I is for real

After its brief sojourn last time out into the barren hinterland that lies beyond the confines of the Circle Line, dartweek nine would return back to its West End roots, and very much within its predefined geographical limits.

The Finisher was not best pleased with the Bull’s bullish booking of the Bull, so took the bull by the horns, so to speak, and was in attendance with the Bull when they both booked the Horse & Groom on Great Portland Street.

The Horse & Groom, affectionately known as the Whores & Doom, lies about half way between Great Portland Street tube station and Oxford Street tube station, walking south down Great Portland Street from the tube station bearing the same name, you’ll see it on the left, it is an unassuming boozer, with a very congenial landlord. It has a sizeable public bar, a comfortable lounge and pokey games room, featuring a table footy and, of course, a dartboard – albeit a bit of a scraggy number.

It is a Sam Smith’s pub so it sells reasonably priced German lagers…..or at least it does normally, but on the night of Dart Club number nine, the lager was off! So, most of Dart Club were forced to embrace the north and drink bitter – which was a pleasant change.

The H&G also features an electronic darts scorer, which is good for the maff fuckwits, but bad for darts – darts should never be electronicacised.

The Bull and the Finisher strolled into the Whores & Doom at about 17:00doors intending to get the new game out of the way ASAP, because for reasons that will become clearer later, Dart Club really did need to focus on regular darts, particularly after the previous dartweek’s quiz related darts night.

The ninth game to be played at Dart Club was based on the sea-side favourite of KKKKKkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrraaaaazzzzzy golf. Crazy golf, is about as kkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrraaaaazzzzzy as normal golf, i.e. not very.

But, frankly, at the British sea-side there is only so much raw sewage one can bear swallowing in the sub-zero sea before the lure of the crazy golf, trampolines and bored looking donkeys take their collective hold. In a pub there is little opportunity to trampoline, or indeed take ride on a donkey, however, at the oche there is every opportunity to play crazy golf.

Dart crazy golf, it turns out, is pretty good, although it does not feature the windmill, which for reasons unknown is everybody’s favourite on a regular crazy golf course, it does feature plenty of scope for WILD darts.

Competitors, should write down the following string of numbers on the chalkboard: 20, 18, four, six, 10, 19, 16, eight, 14 and nine.

What is the link?

Think laterally, go on, it’s not that difficult.

The more Krypton Factored smart arse readers out there will have noticed that the common denominator between these seemingly random numbers is that they all feature a ‘loop’, i.e. a hole, although 18 and eight have two holes.

In this darts game it doesn’t matter who goes first, likewise it doesn’t really matter how many players there are. Players take it in turns throwing three darts at a time. If any of the three darts lands in the hole of the target number, the darter scores a hole in one. If the dart lands in amongst the target a two is scored. A three score is registered if the best dart lands in the double space or space described by the extrapolation of the target boundaries up to the edge of the bored. A four is scored for the treble bed and outer bed, a five is scored for the inner bed and a six if none of the above.

Here is what happened when the Bull and the Finisher played out the first game:

	Bull	Finisher
20	3	4
18	6	7
4	9	10
6	12	14
10	13	17
19	16	20
16	18	24
8	24	26
14	27	29
9	31	33

With one round completed, the darters returned to the 19th hole for a refreshing pint of bitter. It had been a decent round, with the Bull claiming the only hole in one, beating the Finisher by two holes. The Finisher was not pleased, so rather like a hard done-by elder brother he suggested that they got back around the board, starting on nine and moving anti-clockwise back to the 20. Here is what happened:

	Bull	Finisher
9	37	36
14	40	37
8	46	41
16	49	47
19	52	50
10	55	53
6	61	57
4	64	60
18	67	63
20	-	64

Having completed a second round the Finisher was significantly happier, not only had he made the two-hole deficit up, but he had notched two hole in ones, including one on the final hole, which negated the need for the Bull to take his last throw.

The Finisher scores a crazy hole in one

With darts crazy golf out of the way, the co-chairmen could start focusing on the night's maid event. Team darts.

Both the Bull and the Finisher have a darts loving mutual associate who lives in Leicester. The story of how they both came to know the Leicester darter is long winded and has nothing to do with darts or pubs. However, it is story wrapped in a mystery, and a mysterious number at that, the number 26. And if this story doesn’t make the hairs stand up on the back on your neck, nothing will.

