.

Cutting a long story short, Danny Boy had actually booked Ye Olde Watling. NOT the Watling Arms. They’ve both got Watling in the name, but that’s where the similarity ends. Since one exists and the other doesn’t.

What’s more (or should that be Watling’s more?) Ye Olde Watling sits on the CORNER of Bow Lane and Watling Street, not in fact at the bottom of Bow Lane.

The Finisher had arranged to meet the Clinician there at 18:00doors, the Clinician is also a City gent, so would have a ten minute walk to make, which means that the Finisher was pretty pissed off when he strolled in half an hour late.

It seems that the City gents are a little slap dash when it comes to the important details in life, like pub names and addresses, and punctuality. Fuck knows how they all make so much money.

Thankfully, Ye Olde Watling is 0% Australian bar-staffed. Unthankfully, it is 100% incompetent Spanish bird bar-staffed. And to make matters worse, they’re a bit ropey on the eye.

Now Spanish girls are usually very pretty (until they get old and fat) but not the ones in the Ye Olde Watling, who can’t pour a pint or remember simple orders.

Ye Olde Watling serves XXXX, Uri (Geller, Stella, geddit?) and a wide selection of hand pulled beers that you would do well to avoid, since the bar staff are so useless. There is a restaurant upstairs too, which no doubt serves honest fare. But most importantly there is a back room that features a fruity, a red baize pool table and, of course, a dartboard – which is not of the highest quality but serviceable nevertheless.

The Finisher and Clinician set about putting in some much needed practise at the oche. They also set about reminiscing the previous evening’s entertainment. Which sounds a bit seedy, but was in no way seedy.

The previous night, the Finisher and the Clinician had gone to their local boozer in Camberwell, Doyle’s Bar at the end of Shenley Road. It’s well outside the Circle Line, but deserves a mention, mainly because it is one of the best pubs in the world, with the friendliest bar staff. And, quite coincidentally, Vernon Kay (off Family Fortunes)'s favourite bar.

Doyle’s bar has a public bar with a pool table and Sky sports, and it has a backroom with a big projector screen for footy and a spot-lit dartboard in pristine condition.

The Finisher and the Clinician were having a few friendly games, then in walked Bob – captain of Doyle’s Bar darts team. The Finisher and Clinician had spent a very enjoyable Sunday in the company of Bob and Doyle’s Bar darts team a few weeks previously but thought nothing more of it. Now here they were in Doyle’s and in walks Bob, Thursday, it turns out, is darts night at Doyle’s. The team were hosting a league tie versus Peckham Rye’s the Ivy House and they were missing certain squad members.

They quickly acquired two new squad members. The Finisher and Clinician were signed up, although both decided to drop their darts monikers for the evening, it seemed a bit silly and somehow disrespectful.

They also decided to break the first rule of Dart Club and not talk about Dart Club, for now, that would come later.

The Finisher realised that he had stumbled across a potential core readership. Darts is bigger than you’d think. There are ten teams in each of the two divisions of the Southwark and Dulwich Darts League, each team has eight players, but have squads of up to 15, that’s 300 darters.

If every one of the 31 London boroughs has about the same numbers, that would be 9300 potential regular darters, who would almost all buy a book called Dart Club (probably), which if it retailed at about a tenner would be £93,000. Not bad. And that doesn’t include all the casual and potential darters, you could probably double that figure. Phew, that’d be nearly 200grand (maybe it’d be worth charging £12.99).

By 21:00doors Doyle’s was rammed with some serious darters. How would it work, both teams were written down on a blackboard, Bob explained the format would be two fours, four pairs, eight singles and all-in 1001, which means 15 games, so the first to eight wins. Which made absolutely no sense whatsoever at the time, but everyone else seemed to understand and instinctively know when it was their turn. Still, the Finisher and Clinician only had academic experience to fall back on, whereas everyone else had definitely been to one of the best Universities of Life in the country.

The Clinician and Finisher were pretty seasoned darters, in Dart Club circles, but compared to the Doyle’s team they were complete novices. Bob and the gang had been playing darts together in south London for the past 30 years, week in, week out they represent Doyle’s in the Premier Division of the Southwark and Dulwich Dart League. And it showed. The Finisher and Clinician acquitted themselves fairly well, although neither won their games both did come close to a finish.

