Well, well, well. Dart Club had made it into double figures. Blair’s den, dartweek ten. The last Dart Club of 2002*, and a Christmas special, the Bull and the Finisher were feeling quite festive so wrote out special Christmas cards to the dartclubbers. Dart Club was suitably impressed by this small gesture, however, obviously not impressed enough to return the favour. Darts, it seems, is for life, not Christmas.*It seems like only yesterday too....
The pub of choice was the Blue Posts on the junction of Eastcastle Street and Newman Street in London’s glitzy West End. The nearest tube is probably Tottenhamhotspur Court Road, although Oxy Circus is not that far. Come out of the Spurs, walk west towards the Circus and Newman Street is the third on your right.
The Blue Posts is a Sam Smith’s boozer. Now Dart Club is an observant beast and it has started to notice that Sam Smith’s boozers seem to be happening more often than not (or rather, as often as not). Thus far five out of the ten boozers visited have been Sam Smith’s boozers. Mr Smith’s pubs are pretty damn popular. And rightly so, they have a fine selection of German beers, they are traditional and thus not full of wankers drinking bottled lager at vastly inflated prices and they are obviously pretty darts friendly.
The Blue Posts on Eastcastle and Newman should not be confused with the one on Berwick Street in the seedier end of Soho, which whilst being quite a nice pub, does not have the required sisal facilities, AKA a dartboard. Which the Finisher and Bull found out, having been told by a bloke in another pub that it did have one. This kind of disinformation is perpetrated by darts charlatans and is a menace to society.
The first, and most important rule of Dart Club is tell everyone you know about Dart Club, this word of mouth technique, ‘viral marketing’, can often be as bit nasty as it sounds. Employing the first rule of Dart Club has led to a number of new dart clubbers attending, whilst everyone is welcome at Dart Club some darters are more welcome than others.
Some complete tossers have turned up – naming no names, they know who they are. The first rule has also led to a surprising amount of disinformation, namely blokes in pubs telling the co-chairmen that a certain boozer has a certain facility – whether or not the individuals in question are simply saying these things to ingratiate themselves with the Dart Club co-chairmen is a moot point. Most probably they feel intimidated and think they have to say something dartsmart.
WRONG!
Darts disinformation is worse than no information. The Finisher and Bull would rather plough their own darts furrow than be taken for a ride. So this message goes out to the bloke who told the Finisher that the Blue Posts on Berwick Street has a dartboard: NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T!
The landlord said that in all the time that he'd worked there (years, I might add) it has never had a dartboard. So if you haven’t got anything true to say, keep yer bloody trap shut – of course everyone makes mistakes and so Dart Club will give him the benefit of the doubt this time. Maybe he was intimidated, maybe he was trying to be helpful. He will never attend a Dart Club that’s for sure, but he has a darts moniker – the Wrong. He is also responsible for the ninth rule of Dart Club.
The ninth rule of Dart Club is: Never lie about darts.
Lying and cheating at darts is frowned upon almost as much as the electronic scoreboards, one of which, incidentally, the Blue Posts has. It is something of a cliché, but if you lie and cheat whilst playing darts, you are only cheating yourself, “Darts is different from other sports in one fundamental way. With soccer, tennis, hockey and most other ball games, save perhaps golf, what your opponent does is paramount. You react to what he does. With darts you are playing against the board.” Darts: Know the game Deryk Brown.
Of course, everyone makes mistakes, particularly after a few pints, sometimes the maff is wrong, but that is not the same as cheating. It is preferable to be a maff fuckwit than a darty rotten scoundrel.
Lying and cheating should not be confused with gamesmanship. Theoretically, unless someone physically pushes you during a throw, there is precious little that anyone can do to affect your score. However, as has been pointed out previously, darts is 90% in the head, so the more you twist a darter’s melon, the greater your chance of success.
Here are one or two of the methods employed at Dart Club, so far, in an attempt to put off a darter.
• Coughing loudly whilst the darter is taking aim (other noises at the time of pre-release are similarly effective).
• Farting SBDs (silent but deadlies).
