H is for Happy Birthday (to the Fist)

After Danny Boy had the temerity to book the boozer for the City Gents Dart Club at Ye Olde Watling, Dart Club’s co-chairmen the Bull and the Finisher decided that they had better get a grip and arrange dartweek number eight.

On the advice of leading dartette the Sidewinder, and without guidance from the Finisher, the Bull booked a nice little pub, which shows Sky sports, has a massive Spanish style table footy and, of course, a dartboard. The pub stands on a corner towards the end of St John Street in Clerkenwell, nearest tube is Farringdon, which is on the Circle Line.

NO SPINNING!!!!!!!

So far, so good.

HOWEVER, when viewed on an A-Z street atlas, it clearly shows that the pub in question is actually outside the confines of the yellow one folks. Outside the Circle Line is like scoring a 25 when you’re stuck on 50 needing a finish. It’s just not good enough. Close, but no cigar.

JESUS, what next? Where would this all end? We might as well not have rules.

Darts is all about rules, there are black areas, white areas, red areas and green areas – what there aren’t are grey areas.

There is no place for anarchy in darts.

After the Mountie’s outburst at Ye Olde Watling last dartweek, you would have thought that the Bull, of all people, would have understood the importance of rules, the Finisher was incandescent with rage. How could the Bull be so ridiculous? Why did he listen to a bird?

He had listened to a bird because he is open-minded and that is what Dart Club is all about.

Sure the pub broke one of the most important rules of Dart Club, but is was within easy walking distance of a Circle Line tube station. Just come out of Farringdon, turn left (walking away from the Circle Line…), up Cow Cross Road, you’ll come to St John Street shortly, turn left walk up the slight incline, cross Clerkenwell Road and it is just up there on the right, you recognise it because it is called the Bull.

A-ha! – rumbled. The Bull booked the Bull, well, he’d better hope that there isn’t a pub somewhere outside the Circle Line called the Finisher.

The Bull it turns out is a shabby looking hole, and the pub isn’t much better. BOOM, BOOM!

Thankfully, the bar staff are 0% Australian and double thankfully they are 0% incompetent Spanish bird. They are friendly, helpful and efficient, if a bit studenty.

Friendly, helpful and efficient - if a bit studenty

However, you’ll be disappointed if you make the effort to get there, because the Bull was due to close down for a refurb after DC attended. It's now a gasto pub called the Queen Boadicea and there's no dart board. Which kind of makes this chapter redundant. But as it was outside the Circle Line anyway, it doesn’t really matter.

Even if the pub had Kelly Brook and Cameron Diaz behind the bar serving free beer, with Guns’n’Roses on the juke box, a pristine, spot-lit dartboard and was open for all eternity, and that includes after 23:00doors – it would all be for nothing. Rules is rules. So far the rule that states the pub must be inside the Circle Line has not been formalised, so just for the record:

The seventh rule of Dart Club is, the pub must be inside the Circle Line.

However, despite the fact that the Bull is outside the Circle Line, Dart Club had attracted the usual suspects, including rising star of Dart Club, the Fist, who after only two previous visits had amassed 94 Dart Club Ranking System points and stood at a dizzying fifth place. And for that we are to be eternally grateful, not just because he is an excellent dartist, but also because it was the night of his 30th birthday, something of a milestone in birthday terms. And what better way is there to celebrate such a fine achievement than attending Dart Club?

Well, if the pub was within the Circle Line, maybe that would have been better, but there you go. It was just as well the Fist had turned up too, because it was his ingenious use of his ‘hands free’ mobile phone gadetry that was used to rig up a light to light up the dartboard.

So to honour the Fist it was declared that should a Dart Clubber score a 30 whilst in open play, he would have to buy himself and the Fist a sambuca, the Fist was reluctant to comply since his missus had booked a ridiculously early flight the next day as a special birthday surprise, but peer group pressure won him over in the end.

Early flight? Pah! I'll stay up all night

The game to be played at the Bull, was the appropriately enough named Bulley’s Special Prize. Based loosely on the 1980s TV quiz masterpiece hosted by disgraced racialstical comedian Jim Bowen, this darts competition will sort the bulls from the bullocks.