In fact Doyle’s had a fairly torrid time at the hands of the Ivy House, winning just four of the 15 games in total. Bob had expected the Ivy House to be good, it turned out that Doyle’s field a stronger team in the Wednesday league, they even win trophies, not surprisingly the Finisher and Clinician weren’t asked to join the Wednesday league.

Still, Thursday was good enough, the team usually ended up mid-table and mediocrity is often best, if you’re good you get disappointed when you don’t win and if you’re shite, well you’re shite and no one likes being shite. It would be difficult to make every Thursday, but one they would definitely make was the match against the Prince Albert, which is on Bellenden Road – I kid you not, someone somewhere has a great sense of humour.

The pressure at the oche was immense, unlike at Dart Club where standers-by are a fairly rowdy crowd, placing side bets and heckling in a drunken fashion, in the Southwark and Dulwich Darts League, team members and fans are expected to remain absolutely silent whilst play is in progress.

The only people allowed to speak are the players and the caller. In fact, if truth be told the players should keep vocalisations to a minimum too. The pulse rate quickens, the darter become completely focused, Phil the Power Taylor is right, darts is 90% in the head. And on the big stage few people really play their best darts. Anyone can score sexy darts in practise or in friendly matches with their mates, in real competition it’s a bit different.

Back in Ye Olde Watling, the seventh Dart Club game to be played was based on bowls. Crown green bowls in fact. You might not be old enough to wear a flat cap and smoke a pipe without feeling like a spanker. But that won’t stop you playing this game.

This is a game for two players ideally, but you’ll need seven darts. Each player takes three darts and the spare acts as a jack (or target). If you haven’t got a jack dart, you should use the bull’s-eye as the target. Each player takes it in turns to get as near to the jack as possible throwing one dart at a time.

You score one point if your dart is closer. You score two points if you have two closer darts. And guess what? You score three points if all three of your darts are closer. An alternative scoring method is taking the points total of the bed that the nearer dart(s) falls in, that way you can get bigger scores and it also opens it up to being a bit more random, which seems to make gambling more fun. The combination of skill plus a certain amount of uncertainty is a sure-fire winner. Players should pick an arbitrary number of points per game and then say first to three games wins or something.

Breaking with tradition the first dart of a Dart Club night would not be thrown by either of the chairmen. It was, in fact, thrown by leading dartette the Sidewinder. Who was given the honour of throwing the jack dart.

The Bull and the Finisher decided to use the higher scoring method of scoring points according to the bed the nearer dart lands in, rather than the traditional bowls lower scoring method, they also decided that the first to reach 26 would be the winner. What with 26 being a pub score and 26 projected Dart Clubs during the year, it seemed somehow appropriate.

The Sidewinder threw the jack dart quite close to the bull’s-eye, landing in the 17. After three darts apiece the Finisher had one dart closer to the jack and in the 15 segment.

The Sidewinder started the second round throwing the jack into the five bed, in the outer circle, quite close to the double-circle. This was playing right into the hands of the Finisher, who’s height advantage meant that hitting the higher reaches of the darts board was a simpler task.

Cutting a long story short, out of three darts apiece, two of the Finisher’s were closer to the jack, one in the five and one in the 20, he had easily exceeded 26 and won the one and only game of darts bowls played that night. And in another first for Dart Club this would be the first time the Finisher had beaten the Bull in the opening novelty game.

At the Archery Tavern, it was suggested that the Bull would be like Sir Walter Raleigh because he sunk the Finisher’s armada at battleships, but Sir Walter was indeed more of a bowls man, so maybe the Bull should be Horatio Nelson and the Finisher should be Wally.

Dart Clubbers were starting to arrive in droves. Dart Club was a victim of its own success at the Angel the previous outing, with record numbers attending. However, the press release had garnered very little interest from the nationals.

The Bull and Finisher decided that in order to get plenty of games, lots should be drawn and a doubles competition would be played, with each tie consisting of a best of three match, for the maff simpletons out there, that means the first to win two games takes the match. The competition would cater for 16 darters in all, with the opening round looking like this:

Finisher & Sidewinder v Bomber & Fist

Feather & Mountie v Shaman & Wrist

Danny Boy & Bull v Sting & Tongue

Hammer & Dude v Growler & Bubble

The first tie of the round saw the Finisher and Sidewinder take on the Black Bomber and the Fist. With a substantially higher Dart Club ranking the Torvill and Dean of Dart Club looked fairly strong. The Sidewinder’s jack throwing had proved lucky for the Finisher in bowls, maybe lady luck would be on their side in the doubles.