• Staring directly at the darter as he takes aim, so that he is aware of your presence in his peripheral vision.
• Throwing darts at the dartboard from the side when it is not your turn.
• Arguing like it fucking matters over petty rule discrepancies (I point you to rule six of Dart Club, do not question the Bull or the Finisher, this is not a democracy).
• Phoning the darter’s mobile whilst he is at the oche.
• Going for a shit mid-game.
• Plying a dartette with wine in an attempt to either a) pull her or b) make her really shit at darts (this backfired somewhat on the Prince at the Whores & Doom, when the Optimist clinched victory and did not cop off).
• Sharing your opponent’s darts and dropping them all the time.
• Doing the clown dance – this is reserved for when a darter who was doing well suddenly and inexplicably starts to fuck-up, the wheels have come off his car so to speak, he is in a metaphorical clown car. The clown dance involves singing circus music, walking with a bandy gait and imitating a comedy car horn.
Darts, you see, is not cricket. Gamesmanship happens, get used to it. Thrive on it, and it will be your special friend. Bodyline tactics are the way forward. Indeed, they were very much the way forward at the Blue Posts dartweek ten, because although darts is not cricket, it was that night.
Once again Dart Club was to be split into two teams. Rather than seeding the two teams as happened at the previous dartweek, two captains would be selected – preferably new dartists. At 19:30doors when the teams were selected there was only one new dartist – the Graduate. Brother to the top ranked dartette, the Sidewinder, he selected seven teammates from the 14 dartclubbers there present. The remaining seven would be the other team. This is what the two teams looked like:
The Graduate’s Team
The Fist
The Finisher
The Clinician
The Dude
The Black Bomber
The Animal
The Graduate
The Captainless Team
The Bull
The Aristocrat
The Sidewinder
The Feather
The Sting
The Bubble
The Tongue
Now, the reason a new dartist was selected as a captain was to introduce the element of surprise into the selection process perhaps the virgin darter would think certain people looked more like a darts player than others, not unlike the method by which the England cricket team is apparently ‘selected’.
However, it became quickly apparent that the Graduate had had a sneak preview of the Dart Club Ranking System table, on paper his team looked somewhat stronger, he himself had registered a sexy darts 100 during a friendly match earlier in the evening, and he had also done the typical brother thing and not selected his sister.
The Captainless Team was up in arms, they were about to get a pre-Christmas stuffing and they did not want to be the complete turkeys. So in the spirit of fair play, the Finisher swapped places with the Sidewinder and following throwing his weight around, became self-appointed Captain of the Captainless Team.
The first thing to do when playing darts cricket is decide, with the flip of a coin, who is to bat first. The batting team captain then needs to decide his batting order.*
*Darts cricket can also be playing by just two people, obviously you don't need to decide the team order, you just chalk up 10 lines, which represent the team's batters.
After the batting side’s captain has decided on a batting order. The bowler is up at the oche first*, his turn/over consists of three darts. A wicket is taken for a bull’s-eye only, although if one of the three darts lands in the 25 and the batsman fails to register any runs during his turn at the crease (see below), he is run out.
*the captain of the team not batting decides on an 'attack' - namely the order of bowlers.
NOTE: No one bowler may take two consecutive overs. Also, team captains must ensure that no one bowler is used alternately more than three times in a row, without at least a two-over break.
After the bowler has finished his over, the batsman takes his turn at the oche/crease (unless, of course, he has been bowled out). The batsman now takes three darts and scores points for any darts that fall in the treble, outer and doubles ring, although the runs only make it onto the scoreboard when 40+ points have been scored (e.g. 45pts = five runs scored). The batsmen swap ends (i.e. turns at the crease) only when the other batsman scores an odd number of runs. Teams swap around when all but one wicket is taken (‘cos you can’t be in bat on yer own). And the team that scores the most runs over two innings is the winner.
It is a draw if closing time stops play.
Highlights of the Finisher’s team’s first innings
The Finisher won the toss and so the Bull opened facing the first delivery. Ominously enough, he would be facing the Fist, who came steaming in from the bar-end, he landed one of his three darts in the 25, and Bull failed to score any runs, and so found himself run out for a duck.