The Leicester darter, the Dreaded, was friend of the Finisher some seven years prior to the meeting between the Finisher and the Bull. The Finisher moved to London and thought that he would never see the Dreaded again, until the day he bumped into him at the Bull’s wedding in Ireland. The Dreaded, it turns out, was the Bull’s new wife’s first boyfriend. This strange coincidence is made yet stranger when the circle is squared, the common denominators in the relationship between the Bull and the Dreaded is the Bull’s wife. The really spooky part is the common denominator between the Finisher and Bull’s wife is that, not only do they share the same friends, without ever knowing it, but they share the same birthday, and that date, for the record, is February 26. TWENTY SIX! Russell Grant would have a bloody field day with this kind of stuff.

(WEIRD SPOOKY FACT Since Dart Club completed its epic year, the Finisher got married, and guess what? His wife's birthday is February 26th!! (and no, he didn't marry Mrs Bull).)

To make matters even more coincidental, it turns out that the Dreaded, and his Leicester cohorts meet regularly and have their very own Dart Club, and they have darts names (of course) and the founder of the Leicester Dart Club is called the Finisher!!

There would have to be a showdown at the oche coral.

Leicester would play London with the losing captain honour-bound to change his darts moniker from the Finisher to the Loser. The date set would have been February 26, but both the Bull and Finisher would be in Brussels that day, but that really is a different story. Instead, the date set would be Saturday January 4th. Leicester would bring down a team and Dart Club would take them on. For dartweek nine though, in preparation, in the Whores and Doom, Dart Club would be split into two teams strictly on a Dart Club Ranking System basis, the Bulls v the Finishers. And here were those teams:

THE BULLS	THE FINISHERS
Bull	Finisher
Clinician	Fist
Black Bomber	Sidewinder
Sting	Mountie
Shaman	Aristocrat
Enigma	Optimist (new)
Prince (new)	Dictator

On paper the teams should have been equal, since they were organised according to the Dart Club Ranking System. However, at the risk of being chauvinistical and mysogonisicalacious, darts is a man’s game. And the Finisher’s team contained two more dartettes than the Bull’s team – it did contain the number one dartette, the Sidewinder, who stood head and shoulders above the Enigma on the Bull’s team. However, the two additional ladies on the Finisher’s team, the Dictator and the Optimist, were so far unproven at the oche. (The Dictator had attended Dart Club in the past but had yet to throw in open competition.)

The format for the evening’s entertainment would roughly follow the format that the Finisher and the Clinician learnt on the night they both joined the Doyle’s Bar darts team, which was two fours play 701, four pairs play 601, eight singles matches of 501 and an all in 1001. However, Dart Club was only 14 strong in the Whores and Doom, so it would have to be re-jigged slightly. The teams would be carefully seeded to ensure a fair balance. The first 701 match of the evening saw the following line-ups.

THE BULLS	THE FINISHERS
Bull	Finisher
Black Bomber	Sidewinder
Shaman	Aristocrat
Prince	Dictator

Organising Dart Club into two teams was like trying to herd cats, and the games room at the Whores and Doom is not the roomiest of places. The oche is up against one sidewall and the darters must stand with their back practically touching the back wall, and the table footy takes up all the other room. But eventually the first game of the big match got underway. It was generally a poor game, and went to penalties in the end, the Bulls were victorious.

THE BULLS I	THE FINISHERS 0
Clinician	Fist
Sting	Mountie
Enigma	Optimist

With less players playing in the second game you would have thought that the higher calibre players would have greater opportunity to influence the overall outcome. However, they didn’t and the second game of the night was as equally shite as the first. But once again the Bulls were victorious.

THE BULLS II	THE FINISHERS 0
Bull	Finisher
Prince	Dictator

The first doubles game of the match starred the two team captains, and at two-nil down, the Finisher could really do with winning the game. However, he didn’t. Just when it looked like the game was going to penalties and with the last dart throw of the game, the Bull finished the Finisher’s finishing hopes and took the tie.