The first leg was a close run affair, with both pairings on a finish after 21 darts, the Black Bomber and Fist came through first. In the second leg the Black Bomber and Fist sealed victory after 21 darts, with the opposing numbers requiring 127 – a white wash.

The next tie saw the Feather and Mountie take on the Wrist and the Shaman, the Wrist was a proven darter, but the Shaman was an unknown quantity. The proven darters took the first leg, while the Wrist and Shaman were victorious in the second leg. The third and final leg went to penalties and ended in controversy when the Shaman threw his dart and it landed in the 25 section of the bull’s-eye. The Mountie was incensed by the ruling that meant the Shaman and Wrist won the tie automatically, without giving him the opportunity to go for the bull’s-eye, proper.

The Shaman is a penalty winner

Some ugly scenes unfolded at Ye Olde Watling, the likes of which had never been encountered. The Mountie called into question the validity of the ruling, accusing the Bull and Finisher of foul play. Using some very colourful language, what our north American cousin had forgotten was that the referee’s decision is final. Something that gets drummed into every schoolboy footballer who question’s the game’s teacher’s ropey off-side decisions.

Obviously, questioning the referee’s decision has become fairly common in English professional football, no doubt due to the influx of foreign stars, who whilst being blessed with silky skills, are infamous cheats and charlatans.

Unfortunately, the aping of TV sport stars has become fairly common in school-yards across the land, but Dart Club had never seen anything like that. The Mountie was in breach of Dart Club etiquette and was fortunate not to receive a ban, and further disciplinary action. However, worse was to follow, when the Mountie released this ill-advised (and poorly written) press release: Which would result in the birth of Dart Club rule number six:

The sixth rule of Dart Club is, do not question the Bull or the Finisher – this is not a democracy.

Dart Fix Scandal

London (Reuters) – Reports are emerging today of an alleged match fixing scandal in last nights Circle Line Dart Club team competition. In the final leg of a three leg competition, new arrival “The Shaman” hit what was obviously a 25 in an attempt to hit the Bull’s Eye. Canadian darts legend “The Mountie” vehemently protested to the CLDC Chairman “The Bull” who stated the rules “could not be changed”. The Bull, who was later seen accepting a brown envelope from a tout, has been linked to former FA Chief Executive Adam Cozier’s position, and may be wanting to leave with an extra golden hand shake for his efforts in bringing the CLDC to eminence through the lucrative tv deal signed earlier with ITV Sports. In a hastily arranged press conference from his log cabin, the Mountie specifically outlined his charge- “the records clearly show that a 25 was awarded for this dart. A 25 does not in any way merit a Bull’s Eye award as it is the 50 that is the actual Bull’s Eye. I would like to commend my competitors for taking every advantage of a dodgy ruling, but the situation exists where the establishment is bloated.” The Bull and his henchman The Finisher were unavailable for comment.

More to follow.

NOW THEN. The Mountie’s sour grapes and libellous comments could well land him in deep water, on a number of counts.

1) The press release is clearly not the work of a Reuters’ journalist, it contains numerous grammatical errors, sloppy punctuation and spelling mistakes, and Reuters would be well placed should it decide to sue the Mountie.
2) The Bull did not accept a brown envelope from anyone at any stage.
3) The Bull has not “been linked to former FA Chief Executive Adam Cozier’s position”. Or indeed former FA chief executive Adam Crozier’s former position.
4) Dart Club has not signed a deal with ITV Sports.
5) The Mountie does not own a log cabin.
6) The Finisher is not the Bull’s “henchman”.
7) A penalties precedent had been set at the Archery Tavern, the fist time that the penalties system was introduced and employed. In a match between the Bubble and the Black Bomber, the Black Bomber progressed to the next round of the Dart Club FA Challenge Cup by scoring a 25. On that occasion, an occasion at which the Mountie was present, the Bubble accepted the ruling in good grace.