NOTE: the following text is taken from the Lancashire Evening Telegraph and is not super, smashing nor great.

Jim Bowen retires after on-air comments to black woman

Jim Bowen has retired from showbusiness after making a racially offensive comment to a black woman on live radio.
According to the Lancashire Evening Telegraph, Mr Bowen used the term "nig-nog" during his BBC radio show The Happy Daft Farm.
The former Bullseye host told the Evening Telegraph he had decided to quit because the management didn't deserve "any further difficulties".
A BBC spokesman told Ananova: "During Jim Bowen's programme on BBC Radio Lancashire he used unacceptable and racially offensive language.
"Later in the show he issued a frank apology for his earlier comments.
"Jim was called to a formal meeting by managers who sought reassurances from him that there would be no repetition of such language. Subsequently, however, Jim tendered his resignation and this has been accepted."
Mr Bowen told the paper: "No racial connotation was ever intended and, having said all that, I should have been sharp enough to correct the error.
"I almost immediately apologised for it as it was, to say the least, not clever. The expression I used would identify with the youngsters who were last to be picked in a football team or perhaps weren't the sharpest knife in the box.
"I was 65 in August and perhaps this was nature's way of telling me that I was not up to speed with modern connotations to survive in the current broadcasting climate."
When asked if he would be retiring after the incident, he told the Evening Telegraph: "Yes, although in this business you don't actually retire."
Story filed: 15:35 Monday 7th October 2002

Anyway, Bulley’s Special Prize was not in honour of Jim Bowen who is clearly struggling to come to terms with acceptable behaviour, it was in honour of darts, quizzes and of course, the Fist.

It had been three months since the First Dart Club at which there was a quiz. Dart Club came fourth but darts was the winner that night. At the Bull everybody would be a winner, and not just the darts.

There is no right or wrong way to play Bulley’s Special Prize, it is not a recognised darts game, but if you have no imagination you could copy the way Dart Club played. Dart Club was separated randomly into four teams of three – Dart Clubbers contributed £2 each for the glittering prize, as yet unveiled.

The Bull and Finisher would be the quiz masters, thus breaking with another Dart Club tradition, in that they are usually the only Dart Clubbers who play the new game.

Each team answered questions taken from 1980s domestic quiz board game favourite Trivial Pursuit.

1, 18, 4 = G for geography
13, 6, 10 = E for entertainment
15, 2, 17 = H for history
19, 7, 16 = AL for art and literature
8, 11, 14 = SN for science and nature
9, 12, 5 = SL for sports and leisure

NOTE: the 20 and 3 segments were void.

Each team took it in turns to throw a single dart at the board answering a question according to where in the board they threw the dart. When the team answered the question correctly, it received three darts to throw at the board, the points scored became that team’s running total.

After each team member had had two attentions at the oche, the two teams with the highest running total progressed to the semi-final play-off. In the semi-final play-off the teams got the opportunity to win selected prizes, ten in all.

Starting with the team who scored the highest running total during the opening round, players aimed for white segments, which revealed mystery prizes. Stay out of the black and in the white – you get nothing for this game if you are a bit shite.

A team at a time, with three darts per team, players needed to land their darts in the white segments. Each white segment carried a prize as was mentioned previously. However, the team only won the prize when they answered a Triv question correctly. The question in question that was asked was determined by the throw of a dart (according to the table above) – one question per white segment landed dart.

The team that won the most prizes in the semi-final play-off then got the opportunity to gamble its winnings for the chance to win Bulley’s Special Prize.

The gamble is this: Only one member of the winning team gets to keep the big prize. And all the smaller prizes are then played-off for by the six dartists who didn’t get through to the semi-final play-off. Each player in the team threw one dart at the bull’s-eye, thus determining the order of play. Then according to the order of play each player took three darts to hit the 25/bull’s-eye section. The first player to hit the target scooped the glittering prize.