Since no runs were scored the third order batsman, the Aristocrat, was up next, he claimed a quick single, the Finisher managed to get five runs, the Aristocrat then put in a massive 60 runs, before being clean bowled by the Fist.
The Finisher’s team’s middle order then crumbled, with the Finisher watching from the top of the wicket helpless to help as the Feather was run-out for a duck, bowled by the Sidewinder, the Sting then came in and scored a nice 12, which meant he was still facing and was run-out, with a ball bowled by the Animal.
The Bubble was in and out quicker than a fiddler’s elbow, run-out with a ball delivered by the Graduate. Next up tailender the Tongue scored a very tidy 40 runs, then got a quick single forcing the Finisher to face, who scored another five, returning the favour in an almost Geoff Boycott stylee. Sadly the partnership came to an end when the Tongue was stranded run-out from one of the Clinician’s famous googlies.
 |
| The Clinician looking well pleased with himself |
| Bull | run-out (Fist) | 0 |
| Finisher | NOT OUT | 10 |
| Aristocrat | bowled (Fist) | 61 |
| Feather | run-out (Sidewinder) | 0 |
| Sting | run-out (Animal) | 12 |
| Bubble | run-out (Graduate) | 0 |
| Tongue | run-out (Clinician) | 41 |
| 124 |
Highlights of the Graduate’s team’s first innings
One hundred and twenty four did not look an especially difficult target, that is until the Finisher clean bowled the big hitting Fist, first dart -golden duck. Hilariously, the Fist was not at all pleased.
It took a further eight overs before another wicket fell, during which time the Clinician had scored 21 runs, the Dude had got a quick single and it was the Clinician who found himself run-out thanks one of the Aristocrat’s deceptive swingers.
The Aristocrat struck again, clean bowling the Graduate’s team’s captain – the Graduate. In the following over the Sting was responsible for getting the Black Bomber run-out. The Sting was clearly on fire, when he next bowled the Animal found himself run-out – the Dude was still stranded at the top of the wicket, and could do nothing but look on when the Sidewinder was run-out courtesy of one of the Tongue’s lashing deliveries.
 |
| The Dude collects his one and only run |
| Fist | bowled (Finisher) | 0 |
| Clinician | run-out (Aristocrat | 21 |
| Dude | NOT OUT | 1 |
| Graduate | bowled (Aristocrat) | 0 |
| Black Bomber | run-out (Sting) | 0 |
| Animal | run-out (Sting) | 0 |
| Sidewinder | run-out (Tongue) | 0 |
| 22 |
Highlights of the Finisher’s team’s second innings
The Finisher changed his batting order, to a reverse order of the first innings. It was clearly a masterstroke because the innings was significantly better in terms of runs scored.
Although neither the Feather nor the Bubble were able to better their first innings haul, registering no runs whatsoever. This mattered not, because the rest of the side were battering the Graduate’s darts all over the oche.
In reverse order of impressiveness, the Tongue scored 21, the Sting scored 26, the Finisher scored 82, the Bull got 138 and the Ian Botham of Dart Club, the Aristocrat, scored a whopping 142, in an innings that included a sexy darts 160 (he was bloody pissed off when he was told that as it did not occur in a game of n01 he would not get the 40 Dart Club Ranking System points due, however, when rules five and six of Dart Club were repeated he accepted the decision, albeit quite grudgingly).
 |  |
| The Bull scores a ton | So does the Aristocrat |
| Tongue | bowled (Clinician) | 21 |
| Bubble | bowled (Fist) | 0 |
| Sting | run-out (Clinician) | 26 |
| Feather | run-out (Black Bomber) | 0 |
| Aristocrat | bowled (Fist) | 142 |
| Finisher | bowled (Fist) | 82 |
| Bull | NOT OUT | 138 |
| TOTAL AFTER TWO INNINGS | 409 |
Highlights of the Graduate’s team’s second innings
The Graduate also elected to change his batting order, and that too had a very positive effect on runs scored. It was always going to be difficult chasing such a high total, particularly when you look at the poxy 22 runs scored first time out, and even more particularly when you consider the fact that the Graduate’s opener, the Dude, was run-out for a duck in the first over of the second innings, bowled by the Finisher.