With tie two out of the way and the controversial dust settled, the tournament favourites Danny Boy and Bull would take on the Sting and newcomer the Tongue. The favourites needed penalties to beat the underdogs, an onlooker would never have guessed that 246 Dart Club Ranking System points separate the two teams. Obviously, the Mountie’s allegations were playing on the mind of the Bull. He regained his composure in the second leg as he and Danny Boy romped into the semi-final.

The next round saw a return of the Dude, who at the previous meeting had won the bingo, won on the fruity and won the only game of 301 he played with a three dart, double top exit, accruing 20 Dart Club Ranking System points into the bargain – so was clearly one to look out for. He was paired with newcomer the Hammer against, newcomer the Growler and Dart Club ranked number 11, the Bubble.

The Dude and the Hammer took the first leg, with the former scoring a very sexy darts 140 – a Dart Club record for the highest score, shared with the Finisher, and under doubles rulings, the Hammer would be entitled to the Dart Club Ranking System points too. It might seem unfair that both players should benefit form such a high total, why not split the points? Because that would be too complicated in the end, that’s why. Besides as a doubles player, effectively you share responsibility for every dart thrown, irrespective of whether you actually throw the dart. The Bubble and the Growler took the next leg, while the third leg was taken by the Dude and the Hammer. The semi-final looked like this:

Dude & Hammer v Shaman & Wrist

Bomber & Fist v Bull & Danny Boy

Without the chance to come up for air the Dude and the Hammer were straight back on the oche, this obviously worked in their favour, being nicely warmed up they took the first leg of the semi-final. Though, by now the Dude and Hammer had been at the oche for four games, and fatigue was starting to set in, the Shaman and Wrist were looking fresher and after the first leg warm up they went on to take the next two legs coming from behind, the old army way. Once again the Wrist had made it into a final.

The second tie would be a corker. On paper the Bull and Danny Boy would be favourite, but the Fist and Bomber had despatched Dart Club’s Torvill and Dean in the previous round without too much fuss, and the Fist was proving to be the rising star of Dart Club. Both legs went to the wire, but the Fist and Black Bomber proved to be unstoppable, winning both.

Bomber & Fist v Shaman & Wrist

En route to the final the Black Bomber and Fist had not lost a single leg. And although the Shaman and Wrist had made it through to the final, their route had been somewhat simpler. The Shaman and Wrist had been taken to the wire, needing all three legs in their two previous outings. The grand finale did not throw up any surprises, as the Fist and Black Bomber won 2-zip.

If the night had been hosting a snooker ace Ray Reardon look-a-like competition or even more randomly a Dodgy Spanish Barmaid look-a-like competition, then the Black Bomber would have won hands and snooker cues down.

The Black Bomber is Ray Reardon	The Black Bomber is also a barmaid

Dart Clucb though was neither hosting a snooker Ray Reardon look-a-like competition nor a Dodgy Spanish Barmaid look-a-like competition, it was holding a City Gent look-a-like competition. And the winner newcomer the Growler, who had the advantage of actually being a City gent. He was sporting a neat chalk stripe three piece suit, very loud stripy shirt and tie combo with a pair of Italian brogues, so scooped the glittering prize, the board game Stockmarket, for ages 15 to adult.

The Growler is the City Gent

But what had the night’s activities done to the Dart Club Ranking System top ten?

1 (1)	Finisher	300 (287)
2 (2)	Danny Boy	186 (162)
3 (3)	Clinician	124 (124)
4 (4)	Bull	118 (103)
5 (9)	Fist	94 (41)
6 (7)	Black Bomber	90 (55)
7 (17)	Dude	83 (20)
8 (5)	Specialist	81 (81)
9 (6)	Darkness	65 (65)
10 (10)	Wrist	58 (34)
10	Hammer	58

Well, there was no change at the top four, but the Fist flew up the table, as did the Dude, if they continue their fine form, they could well be challenging the Bull for third spot. The Bomber scored big to move up one spot, knocking the Specialist and Darkness, neither of whom was able to attend, down into eighth and ninth place respectively. The Wrist maintained tenth spot, but was joined by the Hammer, who due to picking up massive raking systems points when his partner the Dude scored a 140, found himself on 58 points overall.