Here were the teams:

Team A	Team B	Team C	Team D
Darkness	Sting	Feather	Danny Boy
Dude	Aristocrat	Mountie	Mincer (new)
Fist	Shaman	Boot (new)	Clinician

May the quiz commence:

The Bull gets quizzical

Team A – the Darkness scored a four – Geography

Team A, which Arctic city boasts the world’s largest navel base?

(Bloody hell, it’s a bit more tricky than the questions on Bullseye the TV show)

Answer, Vladivostok – incorrect, the Arctic city that boasts the world’s largest navel base is Murmansk.

Team B – the Sting scored an 11 – Science & Nature

Team B, what letter usually appears between 340 and 20 on a compass graduated in 20 degrees?

Answer, N – the correct answer. The Sting then registered 31 points for his team.

Team C – the Feather was taking a dump, so in his stead stood the Mountie, who scored 12 – Sport & Leisure

Team C, which year saw all four home countries reach the finals of the soccer World Cup?

Answer, 1982 – incorrect, the answer on the card is 35.

Team D – Danny Boy scored a two – History

Team D, which Labour MP once called tiny Colin Moynihan “the Miniature of Sport”?

Answer, Tony Banks – incorrect, it was in fact Dennis Skinner.

After one round only Team B had registered a point. Round two wasn’t much better, Team D knew that it was Stalin who was quoted as saying “a single death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic”, with their three darts they scored 42 points and went into the lead. Another highlight of the round was when Team B successfully talked itself out of the fact that it is the Jockey Club that runs British horse racing, opting instead for something that one of them made up.

By the time round three happened Dart Club was getting frustrated, the questions were turning out to be quite difficult. Thankfully, round three was slightly easier, to say the least. Team A knew that CCTV stood for Closed Circuit Television and registered 45 points, and Team B knew that it was Hercules whose first labour it was to kill the Namean Lion, they registered 54 points taking their running total to 85. Team D can feel a little hard done by, when they gave their final answer of 49km as the length of the Channel Tunnel, the Clinician shouted “isn’t it 50?” just as the Bull revealed that is was 50, but he stood firm and accepted the team’s original answer.

After 12 gruelling questions, Team B was in the lead with 54 points, Team A was second with 45 points and Team D had 42. After another 12 questions Team B had racked up 168 points, so proved themselves to be the brainboxes of Dart Club, Team D were runners-up with 136 points. Team C got only one question right but threw well so came third with 60 and the woodenspoonlists were Team A, who were not only dim-witted, but also bad a darts, scoring a meagre 45 points – perhaps all of his birthday sambucas were effecting the Fist. Teams B and D would progress to the semi-final play-off.

The prizes were announced.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne five – let me entertain you, while you’re on the move with this miniature Sony portable radio. This prize was won by the Aristocrat for Team B.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne six – for all you budding deejays out there, this expansive eclectic mix of records really is murder on the dance floor. This prize was won by the Mincer for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne one – improve your home library and general knowledge with this collection of niche reference texts. This prize was won by Danny Boy for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne four – never lose keys individually again, with this fine Eontec sponsored key-fob you can go out on the lash and get locked out of your home and your car. This prize was won by the Mincer for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne seventeen – impress the chicks at your local discotheque with spiky, glow in the dark hair gel stuff. This prize was won by the Shamon for Team B.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne sixteen – never get dazzled again, with these cool Ali G style sunglasses. This prize was won by the Clinician for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne fifteen – be the envy of the San Siro with this redundant Ronaldo Inter scarf. This prize was won by the Clinician for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne Nineteen – Never be late for Dart Club again with this early eighties retro Casio digital wristwatch. This prize was won by the Mincer for Team D.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne Eleven – The owner of these CDs (the Clinician) might want them back, but he hasn’t been bothered enough to pick them up from the Finisher’s flat for the past 18 months, so he can stuff off. This prize was won by Danny Boy for Team D

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEne Nine – If you’ve got no hair, this prize is guaranteed to keep your bald pate warm. It’s a travel hairdryer. This prize was won by the Sting for Team B.