Then the Aristocrat clean bowled the Sidewinder in the next over. However, the Fist was now in, and the Finisher was unable to get rid of him straight away, and with the Fist at the crease a comeback was definitely on the cards, he scored 20 runs straight away and then 61 runs next, the Animal was then bowled by the Sting. The Fist then reached his century and looked well on his way to getting a double century, but joy of joy, the Finisher stuck in a 25 and miraculously he fucked it right up so was run-out. And while the rest of the Graduate’s batting order was fairly resilient it was unable to make up the massive deficit.
 |
| The Fist celebrates a century |
| Dude | run-out (Finisher) | 0 |
| Graduate | run-out (Sting) | 46 |
| Sidewinder | bowled (Aristocrat) | 0 |
| Fist | run-out (Finisher) | 141 |
| Animal | bowled (Sting) | 16 |
| Clinician | bowled (Aristocrat) | 20 |
| Black Bomber | NOT OUT | 44 |
| TOTAL AFTER TWO INNINGS | 267 |
The Finisher’s team had won by a massive 244 runs and the Aristocrat with 203 runs scored and four wickets claimed was without doubt the man-of-the-match. Maybe that would go some way to console him after the Dart Club Ranking System points denial.
All that remained was to play a mass game of £5-in 501. It was still pretty early, but with the Christmas drinks season in full swing some of the darters were not entirely on the ball, so organisation was proving a bit tricky, still it was 10doors and so that left an hour and 20, which would be plenty of time. Or would it?
In short, unlike at the Lyric, the Black Bomber was unable to finish things off, although at the time of being kicked out he was on 46. Everyone had put in a fiver, so there was 65quid at stake, the Finisher had 12 darts on doubles finishes and so was somewhat aggrieved at being kicked out, because apart from the Hammer no body else was on a finish (for the record the Hammer required double five – which is quite ironicallicious because the Hammer was the only member of Dart Club that reclaimed his fiver – tight northern git).
So there would have to be a roll-over jackpot at the big match versus Leicester dartweek 11. The Finisher had all the scores written down on paper, so maybe he would get the (now) 60knicker after all. Although, chances are that those not on a finish would demand a re-start.
Also for the record, the Clinician who tipped a bag of crisps on the floor and verbally abused the bar staff – Dart Club does not condone this kind of behaviour anymore than it condones cheating, or slagging off your team mates if they are not as good as you and they are playing badly. Anyway, all this has called for a tenth rule of Dart Club.
The tenth rule of Dart Club is: Do not bring Dart Club into ill repute.
That said, things all told were going swimmingly, 52 different people had attended a Dart Club over the ten dartweeks so far. Many more people had been told about Dart Club, but the crucial question: “Do you have a publisher lined-up?” still had a negative response. People were enthusiastic about Dart Club when told about it, but the nagging doubts remained. To some people it all looked like an excuse for going out and getting drunk, did these people really care about darts, or were they just being a bit iconoclastically ironicallistical? The Bull and Finisher were on a mission. Dart Club wanted to rule the country, it was a revolution for fuck’s sake. Dart Club was a junta.
 |  |
| The Aristo and Animal: tungsten technicians | The Black Bomber keeps score, never rely on the electronic scoreboard |
The chairmen really did want to take darts out to the nation, the viral marketing methods employed so far were not bad, but for proper mass appeal Dart Club needed a business plan.
DART CLUB BUSINESS PLAN
17 December 2002
Executive Summary:
Now, it is all very well meeting in a pub and playing drunken darts (badly) every fortnight, but where is the return on investment? What is the financial raison d’etre?
What is in it for us?
Well, all these questions can be answered now we have completed the Dart Club Business Plan.
First of all we should say a little bit about the economic conditions which Dart Club is subject to. Ever since the tragic events of 9/11, it has been a difficult year for darts (the Bull even had to check his darts case through baggage control at Stansted). It had also been a difficult year for publishing, unless your book featured some sort of fecking wizard.