In the end though Dart Club was the winner

F is for full housey

The trip out to Lancaster Gate had been fun, going on the tubes and stuff is always exciting* except on the odd occasions when it’s massively delayed or just sits in a tunnel for ages due to signal problems on the northbound track, even though you’re on the southbound one, or when it’s really packed in the middle of summer with no air conditioning and you have to ram yourself in like a sardine, then people start pushing and shoving, saying:

“Can you move down please?”
“Oh aye, where to? You daft sod, I tell you what, I’ll levitate shall I? I’ll just float up above everyone’s heads and lie floating horizontally?”

*Actually, tube trips are seldom fun and rarely exciting. Especially, now you can’t even have a can of booze to keep you company.

Dart Club decided against taking the tube for Dartweek Six, since the tube is a royal pain in the arse at rush hour and not unlike the Pet Shop Boys, the Dart Club boys are also West End boys at heart. They would be keeping the venue centrally locatorized.

Now, strictly speaking, the west African nation of Ghana is as West End central as you can get, since it lies on both the equator and the Greenwich Meridian—the bull’s-eye of the world, as it were. However, Dart Club would not be flying to Accra for Dartweek Six. It’s unlikely that the staunch and avid DC faithful would stump up the cost of a flight. There’s faithful and there’s mental. Although, often the two are not mutually exclusive.

The Clinician (like Adrian Mole) might well have suggested his home town of Ashby-de-la-Zouche, in Leicestershire, as a possible destination for a central Dart Club. Since it is claimed by residents and backed up by cartographers, that Ashby is as far from the coast as it is possible to get in Engerland and is thus at its centre point.

It might be in Engerland, but it might as well be Accra since it too is miles outside the comfortable confines of the Circle Line. If the Circle Line were the centre of bull’s-eye, Ashby would be about treble five. Dart Club must stay in the Smoke. And as every Londonerer cockerney barra-boy knows, there is nowhere more central in the whole wide world, than Centre Point.

For those of you that live in the sticks, Centre Point is a crappy excuse of a sky-scraper that sits on the junction of Oxford Street and Tottenhamhotspur Court Road, there is a bar at ground level, which isn’t too bad although it does have more than a passing resemblance to an upmarket bus station, what it doesn’t have though is a dartboard. There is a snooker hall underneath Centre Point, it has plenty of snooker tables, some pool tables, a fruity or two and is full of low-lifes, but what it doesn’t have is a dartboard.

Luckily enough though the Angel does have one. The Angel is on St Giles High Street, which is kind of behind Centre Point to the south a bit. The best way of getting there is by coming out of Tottenhamhotspur Court Road tube station and walking south down Charring Cross Road, taking the first left and following the road round, the boozer isn’t immediately obvious, but keep on following the road around and you will find it – from the outside it doesn’t really drag you in. But believe you us, it’s worth it.

The Angel is split in two. One half is denoted the ‘lounge’ don’t go in that bit if you want darts, go in the other half which is the ‘public bar’. It’s a Sam Smiths pub, like the Champion and the Bricklayer’s Arms (Dartweeks two and four), which means they mainly serve fairly respectable German beers and at a very reasonable price. They do serve food in the Angel, although no one at Dart Club sampled the fodder.

The dartboard is in a fairly poor state of repair, although not as bad as the Lyric. The oche looked to be about the correct distance from the board, but dangerously, the door to the gents opens out in the line of fire of the darters!!!!

The landlord had better hope no one from Sam Smith’s health and safety is reading this, because they’ll be getting on their high viz jacket and steelies and closing the place down before you can say “lawsuit. It’s an accident waiting to happen.

If you try and reserve the dartboard be prepared for the landlord to introduce his all new alternative system of booking.

“Hi, we’d like to book the dartboard please.”
“OK no problem, what time?”
“Well 5:30 please.”
“OK, I tell you what, I’ll put a sign up saying the board is booked at five, but if someone comes in and wants to play, I won’t kick them off.”

You wouldn’t get that kind of treatment in the Archery Tavern, that’s for sure. Mainly, of course, because it’s shut down….

In the event though, on the night of dartweek six the Bull, the Finisher, the Sidewinder, the Dude (newcomer) and the Power strolled into the pub to find the dartboard pretty vacant. Phew.

The new game for week six was to be darts bingo. For anyone out there who was brought up in the Amazon basin and has recently gotten a broadband connection or has recently suffered severe head trauma and forgotten everything, bingo is a gambling game directed at grannies.