THE BULLS III	THE FINISHERS 0
Clinician	Fist
Enigma	Optimist

At three nil down it was starting to look like a bit of a whitewash. Luckily for the Finisher, his team contained a fairly strong middle order, the Fist is a rising star of Dart Club, although behind the Clinician in Dart Club Rankings terms, he was catching up fast. And he was just about to get a bit faster. He and the Optimist prevailed. Leaving their opponents on the staggeringly high total of 245. The Finishers were back in it.

THE BULLS III	THE FINISHERS I
Black Bomber	Sidewinder
Shaman	Aristocrat

And they were about to get more into it too, as the Sidewinder and Aristocrat beat the Bomber and Shaman. And then to draw the match so far the Mountie overcame the Sting, picking up two pub scores and checking out on 56, with the Sting still on 132. The match was about to go into the singles phase (for the pedants out there, the Mountie v Sting match was a singles match, but was played as part of the doubles section due to lack of numbers).

The Bulls III The Finishers III

With seven individual games of 501 ahead and a potential, nail biting decider of 1001, the scores were dead level and both teams had everything to play for. The Bulls drew first blood as the Bull beat his opposite number, the Finisher. The Fist then pulled things level, beating the Clinician easily.

The Bulls IV The Finishers IV

The Bulls then established a lead that looked somewhat unassailable. First up the Black Bomber beat the Sidewinder. Then the Sting got his revenge over the Mountie, beating him with a double four. The Aristocrat got one back for the Finishers beating the Shaman, but that still left the Bulls one game ahead going into the penultimate game. A game, which, on paper, looked a formality.

The Bulls VI The Finishers V

The Prince, a new but proven darter (who owns his own dartboard, he bragged) was to take on the Optimist, a dartette, who largely due to consuming an entire bottle of white wine, did not exactly fill the Finisher’s heart with optimism.

And indeed when the game got under way, it looked as though the Bulls’ single point lead would be doubled rendering the final game of 1001 a formality. After 21 darts the Prince required 78, while the Optimist was on 204.

The Optimist at the oche looking shaky

However, after a further 21 darts, the Prince required three – the darters nightmare. The Optimist finished on double nine and took the game, sending the team match into 1001 sudden death, and sending the crowd wild.

Ever the Optimist! The Bull and Black Bomber are gracious in defeat (or patronising, you decide)

Each player of each team would now take it in turns at the oche in a giant game of 1001. The Bulls, although obviously downhearted at not taking the game already, scorched into an early lead, after 45 darts they were 82 points clear on 343. After a further 24 darts the Bulls were on the exceptionally easy finish of double three, while the Finishers were on a whoppingly painful 137. It was surely a formality now.

The Sting bust out, the Aristocrat tabled 38.
The Prince bust out, the Optimist scored 35.
The Clinician bust out, the Finisher notched 41.
The Black Bomber bust out, the Aristocrat registered eight.
The Prince scored a two, and the Finisher finished the only game he’d finished all night to take the match with double four.

Proving Lenny Kravitz prophetic eighth rule of Dart Club to be true.

The eighth rule of Dart Club is: It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.

The Bull was incandescent with rage. But handed out the winners’ medals in good grace, despite severe provocation from the Finisher. The Sting, however, tore his medal from his neck and threw it to the floor in disgust.

Some of life's losers	Some of life's winners

There had been a lot of sexy darts on display and that had a dramatic impact on the Dart Club Ranking Top Ten. Despite throwing the winning dart of the match, the Finisher was pretty poor all night, but still remained at the top of the chart, and looked a fair bet to make the first team against Leicester. And despite not making it Danny Boy held onto his second place spot in the rankings, although the Bull closed the gap dramatically, earning 52 Dart Club Ranking System points. The Fist leap-frogged the Clinician into fourth spot, earning an impressive 69 rude sounding Dart Club Ranking System points, compared to the Clinician’s 24.

The Fist really was starting to look like a potential Dart Club champion. The Finisher would have to start to look into ways of hindering his meteoric rise to the top.

The Black Bomber earned more Dart Club Ranking System points than any other darter on the night, with 70 points, however, he stayed put in sixth spot. Neither the Dude nor the Specialist could attend, but did not move down the table, however, the Sting’s 24 points pushed him from 14th to ninth, another week like that and he’d be in first team for the Leicester match. Any more no shows and the Darkness would be out of the top ten.