When the two Dart Club chairmen hatched their plan it was with purely altruistic intentions – how could they help ordinary people to enjoy the life of darts like they did? How could they make people as happy as they were?
But altruism is non-sustainable in today’s world!
So what revenue generators are there in the plan? First of all, and the flagship product, is the book. A record of the 52 weeks of Dart Club will be the standing testament, with pictures, charts, profiles and everything. This gets printed, published and pressed and then despatched out to leading high-street bookstores. And from this everything else will follow…the sponsorship, the real-time website, the TV chatshow appearances, the supermarket openings, the merchandise, the membership fees, the annual dinner and so on and so forth.
Then when it has sufficient market following and brand exposure, Dart Club will launch the IPO. Dart Club PLC makes a healthy profit on the Nasdaq, the chairmen sell their stake and retire prematurely to the Caribbean. Job done.
The Book:
The factors for consideration are:
• Costs
• Revenue generators
So, cost can be broken down into cost of production, cost of design, cost of promotion and cost of distribution, and these are based on print run, pagination, choice of materials and the extent to which the project will be marketed and promoted.
Now there is one way that all these costs can be absorbed, and realistically speaking it is the only way of success…get a publisher and they will pay for everything (including the chairmen’s summer holidays next year).
So, what publishers have ventured into the darts/pub cluture/pointless projects dreamed up over a pint?
Darts:
Planet Darts – Niall Edworthy - Headline
Darts: Know the Game – Deryk Brown – A+C Black
Pointless projects:
Tony Hawks – Playing the Modovans at Tennis – Edbury Press
Tony Hawks – Around Ireland with a Fridge – Ebury Press
Dave Gorman and Danny Wallace – Are You Dave Gorman – Ebury Press
Duncan Fallowell - To Noto (London to Sicily in a Ford) – Gibson Square Books
Peter Moore – No Shitting in the Toilet – Bantam
Tim Moore – No Frost on My Moustache – Abacus
The Darts:
To gain bona fide status we will have to approach the governing bodies of the darts world. The world of darts governance has fortunately been split asunder amid much acrimony, resulting in two rival governing bodies. While this is all very sad (like your parents getting divorced and always shouting at each other) it does give us two bites at the cherry. If we fuck up with the PDC (Professional Darts Corporation) then we can chance our arm with the BDO (British Darts Organisation)
The background on the two shows them to be very different animals. The BDO was the original darts body, still run by the colourful and slightly infamous Ollie Croft (and his wife). Aside from having a marvellous pair of lamb chops. Croft is also famous for being a touch dictatorial, indeed it was his stubborn refusal to conform to his members’ demands for a bit of modernisation that precipitated the break-away group that is the PDC.
So the PDC took the best 30 players and some Sky TV money and gave us the World Championships in Purfleet and the unstoppable rise of Phil ‘the Power’ Taylor. The BDO gave us the BBC2 world championships and some Dutch bloke that no one outside darts has heard of. A quick look at the respective websites – www.planetdarts.co.uk and www.bdodarts.com - shows which one is possibly more in tune with contemporary affairs.
Therefore we will target the PDC first and the BDO second.
The PR:
Nothing succeeds without publicity and with both chairmen being in the media game, Dart Club is no stranger to the world and workings of PR. The trick is to target the right ones. Another great PR trick is to hire twenty-something chicks and get them to ply journalists with free sauce and laugh at their jokes.
First Dart Club needs a press release, secondly it needs a story and thirdly it needs some inside contacts.
Based on this winning formula, Dart Club has two irons in the fire. One has probably melted by now (a story in the Metro that said fewer people are playing darts in pubs and Dart Club invited the paper to witness evidence to the contrary – see chapter six F is for full housey) and the other is just a bit late (Dart Club is still waiting for Time Out to turn up with a cameraman, as was once promised).
However, Dart Club cannot afford to rest on its laurels. So it has targeted the following London-based publications for press coverage:
Evening Standard/Metro Life
The Metro
Time Out
The Breweries:
When it comes to pub darts, darts are only half the story. Er…the pubs are the other half. So Dart Club will be targeting the breweries for some kind of corporate pocket money. So far the Dart Club approach has been brewery-agnostic, although it is fair to say that all the best ones have been Sam Smith’s boozers.