What happens is the grannies all buy a card or two and the cards are decorated with a smattering of numbers from one to 100. A ‘caller’ then pulls balls (numbered one to 100) one at a time from a spinny thing, then shouts (or calls) out whichever number he pulled out. If the number called appears on you’re the granny’s card, she marks it off.

If they manage to strike off all the numbers on their card(s) they shout ‘HOUSE!’ and win.

Darts bingo is slightly different. As you can probably imagine.

In darts bingo entrants should choose four numbers from 1-10 for the top row, four numbers from 11-20 for the second row and four ‘special targets’, each of the targets should be a double or a treble (including the 25/bull).

Then allow normal games of 301 darts to proceed. The entrants should strike off their numbers when they are hit on the dartboard during whatever game people are playing, the first person to get the first two rows and one off the bottom (i.e. one of the special ‘targets’) wins whatever money is in the pot.

This is one of the few darts games that you can play when you can’t actually get on the dartboard. Of course if you are playing at the same time, it gives you an unfair advantage, because you can aim at the numbers on your card. But nobody said life was fair.

The Bull and the Finisher painstakingly marked out about 100 bingo cards on the back of some old business cards in anticipation of Dart Club. The self styled (and titled) dynamic duo had also marked one number from the first or second row with a circle, the idea being that if anyone hit one of that numbers marked with a circle the hitter had to buy the hittee a drink of their choosing.

Those present at Dart Club then split up and had a game of doubles, everybody bought a bingo card, except the Power who is a tight arse, fortunately the Darkness had arrived and so that made the prize money a respectable £5.

The Finnisher and the Bull kicked off the game, and the Bull got closest to the bull even though the Finisher got really close too. Maybe all this darts was starting to pay off.

The Bull out bulls the Finisher

During the first game played the whole ‘buy someone a drink when the circled number gets hit’ rule fell by the wayside, everybody already had drinks and so it felt a bit daft suddenly demanding drinks. But on paper it is a good rule.

This game gets a bit confusing if you are trying to play another game at the same time, numbers get missed – what might be best is if someone is given the task of being the caller, that way the players can concentrate on playing and scoring their own game and the bingo players can play bingo.

On the night the one and only game of bingo was won by the Dude. Who then popped a pound in the fruity and won a further £5. And for the record, he did not plough the money back into darts. On the contrary, he buggered off after one more game, a game that he won with a three dart finish earning a grand total of 20 Dart Club Ranking System points – had Dart Club just been hustled? Probably.

Following the success of the Dart Club FA Challenge Cup at the Archery Tavern, the Bull and the Finisher decided to step it up a gear and play a Dart Club Champions’ League at the Angel, after all, that’s where the money is these days.

With the time at a relatively early doors of about 19:30 Dart Club had attracted a massive 20 darters, which would have made things a bit tricky, fortunately four of them didn’t feel up to the challenge of a Dart Club Champions’ League, so the remaining 16 were split into four groups of four, as shown below, with the top two from each group progressing to a randomly drawn quarter final.

Group A	Group B	Group C	Group D of death
Fire	Fist	Bomber	Finisher
Darkness	Feather	Aristocrat	Danny Boy
Chancellor	Bull	Specialist	Sting
Striker	Sidewinder	Wrist	Bubble

Group A

There were no real surprises when the Darkness managed to beat the Fire, although the match did go to the wire. The Chancellor then beat the Striker on penalties and followed it up with victory over the Fire, which meant that the Fire was put out. The Darkness then went on to beat the Striker (with a three dart finish). So the Darkness and Chancellor progressed to the quarters with two wins apiece.

The Darkness celebrates a rare victory

Group B

Things were a little closer in Group B. Newcomer the Fist beat the Feather with a massively impressive three dart finish, double top exit, but was in turn dispatched by the Bull, on the sophisticated darters exit of double 16. The Bull also beat the Sidewinder on penalties, which gave him two wins, and when the Sidewinder beat the Feather, it necessitated a play-off between her and the Fist. The Fist then took the game and second spot with an emphatic bull’s-eye penalties win. The Bull and Fist would progress to the quarters.

Group C

Newcomer the Aristocrat proved himself to be the penalty king beating both the Bomber and the Specialist, thus taking two high ranking Dart Club scalps into the bargain. The Specialist rose to the penalty challenge beating the Dart Club FA Challenge Cup champion, the Wrist, but the Wrist then beat the Bomber, which meant that the Specialist and Wrist had to meet again to decide who went through. This time the Wrist proved his credentials with a fine victory over the Specialist. The Aristocrat and Wrist progressed to the quarters.