The Clinician is in da house

Team D had scooped seven of the available prizes and elected to gamble their booty for a chance to win Bulley’s Special Prize. All three darters threw one dart to determine who would throw first. Newcomer the Mincer was closest, followed by the Clinician and finally Danny Boy. The Mincer was first up to the oche. Who would hit 25/bull’s-eye first?

They’d come a long way, they’d had a good day and they’d decided to gamble it all for the big one. Only one of them would be walking away happy and it was, in fact, the Mincer, whose third dart landed in the 25. The Bull then handed over a brand new dartboard to the Mincer, he was well chuffed, but a bit gutted that it wasn’t a speedboat.

The Mincer wanted a speedboat really

However, no one goes home empty handed, the two unlucky finalists received brand new, top of the range darts sharpeners.

All that remained was for the Finisher to win the resurrected 501 challenge, scooping £50.

Sparrow's kneecaps

Interestingly, the Mincer elected not to enter the 501 challenge, obviously keen to keep his fiver entry fee to himself, which is not what Dart Club is all about. Only one person went home from the Bull empty handed that night, ironically enough, it was the Bull.

However, he can take some consolation from the fact that he notched a 120 during a game of 301 after the 501 challenge, thus earning enough Dart Club Ranking System points to leap frog the Clinician into third spot overall. And that indeed was the only positional change in the Dart Club top ten, which now looks like this:

1 (1)	Finisher	317 (300)
2 (2)	Danny Boy	222 (186)
3 (4)	Bull	155 (152)
4 (3)	Clinician	152 (124)
5 (5)	Fist	110 (94)
6 (6)	Black Bomber	90 (90)
7 (7)	Dude	86 (86)
8 (8)	Specialist	81 (81)
9 (9)	Darkness	70 (65)
10 (10)	Wrist	58 (38)
10	Hammer	58 (58)

Dartweek eight represented the first occasion when there were no new entries into the top ten according to the Dart Club Ranking System, in fact there was very little movement at all, the market, is seemed, was starting to mature. Eight games down and 18 to go, over one quarter of the way there. The graph below shows Dart Club Ranking System points going back five weeks, when the Dart Club Ranking System was first introduced at the Bricklayer’s Arms (Gresse Street).

Meaningless chart shows pointless stuff

The Finisher remains head and shoulders above the competition, this is entirely down to his seven 100s, three 120s and one 140 – sexy darts indeed. He has also registered 11 Pub Scores, three more than his nearest rival Danny Boy.

Danny Boy’s graph shows that he is catching the Finisher, his position owes a good deal to his three 100s and one 120, he is also the third most prolific darter having competed in no less than 50 games so far (compared with the Finisher’s 53 games).

The Bull, who moved into the top three for the first time has competed in 51 different games, but it took until the night at the Bull before he registered any sexy darts, his 120 being enough to usurp the Clinician.

The Clinician can take solace in the fact the he has attended two less Dart Clubs than the Bull and has a much higher 301 win ratio. Not has high as fifth placed the Fist or seventh placed the Dude, who with a 75% win ratio would be the top ten chart topper.

Indeed the table below shows what the Dart Club top ten would look like if the Dart Club Ranking System revolved by 301 win ratios alone. Interestingly* the Darkness is the only dartist whose official Dart Club ranking matches his 301 wins ratio...

1	Dude	75%
2	Fist	73%
3	Wrist	72%
4	Finisher	68%
5	Clinician	65%
6	Danny Boy	56%
7	Black Bomber	36%
8	Bull	35%
9	Darkness	33%
10	Specialist	21%

The Hammer has been excluded from this table, despite making the Dart Club Ranking System top ten, he has a 301 win ratio of 0%, and is only in the top ten because his partner, the Dude, scored a very sexy 140 in a game of doubles at Ye Olde Watling two weeks before.

The Dart Clubber with the best 301 win ratio on the night (and darts is very much on the night) was the Mincer, with his played one, won one record he remained unbeaten at the oche, and so a deserved winner of Bulley’s Special Prize.

*yes, I know it's not actually interesting.