There is an ethical worry that seeking sponsorship will thus affect Dart Club’s agnosticity. One of the main reasons for doing the book is that Londoners can be kept informed of the best places to play darts within the Circle Line (that’s the yellow one folks!) and this will be harder to do if all the pubs have to be from the same brewery.
However, if Dart Club makes the “Recommended Brewery” thing highly aspirational, breweries will be fighting each other for the Dart Club seal of approval. This can only be a good thing.
So sponsorship packages are:
Platinum: Lay on free beer all night and a reserved room for the night (in which Dart Club will be able to play until midnight) with the option for its own music and a light buffet of onion bhajis and crisps. In return, the pub gets a healthy five star rating in the book including full listing info and details of London-based subsidiaries, plus web-link and profile of Landlord/lady.
Gold: Same as above except without the free beer. In return, the pub gets a four star rating and full listing of the pub in question but no subsidiaries and no landord/lady profile but a modest web-link.
Silver: Same as above except that the room is in the regular body of the pub so dartclubbers have to put up with ordinary people breathing Dart Club’s air. In return the pub gets a three star rating and a sketchy mention of the pub. Nowt else.
Shit: This involves the landlord chucking us out before we have completed the All In 501 Challenge. In return the pub gets a slagging in the book and some of Dart Club’s members pointlessly argue the point with the landlord and tip crisp packets on the floor. Nice.
The Website:
Erm, this blog is all we’ve got so far. If the Dart Club coffers are bolstered by brewery/publishing interest then the website will merely be a value-added supplement to the main body of bound-in text. If it remains corporately brassic then the website will become THE publishing vehicle. Each chapter will be posted on the web, as will a daterbase of pubs with links wherever warranted.
Furthermore, Dart Club members will have a message board to converse with other members, arrange lifts, stoke petty rivalries etc..etc. And next event/admin stuff can be relayed through the website, thus saving the Dart Club chairmen from a telling-off from their workplace’s IT dept.
Revenues can be pulled in by banner advertising, sponsored links and a clubshop section which will be sponsored by darts gadgetry vendors, which brings me to…
Darts Vendors:
You can’t play darts without darts stuff. So naturally you can’t launch a Dart Club venture without tapping up the suppliers – through either web-based sponsorship (see above) or sponsorship for members which is then reciprocated in the book - i.e. Dart Club uses only Winmau dartboards and Unicorn darts.
Again, this raises some ethical issues – everyone has their favourite darts – but maybe the rivalry of Dart Club members will lead to the Nirvana-like state of separate sponsorship for individual players.
Finally, clothing – i.e, the nice, too-wide, polyester shirts with names on the back
Vendors include:
Unicorn
Winmau
And others.
Appendix:
Further Darts books:
Paddy Whannel and Dana Hogdon (The Book of Darts, Chicago: Henry Regnery Company, 1976),
Robert McLeod and Jay Cohen (Darts Unlimited, New York: Grosset & Dunlap, 1977)
Jack McClintock (The Book of Darts, New York: Random House, 1977
Patrick Coward (In and Out , Waterville, Maine, USA: Five Star, 2001)
fun*dart*men*tals
How To Throw Well And Win More! by Frank Pratt & F.M. Harris
Now this has been rather a long chapter, so a full analysis of the Dart Ranking System would probably be overkill, however, here is the top ten, the top eight of which would be the first team in the game against Leicester (if they show up).
| 1 (1) | Finisher | 363 (352) |
| 2 (2) | Danny Boy | 222 (222) |
| 3 (3) | Bull | 221 (207) |
| 4 (4) | Fist | 219 (179) |
| 5 (5) | Clinician | 187 (176) |
| 6 (6) | Black Bomber | 186 (160) |
| 7 (7) | Dude | 107 (86) |
| 8 (9) | Sting | 83 (71) |
| 9 (8) | Specialist | 81 (81) |
| 9 (11) | Sidewinder | 81 (62) |
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