The Specialist looks bored while the Striker grins over his shoulder like a maniac

Group D of death

The group of death lived up to its billing, although no one actually died. But in the opening game featuring Dart Club’s one and two, some exceptional darts were played, after 18 darts both players required the sophisticated double 16. The Finisher took the tie, although it could easily have gone either way. The Finisher then beat the Sting with a more than typical double one exit and Danny Boy beat the Bubble on penalties, picking up three pub scores along the way. The Sting also beat the Bubble, which necessitated a play-off between him and Danny Boy, which was then won on penalties by Danny Boy. So no surprises, the Finisher and Danny Boy progressed to the quarters.

The draw for the quarters looked like this:

Fist v Wrist
Darkness v Danny Boy
Finisher v Aristocrat
Chancellor v Bull

The Fist and the Wrist had both qualified via a play-off position, however, the former showed his class exiting on a double top after 18 darts, leaving the Dart Club FA Challenge Cup champion on 158 at check out. That’s good darts.

Danny Boy was in for his second defeat of the evening with the Darkness beating him on penalties to progress.

The Finisher needed penalties during his match, fortunately for him the Aristocrat’s penalty king status had been removed and replaced by that of a drunken fool, so his darts were all slightly askew.

As a Dart Club newcomer that night, the Aristocrat clearly wasn’t up to speed with the sheer volume of booze required. His drunkenness was then further highlighted when he patronised another newcomer the Dictator by telling her that her English was “very good”.

The Dictator heralds from Yugoslovakia, hence the Aristo’s comment. The Aristo, however, was unaware of the fact that the Dictator has been living in England for some time, and had, in fact, gained a first class honours degree in English from Nottingham (Forest) University.

Back at the oche and in the final match of the quarter finals, another new comer the Chancellor knocked the Bull out, both players required double 10 after 21 darts but the newbie nailed it first, leaving the semi-finals looking like this:

Finisher v Fist
Darkness v Chancellor

The Finisher once again found himself on the receiving end of a defeat in the semi final. The Fist took the tie in emphatic fashion. In the other semi-final the Darkness also failed to make the grade as the Chancellor progressed.

The final of the Champions League would look like this:

The Fist versus the Chancellor

It would be a difficult one to call, the Fist required a play-off to get out of the group stages, having been beaten by the Bull, however, he had thrown some quite sexy darts during the course of the evening and knocked out the Finisher in the semi-final.

While the Chancellor was probably stronger on paper, having come through the group stages without losing and having beaten the Bull and the Darkness en route to the final.

Things on paper, however, almost always differ wildly from things at the oche. Despite scoring a sexy darts 100 on the way, the Chancellor came unstuck in the final, he’d met his match, the Fist exited on double top to take the tie and win the Dart Club Champions’ League final, scooping 32quid into the bargain.

The Fist is victorious

Dart Club had become a victim of its own success at the Angel, at the start of the tournament 20 people had turned up, whilst the tournament was under way another six eager dart clubbers put in an appearance.

A smiling the Enigma	A smiling everyone else

Word had clearly got out, however, the Bull and the Finisher were not completely satisfied, for the one person who had not turned up was the photographer from the Metro. For the benefit of those of you who dwell outside the glorious confines of the Holy Smoke, the Metro is a free paper that litters the London Underground, its unofficial motto is ‘yesterday’s news tomorrow’.

On the day of Dart Club number six the Metro had run a story, that was clearly nothing more that a re-written press release from the publisher of the Good Pub Guide, which claimed that traditional pub game pastimes were dying out in favour of live sports and fancy grub.

Even though it was nothing more than a re-written press release that stated the absolute bleedin’ obvious, it still struck a chord with the Bull and the Finisher.

Traditional pub game pastimes are running out, which is one of the chief reasons that Dart Club formed in the first place. It’s difficult to imagine a better way of spending the evening than throwing pointy tungsten miniature-missiles at a board marked out with 20 numbers and bull’s-eye.

It really is. Go on, imagine. There see, it’s difficult isn’t it?