It made the top ten look a little exactly like this:

1 (1)	Finisher	352 (317)
2 (2)	Danny Boy	222 (222)
3 (3)	Bull	207 (155)
4 (5)	Fist	179 (110)
5 (4)	Clinician	176 (152)
6 (6)	Black Bomber	160 (90)
7 (7)	Dude	86 (86)
8 (8)	Specialist	81 (81)
9 (14)	Sting	71 (47)
10 (10)	Darkness	70 (70)

Darts is very much man against board. But as was proved by the Optimist’s fine efforts that sent the match at the Whores & Doom into sudden death, darts can also be very much a team game.

Indeed, the Dart Club Ranking System’s policy of rewarding both team members any Merit Points earned for sexy darts during a game of doubles goes someway to prove this. And in games of triplets or quads or above, the same rules apply.

In the last chapter, Dart Club Ranking System points were put to one side to consider simple 301 win ratios and the Dude came out on top edging out the Fist of all people. But in light of tonight’s team affair, who is the best team player?

The table below shows:

		Doubles win ratio	DCRS points	DC Ranking	Singles win ratio	Singles ranking
1	Black Bomber	76.9%	160	6th	61.5%	4th
2	Fist	72.7%	179	4th	69.2%	2nd
3	Dude	71.4%	86	7th	75%	1st
4	Clinician	66.7%	176	5th	58.3%	5th
5	Specialist	50%	81	8th	21.4%	10th
5	Sting	50%	71	9th	36.3%	8th
7	Finisher	38.5%	352	1st	63%	3rd
7	Danny Boy	38.5%	222	2nd	56%	6th
7	Bull	38.5%	207	3rd	42.3%	7th
10	Darkness	14.3%	70	10th	33.3%	9th

There it is in black and white. The Black Bomber is thus far the most successful team player at Dart Club, with a mightily impressive win ratio of 76.9%, and with a singles 301 win ratio of 61.5% he stands fourth, so his current Dart Club Ranking of sixth place is somewhat misleading. Clearly his lack of sexy darts points is hampering his overall rating.

The rising star of Dart Club, the Fist, is a darters second best bet if they want to earn merit points by teaming up with him, as his win ratio of 72.7% puts him in second place. With this in mind, it should come as no surprise that when the Fist and the Black Bomber were partnered up at Ye Olde Watling (Bow Lane) for dartweek seven, they walked away with the grand prize.

The Dude, whose 75% singles win ratio places him as the number one lone gun, and his doubles win ratio is not far behind, a first class 71.4%, means that he is third in the doubles chart, but the only darter at Dart Club with 70%+ win ratio for both singles and doubles. With a more impressive attendance, this darter will surely rise from his lowly seventh Dart Club Ranking placement.

The Clinician, one of the most consistent darters at Dart Club, has achieved mid-table mediocrity on all counts, with a doubles win ratio of 66.7% he is fourth in the doubles chart, with a singles win ratio of 58.3% he is fifth in the singles chart and with 176 Dart Club Ranking System points he is fifth in the Dart Club Rankings. Steady Eddie.

Places eighth and ninth in the Dart Club Ranking System top ten, the Specialist and the Sting offer a 50:50 chance in doubles, however, if you want to be partnered with either you’d probably want to play with the Sting, despite their respective Dart Club Rank, because the Specialist has a singles win ratio of 21.4% and so is tenth out of ten, while the Sting is eighth with 36%.

One of the more startling revelations that resulted from working the doubles win ratios of the top ten darters was that the top three darters according to the Dart Club Ranking System, the Finisher, Danny Boy and the Bull, all have exactly the same doubles win ratio of 38.5%, which places them all equal seventh. Which just goes to show, they are clearly selfish bastards at the oche.

And finally, a word about the Darkness, with five out of nine Dart Clubs attended he finds himself, for the first time, in danger of slipping out of the Dart Club top ten. Ever since that first fateful Dart Club night at the One Tun (Goodge Street), at which he banished the Light, he has remained a Dart Club favourite, and with only one more Dart Club before the big match versus Leicester Dart Club it looked like he would lose his place in the team. And since he stood tenth in the doubles chart and ninth in the singles chart, it is probably just as fucking well.