The Bull fired off an email to the news editor at the Metro, explaining that the ‘article’ had struck a chord, however, there are a group of keen traditionalists that are trying to redress the balance. The email included a brief description of Dart Club and an invitation to the Angel. But sadly the Metro missed out on the scoop.

It was perhaps naïve of the Bull and Finisher to believe that one simple email would do the trick. What they needed was a marketing campaign, they needed to send out press releases, since the Metro is a tired and lonely excuse for journalism that prints press releases Dart Club would have to play ball – if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em.

DartClub

Record numbers attend Dart Club at the Angel

At current growth rates Dart Club will exceed 200 attendees by year-end, say analysts

London, 25 October 2002 – Dart Club, Europe’s premier evening out in
London’s glitzy West End, was attended by a staggering 26 darters at the Angel pub on St Giles High Street, London, October 24, 2002. Bringing the number of people to attend Dart Club up to the grand total of 38, after only six outings. At the current growth rate analysts predict that Dart Club will break the 100 mark before Q2, 2003.

After only five previous encounters Dart Club has grown, by simple word of mouth, from an initial magnificent seven all the way up to its current giddy heights, and at the current growth rate it will soon have to hire out entire public houses and possibly install extra dartboards.

“I’m delighted with the success of Dart Club,” said Dart Club co-chairman the Bull, adding: “Of course, I never doubted the fact that people would want to come and play darts, particularly in view of the fact that it is being carried out in the name of art. We live in a society where creativity is being stifled. We are continuously pressured into proving a positive return on investment for our labours. People need an outlet. Life isn’t about proving an ROI. Dart Club is that outlet. Dart Club is life.”

With only 20 more Dart Clubs to go the number of attendees is likely to exceed 100 by Q2, 2003. If Dart Club goes beyond its 26 scheduled events, by the year 2006, at the current growth rate, it will be have been attended by everyone in London. By the year 2020, based on the current growth rate, everyone in the world will have attended one Dart Club event. The population of Dart Club will exceed the population of the Earth by the year 2050.

-ends-

Notes to editors:

For more information journalists should call the Bull (020 7017 XXXX) or the Finisher (020 7017 XXXX). Or visit www.dartclub.blogspot.com.

About Dart Club:

Dart Club meets every two weeks at a pub within the confines of the Circle Line. The ultimate aim is to produce the ultimate guidebook to 26 of the greatest darts games in 26 of London’s greatest darts venues. Dart Club was founded on August 5, 2002. So far 38 different people have attended Dart Club, roughly 17,500 darts have been thrown*.

*based on a average number of 45 darts per person per game.

After six Dart Clubs the Dart Club Ranking System table was starting to consolidate:

1 (1)	Finisher	278 (241)
2 (2)	Danny Boy	162 (145)
3 (3)	Clinician	124 (124)
4 (4)	Bull	103 (83)
5 (5)	Specialist	81 (72
6 (8)	Darkness	65 (43)
7 (6)	Black Bomber	55 (47)
8 (7)	Animal	45 (44)
9	Fist	41
10 (12)	Wrist	34 (20)

So, no change at the top, although the Finisher opened up a slight gap over Danny Boy due to two sexy darts 100s. The Bull failed to take full advantage of the fact that the Clinician could not attend, although he did close the gap, winning four out of the five games of 301 he played that night, plus one doubles win, if he could get some sexy darts merit points next time he would be in with a shout. Still, it’s trebles for show, doubles for dough, the Bull had a great night on the finishing front and no one can take that away from him.

The Darkness leap-frogged both the Animal and the Black Bomber, to take sixth spot. The Black Bomber had a woeful evening, winning just one of the four games of 301 he played, while the Animal’s excuse was slightly better, in that that he turned up, but didn’t actually get an opportunity to play.

The Dart Club Ranking System top ten received two new entrants. On the strength of some excellent sexy darts finishing and winning the Dart Club Champions’ League final the Fist found himself in ninth place, earning a whopping 41 points in one night. While the Wrist managed to squeeze into the top ten earning 14 points, not quite as impressive as his first outing at the Archery Tavern, but enough to make the grade. However, he really can’t afford to miss a Dart Club, because hot on his heels are the Bubble and the Sidewinder, both with 33 Dart Club Ranking System points apiece.

It had been a busy night, perhaps a bit too busy. But that’s the way of the world, Dart Club would have to start getting a bit choosey.